The Essential, Arcane, Hidden and Newly Discovered Canon of
ONKEN FAMILY COOKING
Codex Number 1-- The Forbidden Knowldge
This magnificant volume, long kept secret by the Onken Clan, returns one
to the days when Kmart meant quality, cooking was a spiritual journey, and
people ate meat. Recently translated from the original Norwegian and dedicated
to RonCo, manufacturer of the finest in cooling utensils, the volume contains
recipes for dishes as different as Kung Pao Chicken and Turkey Mole Burritos.
In many respects the guide is short on recipies but long on a cooking philosophy
that has not forgotten fresh ingredients, cast iron pans, and a cupboard
full of garlic. If you want numbers, download five megs of Meal Master recipies.
If you want quality, spirituality and respect for our carnivorous past, this
is the place.
Introduction to Onken Cuisine: This
is the most important of all the sections in that it gives the history and
philosophy of Onken cooking. It follows the Onken clan from its roots in
the harsh cold climes of Northern Europe to the strip malls of urban America
and descibes in detail the arduous training that goes into making an Onken
cook. You will learn why Onken cooks never use Campbells condensed soups
in any food intended for humans and why the Onkens are so intent upon finding
the hottest jalepeno pepper. Most importantly, however, you will learn how
to equip and stock the Onken kitchen with items that not only contribute
to eating but at the same time hold at bay the tide of pretentious gourmetism
that threatens to engulf America. You have nothing to lose but your food
Breakfast: This section describes
the Onken breakfast, a meal so named, not because it has to be eaten in the
morning, but because it is always accompanied by coffee and always cooked
in a cast iron pan. Although, containing only three different dishes, the
chapter contains the wisdom of the ages. You will learn how to make an omlette
correctly and how to make gravy that works.
Main Dishes: This section contains
the heart of Onken cooking. From Pad Tai to Chicken a la King, the Onken
cook succeeds or fails with his main dishes. These are hearty rib sticking
recepies that remind a person that we still can work hard and eat well in
this country without owning a stairmaster or an electric wok.
Sauces, Salsas and Other Stuff: This
is a philosophic section dedicated more to making the reader undersand the
concept behind sauces and salsas than to providing idiot-proof directions.
It contains the Onken philosophy on the healthfulness of foods, the spiritual
value of cooking, and the true nature of a clear conscience.
Soups, Salads and Stews: This final
section gives the reader a select few rich and filling dishes that can be
eaten from a bowl and warm up nicely the next day. You will learn about bean
sprouts, the importance of a Dutch oven and how to buy a wok. In addition,
you will learn how to make a bowl of chili that will spoil you for any other
dish that pretends to the name.
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