ONKEN FAMILY COOKING

Codex Number 1-- The Forbidden Knowldge

This magnificant volume, long kept secret by the Onken Clan, returns one to the days when Kmart meant quality, cooking was a spiritual journey, and people ate meat. Recently translated from the original Norwegian and dedicated to RonCo, manufacturer of the finest in cooling utensils, the volume contains recipes for dishes as different as Kung Pao Chicken and Turkey Mole Burritos. In many respects the guide is short on recipies but long on a cooking philosophy that has not forgotten fresh ingredients, cast iron pans, and a cupboard full of garlic. If you want numbers, download five megs of Meal Master recipies. If you want quality, spirituality and respect for our carnivorous past, this is the place.

• Introduction to Onken Cuisine: This is the most important of all the sections in that it gives the history and philosophy of Onken cooking. It follows the Onken clan from its roots in the harsh cold climes of Northern Europe to the strip malls of urban America and descibes in detail the arduous training that goes into making an Onken cook. You will learn why Onken cooks never use Campbells condensed soups in any food intended for humans and why the Onkens are so intent upon finding the hottest jalepeno pepper. Most importantly, however, you will learn how to equip and stock the Onken kitchen with items that not only contribute to eating but at the same time hold at bay the tide of pretentious gourmetism that threatens to engulf America. You have nothing to lose but your food processor.
• Breakfast: This section describes the Onken breakfast, a meal so named, not because it has to be eaten in the morning, but because it is always accompanied by coffee and always cooked in a cast iron pan. Although, containing only three different dishes, the chapter contains the wisdom of the ages. You will learn how to make an omlette correctly and how to make gravy that works.
• Main Dishes: This section contains the heart of Onken cooking. From Pad Tai to Chicken a la King, the Onken cook succeeds or fails with his main dishes. These are hearty rib sticking recepies that remind a person that we still can work hard and eat well in this country without owning a stairmaster or an electric wok.
• Sauces, Salsas and Other Stuff: This is a philosophic section dedicated more to making the reader undersand the concept behind sauces and salsas than to providing idiot-proof directions. It contains the Onken philosophy on the healthfulness of foods, the spiritual value of cooking, and the true nature of a clear conscience.
• Soups, Salads and Stews: This final section gives the reader a select few rich and filling dishes that can be eaten from a bowl and warm up nicely the next day. You will learn about bean sprouts, the importance of a Dutch oven and how to buy a wok. In addition, you will learn how to make a bowl of chili that will spoil you for any other dish that pretends to the name.

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