So Tell Us Your Zombie Stories
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From: Attorney for the Living Dead

We know what you are up to. Serious consequences may follow.

From: A little girl

Help me. I didn't have zombie alert. They are beating down the door.

From: A Zombie

This page sucks

From: Rev. NRH of IBAZI (International Brotherhood Against Zombie Infiltration) Outreach Ministries

They're everywhere. Everyone needs the Zombie Alert expecially if you can't spot em like I can!

From: olle ost

beware of the zombies, barbara!

From: Joe Kinder (ZOMBIE)

It's on fool!!!

From: Bob Robert Robertson

Ya know, there's no such thing as 'zombies'. Why, just the other day, I walk walking through my house and somethin' bit me-- I though it was a zombie at first. Till I realized it was my younger brother, Danny Daniel Robertson. Unfortunately, it was after I smashed him repeatedly about the head and face with a brick that I realized this.

From: Dru STARR*


From: Dana Scully

The device we purchased from Onko Enterprises known as "Zombie Alert" has become a crucial element to Mulder's endeavors involving the "Undead". Although my partner has insisted that the device works based on his own observation, I myself have not seen one piece of evidence to substantiate this, nor have I seen any evidence pointing to the possibility of re-animated dead. I believe that Mulder has become a victim to one of the many useless (intentionaly or unintentionally) devices that exist on the market.

From: Karina

I suspect I may have become zombified over the weekend. I have spent the last two days at work in a state of what can only be described as lessened consciousness. I am unable to finish tasks. I'm walking a lot slower. I feel life is passing me by on a distant highway. Have I become a zombie? How do I tell? How do those around me tell? Please help, before I start chewing brains.

From: Zora Zombie

Being a zombie myself I'm wondering how you found out about our sinister plans to munch the brains of the world. I never saw you at the weekly meetings in Des Moine.... And for all you living out there I want you to know that the only reason that we only want to munch your brains because our brains seem to atrophied severly and dribbled out our noses. We need to replenish our brain supply with fresh brains from you the living. So just to let you know, your brains are going for a good cause.

From: Rev. Nickie

As a representative of the Church of the SubGenius, I have to say, keep up the good work! Zombies are everywhere. Why, our own spiritual leader, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs was shot and killed by a fanatical assasin in 1984, and still continues to walk the earth. You products have alerted us to his approach, so that we may avoid him when he comes to collect his fees. Thanks!

From: Steve Zombiekiller

"Beat em' or burn em', they go up pretty easy" "I AM LEGEND", by Richard Matheson, one of the best written works on Zombies. A "must read" for any Zombie fan. When the Zombies come, are you ready???

From: Liv N. Dedd

Wow! What a great product! Much better than string fishline between trees and tying bells to it. Have you thought about having your detectors trigger offensive devices like Claymore mines? Keep up the good work. If mankind has any hope of survivng the teeming masses it is with the help of products like yours.



From: Senator Jesse Helms

Hey there pardners! Ah think yew should quite a'sellin yer products! Them zombies iz gud people! Ah should know: mah entire fambly is made up of zombies. When ah wuz a boay, ah used tuh run `roun the streets at night and chase gurlz. If ah caught `em, ah'd et their brains...! Then ah wuld go home and beat my salami! Whut a perrrfect way tuh spend tha evenin! So yew bettah quit a'sellin them thare anti-zombie products or I'll jus have to come down thare and kick yer buttocks!! Ah mean it!!

From: John Eggerman

Dear Onko, Thank you for this wonderful product. My annoying neighbor used to dump grass clipings over into my yard, he laughed when I bought your wonderful Onko Zombie Alert, He laughed when I boarded up my house after buying loads of automatic weapons and sharp pointed objects, but his laughs quickly turned to screams when Zombies devoured the small town of Green, Kansas ( just check! it is in riley county) . Only my family survived, and Since this happened the company gave me a job in Kansas City! Thank you Onko! Sincerly, John Eggerman E-Mail me at

From: Billy Joe Inbredd

All this silliness 'bout folks gettin' bit by zombies and turnin' into the livin' dead is a bunch a hooey. Why I was out huntin' just 3 days ago and I got bit and I'm here to tell ya... gack...urggghh ........................................... .......nnngzzzzzhhhuhhh...brains......BRAINSSSSSSSSSS!

From: Baby Doc Duvalier

These machines work great! I'm buying a hundred...FAST!

From: MasterTroll

Hallo! Ich komme aus Deutschland, ich habe mir ein Zombi Alert aus einfliegen lassen! Und es ist spitze!!! Wir haben kaum noch zombis!! Wir können die Biester jetzt bis zu 2 MIN !!! vorher hören !! einfach geil!!

From: Norbert Berinski

Hi I am Norbi. I am so brainless! HELP ME!

From: DR zombiekiller

I myself have been zombie hunter for many a year.I'am a 3rd generation zombie killer and i have seen athing or two.So if you have problem with them zombies just jive me an e-mail an i will sort them out for you.Contact me on

From: Nyrlath

I have takin the zombie alert package a step further. Why have system that wakes you up? why not destroy the zombies while fast asleep? Exactly what I was thinking when I designed the Zombie eradicator 12000. Using the zombie alert technology, combined with a Sentry unti, armed with a 50 caliber machine gun, i can make zombies into swiss cheese, without leaving my bed. As soon as a zombie comes within 50 yards of the unit, it opens fire. Get yours today! Before its too late! Note: Not responsible if unit opens fire on the living.

From: Keven

This is a serious thing folks. I once had a zombie show up at my front door holding his intestines in his hands. You probly think I'm crazy but my story goes like this, A normal looking man dressed in bell bottoms and a botton down shirt showed up at my front door. Pounding harder and harder, I thought that my dad came home early to se the "big game" but forgot his keys but much to my supprise it was a creature from beyond. A REAL LIVE ZOMBIE!! I of course screamed as any normal eight year old would as he colapsed right in front of me. My parents took him in back to operate on him but he came back to life and killed the nurse with a surgical drill. WAIT thats the plot to zombie 6 monster hunter, my bad.

From: John Enright (Pro Zombie er)

Hello! I need work, got a zombie problrem? town infested? I can help I work cheap! Email me at! lock and

From: John Enright (Pro Zombie er)

Damn zomie. Like I said I need work. Someone Please I am stuck in a job right now and I`m not even getting paid! Sure it`s fun but I need a job that address is (no joke) ***************************Special Deal***************************************** First 5 zombies free ok!!!???!! Lock and load!

From: Gunther

Ya ever grab one o' them zombie folks by the ears an' shake 'em? I did that, an' all it did was rip his ears off. So I kicked 'im in the cherries an' pile-drived 'im into the dirt. That was some fun. I still got the ears, I put 'em on a necklace, I'm 'asavin' 'em fer a right up perty lady so's she can marry me.

From: A Vampire (not really, he's a poser)

I'm a vampire because I dress in black and wear white make-up with black lipstick so that makes me cool, and a vampire. Your little machine can't stop me and my totally goth friends from sucking the blood of the families here in Rockville, MI. Our coffins are in my parents basement on the corner of Mill Street and Grove Lake Drive. And all you are doing is keeping out our competition. Zombies blow, vampires rule the night!

From: Harogan, vampire/zombie/werewolf slayer extrodinaire

Thank you Mr. Vampire as to the location of your little nest. Be expecting a visit from me around, say, noon tomorrow.

From: One pissed off hungry zombie

I Hate it

From: An Unsatisfied User

I got me one of them Zomby Alert thingies an it don't do no good why jus las nite it jus started goin off an I don't know why so I checks my yard an there ain't no zombies there an when I come backs in My whole famly is eat up an all dead an stuff an then they startid comin fer me an I shots em up but one of em bit me an now im gonna eat yer brains!

From: Anon.

We know who you are, and where you are, Just remember: Munch, Munch Munch!

From: Mastermind Zombie

OK. You have found out all of our secrets. But you cant stop us for long. We will soon eat all your brains. We will form a Unioun. Dont we have rights to? Were we not alive at one point? I say we fight back against this new technological advance. You might be able to stop one or two or even ten zombies, but when 100 zombies show up at your door what are you going to do? Yea thats right. Whats up now?

From: Dr. Manne (zombie expert)

I like this new product you have made. It is very interesting, but i have a few questions. if you have known about the zombies for so long, then why didnt you make "zombie alert" sooner? And why does the product only alert people of zombies and not kill them? I have a better idea. In resent studies i have found that shap sound pulses with different wave lengths can actually put a zombie (or more then one) in a state of hypnosis. Once in the state of zombie hypnosis the sounds waves take control of all mechanical prosses in the zombies body. Rendering him completely stable. With this treatmen i have been able to turn a zombie back in to a normal person again. Which also leads us to the idea of eternal life. So, why buy a zombie alert when for the same price you can buy my "anti-zombie weapon". It works the same as a zombie alert, but doesnt just warn you, it dystroys all zombies around, makeing them human again. for more info on this product cantact me at

From: Zombie Zane

I ordered the "personal protector" model recently. Imagine my suprise when I strapped it on, and it relentlessy sounded off! I searched the area for 2 hours before realizing I was a zombie. Boy, was there egg on my face!

From: Buddy

For all you Zombie alert wannabes I been seein' in this here decent guestbook, makin' all yer fancy modifications, I say that I buy zombie alert because it works and it's got a really neat Web site.

From: Zombie

Brains, Braaains

From: Feroze Adenwalla

I am a ghost from India. I died in 1936 or was it 38(?). Even we ghosts become forgetful as we age. I have been haunting abandoned bungalows in the city of Bombay for a long time. The only zombies that eat brains that exist in this country of 950 million inhabit the parliament and the the various state legislative assemblies. We have a new variant here - criminal zombies in parliament!!! Zombies are afraid of my tribe, because we are the ideal citizens of this world - no babies, no garbage, no thieving, no murders, no crookery. All we ask in return for being ideal ghostly citizens is to be allowed to haunt a few old houses in peace (as few as one in a million will do) so that we can practice our favourite hobby - playing darts with shards of broken glass from old window panes. There is this crazy rationalist who tried to investigate me and wrote a short story based on a letter to the editor of an evening newspaper that I sent some ten years ago. Read all about it at the following URL:

From: zOmBiE


From: David Cronenberg

I ordered 2 ZA's. One for the car. I figger since zombies always have a walking disability of some kind, like dragging a lame left foot, this gives me at least half an hour. Don't recken I rightly know where I'd head to. Mebby get some of those french fried potaters. Uhh-huh.

From: Billy Bob Thornton

That Cronenberg feller before me was really me I reckon. Uhh-huh.

From: Jim

I am currently involved with Amway, but I want to have a Zombie Alert Franchise Dealership. I know that I can finally start making money.



From: OVERGOAT of the Goats

Its really good to see someone is finally provided some anti-zombie gear and has put up a web page to market it. For the most part, the public lives in ignorance of the zombie threat. The Goats, an organization dedicated to zombie defense, would also like to remind people not to stop at just purchasing a zombie alert system. To deal with zombies effectively one must fight off their unthinking destruction with the one thing they understand—MORE DESTRUCTION! A nice shotgun, sledge hammer, or samurai sword would do nicely. To be sure, make sure these weapons are strategically placed in every room of your home and work place. When the zombies rise you’ll be prepared to cave in their undead skulls! If the zombies are more than you can handle, don’t fret, where there are zombies, the Goats will soon be there to "deal" with them.

From: Beavis

These things are cool. Can you make a ButtHead alert?

From: keven

I remember the day clearly. I,being an investigative reporter, was sent to check out this mysterious ship that had entered the harbor in New York city. The harbor police first found this ship and realize that it had floated all the way from this remote island in the south pacific. Aboard this ship was the remains of several devoured bodies and one living one. It was a zombie. The zombie bit one of the harbor police men before diving overboard. I met the daughter of the man who owned the boat who wanted to find out what happened to him later that night. A day later we set off to that little island in the pacific. When we arived at the airport we had to find a porter to take us to the island because the island was too small for an airport. We met this charming couple from the states who were sailing the south pacific on their vaction who were willing to take us to the remote island even though the natives claimed it was cursed. On our sea voyage, the young women wanted to take some pictures while scuba diving in the nude. While swimming she came across the path of a great white and had to dive for safty. While under water she was attacked by a recklas zombie. She managed to ascape by getting the zombie to attack the shark instead. OH wait, this never happened to me, that was the plot of zombie 2. My bad.

From: Disbeliever


From: Nibbs

They're coming to get you Barbara.

From: 12

I am the perfect zombie hunter! Why may you ask? Because of the simple fact that, I DON"T HAVE A BRAIN TO START WITH!!!! I FEEL SO NEGLECTED!!!!! Never will i get to experience the thrill of being chased by a zombie. HELP ME ONKO!!!!!!!!!!!!

From: Jonny Coleman

i use zombie alert and now i have 1/4 of a brain left

From: Slasher

In my opinion, you've got it all wrong about zombies. They are not as much of a threat as you would think. For the most part, zombies are nearly walking, rotting corpses. They have a life span of only about 210-400 days. They only "think" for the very beginings of their lives. About 19-25 days (depending on how fast they are rotting.) Putting a bullet through their brain does no more damage than putting one through their chest. Their inner organs only function for about 20-70 days. They "die" when you kill them, or when they have no muscle left to move and nothing functions. The best method for killing a zombie is to blow off it's head so that it is no longer a threat, or to burn it's flesh and organs completely off. They cannot bleed to death. Zombies can't see for very long either. Their eyes only blink for 1-2 days after death. After then, it's all downhill as far as vision goes. Since they stop blinking, dust gathers into their eyes clouding their vision until the eye completely rots away. To imagine being a zombie in the last days of it's life, think about being deaf, mute, blind, not able to really feel anything, or think. They only eat flesh for their first 100-130 days.

From: Beakon of Light

Yes, zombies eat brains. But they also eat skin, liver, bowels, muscles and other assorted body parts. If zombies only ate brains then why don't we just go around wearing hardhats and stuff. Come on people, this is serious. It's time to get your shit together.

From: M.D.M.

I am one of the great zombie killers. I live in A town infested with the undead. I have a I don't use any kind of zombie detector. I don't kill them with guns or anything like that. i just beat theliving hell out of them. Zombies are scared of me

From: zombie killa


From: Darrow

Hm. Very interesting. This device shows some very good potential, and I will in turn report this to my superiors. I am a field agent for the VGF (Vampire Genocide Front). Occassionaly we do run into what may be termed a 'zombie', but we tend to just avoid them on policy due to our unfamiliarity with that species of undead, although debate has been raging whether we should expand our list of prey. Soon, we will have a web site up listing vampire activity in the Portland, Oregon area and possibly may be interested in mentioning this product in a subsection dealing with 'others'. See goth. See goth gain angst. See goth get staked. Bad goth.

From: Sir Spamalot

It doesn't take much to be a zombie killer... If you can walk at a steady pace and hold a shotgun, you're hired.

From: Sammantha

I was making out with some realy cute boy and he bit me. Now I have a bite mark on my neck. To tell you the truth I don't know if he was a zombie, a vampire, or just a really cute boy that got hungry. Anyway, I'm hoping it was a vampire because that would be so cool. but if it's not I would like to tell all of you out there to be carful with people thry could be just animals.

From: A zombie

Couldn't we just think of it as metabolically challenged.

From: Another Zombie

As a member of the MC minority, I strongly object to the use of the term Zombie.

From: The Gunslinger

My name is not important. I am of royal blood, born by the Wolf Nation to slay those who would upset the balance of power among the realm of our world. The "Undead" you speak of are only some of many creatures. They should be taken seriously. They are not mindless, babbling idiots. The creatures you are addressing are aflicted with an evolved version of the disease known as rabies. They are mindless, ves, but their sheer numbers, rabid ferocity, and instinctual cunningness make them strong. I of Royal Wolf's Blood must diminsh their ranks with my skills and shooting irons. I have found in my search that hand guns are effective and easily used to disperse of them...

From: Satisfied Customer

A product deemed worthy of use. Last year my brother used a similar, mass-produced, cheaper rip-off. I didn't know about it until he came knocking at my door, complaining and jabbering with several of his new-found rotting friends. Bummer.

From: From: captain James T Kirk of the starship Enterprise

Someone once said to me Zombies are like sick animals if you take them in, respect them, care for them and feed them those little brown beetles you sometimes find under rocks then they will love you back and give you the greatest gift anyone could ever think of companionship. Now beam me up Scotty!

From: Tax Time: Yet Another Reason For Zombie Alert

The IRS doesn't want you to know this but... they have found a way to bring back the recently deceased. Yes, folks, it used to be that the only two sure things in life were death and taxes. Well, now the only sure thing is taxes. That's right, now we'll be paying taxes for eternity. How does Zombie Alert fit into this, you may ask? Well, they haven't entirely gotten the process perfected yet and some of the zombies they produce are flesh-eating monsters. They've decided that these zombies will be auditors. That's right, so now, with Zombie Alert, you'll not only be protecting your hide but your wallet as well. Scott

From: Not Bob Robert Robertson

The brother's like your handle, it is original and speaks of greats such as Pete Peters and other parents with a cruel streak

From: Dana Scully's dead sister

Louis Farikan is my hero. Anyone that good lookin' can't be all that bad.. You know what they say... once you've _______ black, you'll never go back. Too bad he had to dye his hair from red. DS

From: The Darkest

Zombies do not suffer? You fool their pain is eternal and terrible. This is the only thing that allows control over them; a promise of an end to it. You can decapitate, dismember or disembowel them this will not stop them. only the voodun priest, sorcerer, magi or what ever you wish to call us can withdraw the energy that reanimates their flesh; this is what they seek and they will follow any command in order to get the enternal rest back.

From: Christian McTimmons

Dear Onko: Before reading your fine website, I was unaware of the dangers of zombie attack. I had only heard stories, rumors if you will, about these monsters. I believed that a zombie attack could never happen to me or anyone I loved. I believed that I was safe in my home, and that no undead beasts would ever rise again, with the purpose of scooping the squishy stuff out of my head. I see now that I was foolish and wrong. Now that I know that only ONKO provides a safe living environment, I feel like I've been a bad father and husband. How could I have let my wife and children live in such danger for so long? Well, rest assured that now that I understand the dangers of living next to a graveyard, we will be among your best customers. In fact, I've been so inspired and moved by your helpful information, that I'll be leaving my lucrative position as owner of a major film studio tomorrow, to open start one of my very own Zombie Alert Franchise Dealerships. Thank you ONKO, you've made me into a better man this day.

From: Hillary Clinton

Thought you might like to know your product, "Zombie Alert", was purchased for White House security. Unfortunately they had to be removed as my husband kept setting them off.

From: Steven Vaughn

Our school didn't know the dangers of the living dead. Then they attacked one day! I was the only one who survived. When they found me I was covered in the blood of the un-dead with the custodian's chain saw in one hand a shotgun in the other. Now at my new school we have zombie drills every month and a zombie alert alarm in every class room! Thanks zombie alert!

From: The Zombie Ranger

Being an elite military uh.....person, a ranger to be exact I never thought about the encountering of a zombie or undead being. But, in the middle of battle THEY CAME!!!!!! I tried to shoot as many of them down as I could, but they took out Charlie! THEY TOOK OUT CHARLIE I TELLS YA!!!!!!! So I kept running. I got to the exctraction site and the helicopter was crashed and covered with zombies!!!! So I ran to Charlie's jeep and he had something called "zombie alert®" in there. It helped me get out alive. I have no idea what it did, but I got out.

From: St. Buff XXVII

I have to say that I am DEEPLY offended by this page and this product. Apaarently your advertising staff has no appreciation for people or cultures different from themselves. I can only hope that someone will read this and have simpathy for the plight of our misunderstood kind, as I clear up these mis- conceptions (and at some points BLATANT LIES) about so-called "Zombies"; First, we prefer to not be called "Zombi(e)s", "Ghouls", the "Living/Walking Dead", or especially the "Undead" (which has a VERY negative connotation to it). If one feels the incessant need to seperate and segragate us from the rest of human society by labeling us, we prefer to be refered to as the "Differently Living Impaired". I believe the majority of the problems that a person the modern world might have with a DLI stems from that person's reaction to that DLI -- we do not respond well to ridicule, hostility, enslavement, or being riddled with bullets. I feel that the DLIs of the world have not been given a fair shake, and that peace and understanding between your world and ours is not impossible, but that it will take great effort on behalf of the world of "normal" humans, and a great leap of faith for us. Second, I would like to dispel the rampant rumors about the diet and dietary requirements of the DLIs. First of all, we do not exist solely on human brains, and whoever continues to spread that rumor have obviously never tried to eat the brains of a live human being. Entry into the human skull is EXTREMELY difficult, even WITH the use of tools, and yet I constantly see in television, films, and places such a this, DLIs depicted eating human brains right from the skull with their BARE TEETH! Not to mention that the death of a human animal for the exclusive use of its brains for food is far too wasteful and decadent for the taste of any self-respecting DLI -- rest assured that whenever we kill aliving, thinking being that we make use of all meat available in its' body, down to bone, sparing no tissue, and using no artificial colors, flavors, or preservatives in its preparation, unlike the grand majority of foods that "normal" people poison themselves with daily. Additionally, we do not even require human flesh as food, nor, as a matter fact, any food at all for nourishment, so you can just all of that silly "curse of the undead" and "unholy compulsion" out the window right now. We just like to enjoy ourselves every once and awhile, like anyone... and no one has any right to persecute us just because our definition of fun is different from their own. There are a number of other stereotypes about the Diiferently Living Impaired that I would like to unmask for the largely intelligent, open-minded, deliciously crunchy, yet sadly under- educated pulic of "normal" people while I have their attention, but this seems to be neither the time nor the place to do so. However I would like to thank all of those who are listening and learning. Let's hope that in the future, we can all live together peacefully. <>

From: Mr. E.G. Gumby

Right, stop that! Now look, all this stuff about Zombies is just plain silly. I mean, nobody appreciates a good laugh more than I do, except perhaps my wife, and a few of her friends, oh yes, and Captain Johnson. All right, most people enjoy a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point! How am I supposed to believe that this silly little product can actually... say, wait. Stop that! AaaarrrrggghhhhH!!!!!! My BRAAAAAAIIINNN HUUUURRRTTTSSS!!!!! HELLLLOOOO MR GUMBEEEE!!!

From: dr.peker

my mother ate my dog once and then she srueup it was raly cool !!!!!!!!!!!!.

From: dr dolitle

i came down the staris and walked by my parents room and thout thet they where having a lital fun but wen i went to join them my dad was hanging by his peker from the cilling and my mom was trying to eat him. So i gess she was a sombi but we had sex anyway. ps.This weeb site sucks!!!!!!!!!!

From: OFFICER Healey

I'll tell you one thing since these came to my town people are dying and we got all sorts of defense up even a Zombie Alert.

From: Zachary G. Healey

Ever scince these dead boogers came to my town wev'e been formin a group of hunter's to go out and hunt these suckers and heres a warning never let them corner you!

From: Bob Necrofiliafeld

Hey man, my girlfriend was a zombie!! And just becaause she was dead ,stank, and liked brains does`nt mean she was a bad person! She should`nt have to hear alarms goin` off everywhere we go!! We should`nt predjudice against dead people! She has rights too ,as an american citizen, livin` or dead! Why don`t you put your creative juices on something useful like Mime Alert(Damn mimes!!Now thats horror!)or Republican Alert. Just dismember...errr, I mean remember, just because someone eats the occasional brain does`nt mean they`re not a hell of a nice person!

From: Bob Necrofiliafeld

Hey man, my girlfriend was a zombie!! And just becaause she was dead ,stank, and liked brains does`nt mean she was a bad person! She should`nt have to hear alarms goin` off everywhere we go!! We should`nt predjudice against dead people! She has rights too ,as an american citizen, livin` or dead! Why don`t you put your creative juices on something useful like Mime Alert(Damn mimes!!Now thats horror!)or Republican Alert. Just dismember...errr, I mean remember, just because someone eats the occasional brain does`nt mean they`re not a hell of a nice person!

From: Bob Necrofiliafeld

Hey man, my girlfriend was a zombie!! And just becaause she was dead ,stank, and liked brains does`nt mean she was a bad person! She should`nt have to hear alarms goin` off everywhere we go!! We should`nt predjudice against dead people! She has rights too ,as an american citizen, livin` or dead! Why don`t you put your creative juices on something useful like Mime Alert(Damn mimes!!Now thats horror!)or Republican Alert. Just dismember...errr, I mean remember, just because someone eats the occasional brain does`nt mean they`re not a hell of a nice person!

From: IP Freely

From: Seti

Thanks to Zombie Alert's patented system my family survived a zombie attack, because of it's patented system we were alerted long before they reached the house. My family immediately followed the Zombie Protection manual. We locked all the doors and windows, after surrounding the house with plastic explosives (250 ft. away from the house). Then we turned on the 800 watt base-ball diamond lights surrounding the house as well. When we saw the zombies in sight we detinated the explosives. Though this only killed about 40% of the zombies. So to dispose of the others we followed `procedure 2; killing the other 60% of the zombies.' Now according to the manual, the only way to kill a zombie is to decapitate it, and then burn it's body. So each member of my family grabbed a sword and when the zombies started invading our house we chopped the little bastards head's off. After the Zombie Alert system stopped beeping we took the bodies outside and made a big bon fire, we had smores too. I owe my life to the Zombie Alert system.

From: A Dissastified Customer

I can not believe that I was DECEIVED! I bought the ZOMBIE alert product two cheesy months ago. Just when I NEEDED IT the batteries went DEAD. I WANT MY MONEY back! and the OTHER half of my BRAIN. If you want to speak with my right hemisphere:

From: Corky

I was walking and i saw this monster that looked like that mean king of france eating this guys brains and I said "If I eat that I would barf!" he just looked at me with drool hanging down his chin. Then I went home.

From: Durlath (AKA Barry Swarthyworth)

For many years I have been a Zombieologist; when my good friend, Mr. Thaddeus Tedsworth the IIIrd, purchased a house for what he termed "A Song," I was intrigued. When he told me that it was sold so cheaply because its previous owner was convinced there were zombies in it, I insisted on going to the Housewarming party, with my dear sister Jenny. Little was I to know that the bloodbath that was to follow would leave all the guests, the mail-man, and even my beloved sister drooling undead filth! If only Thaddeus had put in a Zombie Alert detector, he might not have had such a disastrous party, I am thinking. Commiserations & party invitation/investigation requests may be sent to

From: Howard Abraham

You people really need to relax! Zombies are just another part of nature and give character to any neighborhood. Zombie Alert is a nuisance on par with car alarms and should be banned in all but the most remote areas.

From: Cub to the infinite power

Dear Sirs; I have recently (within the past 4 months), purchased the standard model of your product, Zombie Alert. Being a rig driver for an interstate trucking firm, I bring my zombie alert with me on my trips. The reason for my letter is this. My Zombie Alert module only functions in Pennsylvania. I have been to every state in the continental U.S. and have suffured zombie attacks everywhere but in PA. ALso, my unit seems to have varying degrees of sensitivity. It is most accurate when I'm near isolated cemeteries, abandoned houses in the rural country-side or near huge indoor malls that have helicopters parked on their roofs. In other areas around PA., the unit works but I have measured it's sensitivity to the 1700 yards you claim and much, much less. I would greatly appreciate your responding with a technical support number or other-such information. I must go lay down now...what's left of my brain is giving me a terrific headache. Sincerely and Yours Truly, I. M. Zombiefood


So, okay me and a friend were driving home from work late one night and I said," Hey Zed, are you, well, you know, horny?" Zed looked at me with a bewildered face and said " Well,yeah, I am horny." Then I said to Zed," You ever done it in a graveyard?" Zed replied with a nervous no. I told him to be prepared for the best night of his life. We pulled into the graveyard and I got the shovels out of the back of the truck. " Alright Zed, start digging." We dug up at least ten graves and opened the caskets. "What are we gonna do now?" Zed asked groggily. " Zed my friend" I replied, " We are gonna get down with some carrion cooter." At first Zed, being that it was his first time to have intercourse with a corpse, was kinda scared but after watching me he got into it. About 15 minutes went by, I was having a great time and I decided I better check on my pal. "Hey buddy. how you likin it?" Zed replied,"Not too good." I replied," Well then get another." He got up and opened another casket. About ten minutes later I checked on him again, "Yo dude, you having a good time?" Zed retorted, "nah man, I am just not into this." "Well then pick another, don't give up yet." I commanded, and like the obediant friend that Zed is, he got up and went to another. " Is it gettin any better now?" I bleeted after a few minutes. "No man, this just ain't my bag." whined Zed "I don't believe this, you should be having a blast, hold on a second." I finished with my mistress of the night and got up to check on my lunar liason. "Are these the ones you've been doin zed?" I asked pointing at the closest three caskets. He replied with a sheepish yes. All of a sudden it was all clear as reynolds wrap. "No wonder you ain't havin a good time Zed, you picked all the ugly ones."

From: L. Morningstar

My girlfriend is not a Zombie, but I think she is a Vampire. Do you have any Vampire Alert systems?

From: homeless Orphan

My parents were zombies but I didn't mind until they ate my brother which kinda made me happy but I decided that I didn't want that to happen to me so one night while they were sitting staring at the tube I shoved a cherry bomb in thier noses and lit the fuse unfortunatly after I did that I noticed that my dad just got back from a midnight snack(the bar tender)at the bar and had alchohal on his pants.The house went up in flames only after I grabbed my labtop got away.

From: homeless Orphan

My parents were zombies but I didn't mind until they ate my brother which kinda made me happy but I decided that I didn't want that to happen to me so one night while they were sitting staring at the tube I shoved a cherry bomb in thier noses and lit the fuse unfortunatly after I did that I noticed that my dad just got back from a midnight snack(the bar tender)at the bar and had alchohal on his pants.The house went up in flames only after I grabbed my labtop got away.

From: rotuskus

has any one played Nightmare creatures cause i think ive seen a real zombie that looks just like one from that game.

I am dead. Stop the insanity.
USA - Saturday, June 26, 1999 at 20:01:08 (PDT)
Zombies have been cured for good by the leading philosopher of consciousness, Daniel C. Dennett. Better than any Zombie Alarm, Dennett has shown conclusively that it is impossible for zombies to exist because qualia do not exist. So go back to bed and don't worry about zombies: they plague only the dreams of children, idiots and bad philosophers (hi, Chalmers!)
The Cure For Zombies
USA - Friday, July 09, 1999 at 11:10:40 (PDT)
Queen of Pow <>
USA - Monday, July 26, 1999 at 20:12:27 (PDT)
Hello !!!Where and how can i buy a STANDARD ZOMBIE ALARM ???EmtecP.S.: sorry for my bad english
Emtec <>
Germany - Wednesday, August 25, 1999 at 13:34:50 (PDT)
Zombies... Haven't heard nor seen hide nor hair of one in a while, myself. I wouldn't see the need of an alarm, really. The only conscious ones are just out for a little unfinished business, and if they ARE a threat to you, those specific ones aren't going to be stopped very easily, so there's no point in an alarm except if you can outrun it...Vampires are a threat, though, especially the psychic vampires unaware of their vampirism. If someone could come up with a vampiric detection unit, that would be great. Personally, I don't rely on the whole techno-crap. Intuition and the claw are good enough for me.And we are NOT the monsters you think we are! All you damned hunters... Your hunting your ALLIES and making us ENEMIES! We are wholly natural, not abominations of the flesh as the undead are!Wolves stand tall.
Crimson Seventh of the Oaks <>
USA - Monday, October 25, 1999 at 17:38:24 (PDT)
For all of you faithful zombie and monster hunters out there, join the fight at! Sign up for your very own monster hunting license in the DSTS section. Saving souls is a very rewarding practice, and looks great on a resume!
Prof. Jonas Ivo <>
Necronomicon, MA USA - Sunday, November 07, 1999 at 23:56:35 (PST)
Heyyy, guys, i am a zombie, you know (on irc ;p)cause i love zombies, especially in games like Resident Evil----> coooool!!
Zombieke <johndenon>
Ghent, Belgium - Tuesday, November 09, 1999 at 12:17:17 (PST)
This Zombie Alert System is an outrage! Being an evil genius bent on dominating the earth and beyond by first infesting it with hordes of slathering ultra-violent zombie slaves , I've found this new product compleatly counter productive in my attempts. People are dispatching my shambling servants as I can crank them out, my machines are beginning to smoke. I warn you: Cease production of your units immediately or face dire consequences. The Kozick Ray is honed, be ready. good day.
Dr. Fritz Kozick <>
San Antonio, tx USA - Tuesday, November 09, 1999 at 17:45:19 (PST)
I haven't seen any zombies, but I heard this is where they order their food online!
Shadowman <>
Emmen, Netherlands - Wednesday, November 17, 1999 at 17:02:07 (PST)
check out!
USA - Wednesday, November 17, 1999 at 17:04:54 (PST)
We at aegis 1 feel the same after the plague broke out we gathered anyone that wanted to goto our facility and fightthe zombie storm. See our website, the manual and most importantthe gear section should help you. We highly recommend ZombieAlert but if you get overwhelmed come to aegis1 If you canfly, shoot or drive a vehicle you can join Aegis 1Stay alert, stay vigilant, Stay Alive Join Aegis1Planting zombies back in the ground!
Dwayne Glover <>
Elk Grove, IL USA - Tuesday, November 30, 1999 at 00:09:58 (PST)
all good zombies buy their clothes at
bob zombie <>
deadhead, ca USA - Monday, December 13, 1999 at 17:46:24 (PST)
HEy I'm a huge zombie fan, have been for years now, but the only really great zombie movies I have been able to find are the Romero films. If you could e mail me some zombie movie suggestions I'de really appreciate it.
Stefen <>
Toledo, oh USA - Wednesday, January 05, 2000 at 12:21:43 (PST)
My name is Orrin and I like like like like like Zombies.
Hasselhoff(Aka Todd Norin) <>
Pdx, Or USA - Sunday, January 09, 2000 at 18:50:37 (PST)
My name is Orrin and I like like like like like Zombies.
Hasselhoff(Aka Todd Norin) <>
Pdx, Or USA - Sunday, January 09, 2000 at 18:51:09 (PST)
it has been established....................
wfd, sdaf USA - Sunday, January 16, 2000 at 09:32:33 (PST)
I think my dog is a Zombie. He keeps trying to eat his own testicles. He sure does like to lick em.
pigman <>
near where the old Fenson barn burned down back in the 70's. You know where that is don't ya?, USA - Sunday, January 16, 2000 at 19:51:39 (PST)
Last Halloween, I was screwing around in the local graveyard(not in THAT way hentaisha!!)I mixed some of the soil with some burned photos of Don Knotts. Then, I played audio of an old 'Andy Griffith show' backwards.A few minutes later, as I was leaving, I heard them clawing at their coffins, trying to break out.I re-killed them, then sold their meat to Burgerking. (Anyone from Mpls,and knows about the Cemetary on Cedar Ave. know what I'm talking about)That's not the first time I've raised the dead...I've also had sex with Michael Meyers.(He is such a stud muffin in bed. Meooow!!)
Gina the mad professor <>
mpls, mn USA - Thursday, January 20, 2000 at 16:57:05 (PST)
My girlfriend and her son are city-bred, I grew up in a smaller city and spent lots of time in the woods and fields. They've been anxious whenever they've visited my cottage in the woods (on the shore of a small lake) because they fear that Zombies will walk down the hill to the cottage at night to attack them. A Zombie Alert product may allay their fears. How grateful I am!
USA - Saturday, January 29, 2000 at 22:43:25 (PST)
Finally, a product for me! Thanks to your innovative system, the Buttercup gang has stayed zombie-safe for nigh on a year and a half. Sure, we had a few problems when Bob Dole rolled through town, but we straightened things out (sorry Mr. Dole!) In conclusion, Zombie Alert and several heavy assault weapons has made the Buttercups the zombie-free organization we are today! Buttercup style!
Buttercup #2 <>
USA - Sunday, January 30, 2000 at 09:32:47 (PST)
PEOPLE OF MIDDLEBURY CENTER PA BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!brian cherwinski is a zombie who lives in middlebury center pahe is known to pump gas,and drive tractor trailer.
matt stock <mstock>
mt bethel, pa USA - Saturday, February 05, 2000 at 14:47:29 (PST)
Greetings fellow zombie hunters, I now know I am not alone in the fight. Please email me with any loose information which you feel is necessary to fight this evil. Stay safe and always aim for the head.
Rich <>
New Hope, Pa USA - Sunday, February 20, 2000 at 18:48:41 (PST)
I too Have found in my studies that a zombie can be disabled of all of it's functions by either a heavy blow or a shot to the Head(my personal favorite}, but if it's to stop the zombies you are talking about then why not educate the masses of the dangers of zombies and how to stop them, this method may not be for the best but we might as well try, am I right? Most people think of the living dead as somehing in a movie or a fairy tale and this is steering them in the wrong direction and will soon get them injured or worst of all killed! I know I am young and know few ideas but it just might work!Well,nevermind.
The Apprentice
Little Rock, AR USA - Monday, February 28, 2000 at 17:08:52 (PST)
i was in the woods and a woman zombie tryed to have relations with me
carl bland <none>
midland, mi USA - Tuesday, March 07, 2000 at 10:14:58 (PST)
Zombie Exterminators of the world unite !!!
Swifty G <>
United Kingdom - Saturday, March 11, 2000 at 19:20:06 (PST)
ATTENTION!! All Zombie...fearing-type-people: Do not poen your fridges without reading this first! I opened my fridge this morning and a head...a head undead, FLEW out and bit me on the neck! Honest! But don't worry about me. I'm sure after a few minor amputations....
Mikey <>
Hamilton, On Canada - Friday, March 17, 2000 at 09:29:54 (PST)
Daniel Denntett and Marvin Minsky are the only real zombies. I swear.
Martin V <>
A - Wednesday, March 29, 2000 at 13:38:51 (PST)
A torrid tale of zombie love- see it at!
a fan
seattle, wa USA - Wednesday, March 29, 2000 at 21:32:07 (PST)
Great Idea !!! But not good for me...Greetings...
kraut zombie <>
Frankfurt/M, Germany - Sunday, May 07, 2000 at 03:54:45 (PDT)
somaKing <>
UK - Tuesday, May 23, 2000 at 09:55:53 (PDT)
if it wasn't for zombie alert's early warning system... i might have become one of them
Bill <>
Sicklerville, NJ USA - Friday, May 26, 2000 at 15:55:16 (PDT)
I Love your produts, But to carry the fire power needed to put a stop to the Zombies once we know there there?
Cecil Hogg <>
Odessa, TX USA - Saturday, May 27, 2000 at 22:52:59 (PDT)
So I'm at the bar last night, and I notice this strange man staring at me...and allthought the thought occurs to me that he may, in fact, be the undead (high-top sneakers, a greasy mullet, and parachute pants, for Christ's sake!) I dismiss the thought and let him buy me yet another cosmopolitan. The next thing I know, I'm lying prostrate on the highschool football field with my strappy new Halston hiked to my armpits, panties nowhere to be found, and a hickie the size of Rhode Island on my neck. My question is.....could I have I have fallen prey to a zombie attack? And if a pounding migraine, a funny chemical-taste in my mouth, and a burning sensation when I urinate, possible signs of zombie transformation?
Worried <>
MI USA - Wednesday, June 14, 2000 at 08:01:23 (PDT)
"Oh, thank god! I didnt know where to turn until a good friend turned me on to your product. Recently, while at the local shopping mall i believe i was accosted by a zombie!!! She walked stiffly, the shuffling gate of one long since dead. Flakes of skin fell from her face, decaying rot falling from the bone. It was so emaciated, the skin stretched taught over the small bones, eyes deeply sunk within its darkened orbits, lips pulled back from its teeth in a rictus grin. AND THE STENCH....NEAR INDESCRIBABLE....a veritable cloud of death surrounding her body, nearly visible to my frightened eye, making me wretch violently as she approached. But here is the odd thing: It wasnt saying 'brains' repeatedly as described (which is what i thought all zombies did), but instead kept saying, 'must have cafe au lait' and then disgorged the contents of its 'Coach' purse, revealing bottle upon bottle of who-knows-what putrescent liquid. I thought i was a dead man when she approached me; the noxious vapors enveloped me and i remembered no more....i thought later it was perhaps a dream until one day i was home and heard the doorbell ring. I answered, the memories of my trauma dim in my mind, and THERE IT WAS, even MORE skin falling from her face!!!! This time all she said was, 'Mary Kay calling' and i ran screaming in terror. Then i realized i MUST have your zombie alert product!!!! Thank you, Zombie Alert!"
Frightened of zombies posing as menopausic sales people <>
OH USA - Friday, June 16, 2000 at 22:20:59 (PDT)
Stop your production foo! Or I'll run you down with my helluva fast custom 1982 GMC van and then eat yo brain! I'm a helluva tough and imma eat y'all!
zombie Mr. T
USA - Friday, June 23, 2000 at 01:54:37 (PDT)
I don't get it. I want to order one of these wonderfull contraptions, but there is no place to type in a credit card number or shipping address?! Anyways here is my credit card number... oh wait a second somethings knocking at my door.. hold on i'll get it....ahhhhhhh a zombie! if only I had found user friendly order sheet on website!
customer question
monroeville , pa USA - Thursday, June 29, 2000 at 23:02:49 (PDT)
Hey hey hey! What's goin' on heyar?
UK - Wednesday, July 12, 2000 at 07:43:54 (PDT)
I AM DR. ZOMBIE. host of want to eat your brains. or your liver or your may think me an actor, however it is untrue. I AM ACTUALY A ZOMBIE !!. i took this halloween tv gig for the cash and the gash.(chicks)so check it out .HTTP://WWW.HALLOWEENTHEATER.COMand all you ZOMBIE KILLERS ha i will love to add your head to my collection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAPPY HALLOWEEN XX DR . ZOMBIE XX oh yeah......... ROMERO FOREVER RULES!!
sacramento, ca USA - Saturday, July 22, 2000 at 12:24:57 (PDT)
I have had this dream about Zombies all my life and they dont seem to go away. I have talked to a lot of people about this and they dont know what to tell me. I also have a Zombie web site too its it might not work if you try to go to it "sometimes it likes to suck" anyway i love the page it hits a good place in my heart.Zombie Killer 77
Zombie Killer 77 <>
Nashville, TN USA - Wednesday, August 02, 2000 at 01:39:29 (PDT)
Dear Onko,I am a skilled programmer and have a business proposal for you. I think we should develop a world wide zombie alert system over the internet.We can set up a system where the alarms can be connected to the computer and then if someone gets an alert it will be instantly updated in the OnkoInternet Zombie Alert Database. Then we can charge people to use the patented Onko Internet Zombie Alert client software, we should call it iZombie.When they run the software it will get updates from the central database as often as users want. Obviously for this system to work, people will stillneed to use the patented alert systems which connect to their computer (needs to be developed). But since the Industrial Zombie Alert model can detect up to one mile awaythat means we only need to have one for every mile of the United States! Don't worry about lost profits! We'll charge em twice as much for the iZombie internet client.Before you know it we will go public and we'll be worth billions! All while saving the country from flesh eating zombies! Please don't turn this idea down.Please e-mail me as soon as you
Josh Schultz <>
USA - Monday, August 07, 2000 at 00:29:38 (PDT)
REEEAAWWWWW!!!VVEEERRRUUUUUMMMM!!!!!!!-:Translations:Zombies dangerous?? I never really noticed them. They squish just the same under my feet and vaporise just as fast as the rest of you tiny humans do under my nuclear breath!
Tokyo, Japan - Saturday, August 12, 2000 at 12:43:59 (PDT)
Zombie alert has taken away my livleyhood and I intend to sue!!!!!! How can I feed my wife and horde with alarms going off all over the place. Damn Zombie Alert and all the living who use it!!!!*Shakes Fist and hand falls off*
Random Generic Zombie
USA - Monday, August 14, 2000 at 14:55:25 (PDT)
I'm a zombie. These devices you sell will make it harder for me to get food, damn you.
Zombie Tucker <>
USA - Monday, August 28, 2000 at 14:28:17 (PDT)
Damn fine work yer doing. Zombies are everywhere, and peoplehave a right to know... Or, for zombies, you can detect *NON*zombies by noting when the device fails to "alert"...hmm...
Suidb0y, priest of Yog-Niv'ek <>
milwaukee, wi USA - Sunday, September 17, 2000 at 12:46:00 (PDT)
SPOOK CITY, USA - Sunday, October 08, 2000 at 14:45:45 (PDT)
ZOMBies suked my cok
killer <>
USA - Sunday, October 15, 2000 at 08:21:36 (PDT)
Dr. Z., My compliments. Unfortunate that so many thoughtless cretins feel the need to leave such vulgarisms as I havefound herein. Grow up, you buffoons. Doctor, you and I share the same plot of valley. When night falls, and blackness spreads through twisted orchardsI arise, prowling tuley mists for the stumbling bum, theerrant merrymaker, the backroad neckers and the lonelylab cook. To them all I bring the flash of surprise andthe gurgle of a curse. You are kindred, and not unlike mymortal servant who guards my sunlit slumber. I eagerly anticipate our meeting. Fear not, O Kindred: I will not takeyou.
Hearse Master
Delhi, ca USA - Thursday, October 19, 2000 at 10:06:42 (PDT)
man that was fuckin stupid as fuck
USA - Tuesday, October 31, 2000 at 09:51:04 (PST)
there comin there coming help me
dundee, scotland - Tuesday, November 07, 2000 at 02:34:19 (PST)
I was just surfing the web and I stumbled on this site.
Trey Roberts <>
Jackson, Wyo USA - Monday, November 20, 2000 at 18:20:38 (PST)
i was jus' walking around the graveyard and something gabed me you know what hapned next
Trey Roberts <>
Jackson, Wyo USA - Monday, November 20, 2000 at 18:27:30 (PST)
My name is still Orrin and I really like like like like like Zombies and Rick Montez...I work at W.L. best friend is Roger Forbish!
Todd Norin <>
USA - Thursday, November 23, 2000 at 20:14:06 (PST)
when i was a young child we moved to a place witch turned out that it was an old burial ground and these ghosts would hount me untill one day when i was taking the rubbish out and this thing came up and threw up on me then followd me for a bit with theese wierd sounds
julian hutt <>
new zealand - Wednesday, November 29, 2000 at 16:52:14 (PST)
well well, who would of guessed even I the son of the morning have been forgiven...
portland, or USA - Tuesday, December 26, 2000 at 12:52:59 (PST)
i am a zombie
Scott jacobs <>
marion, nc USA - Wednesday, January 17, 2001 at 09:50:19 (PST)
Bu Sayfa boktan ben kizlarla ilgilenirim. BENIM LE KONUSMAK ISTIYORSAN E-MAILIM
delikanli <>
uk - Sunday, January 28, 2001 at 07:58:57 (PST)
Please can I see a Zombi
Ryan spolding <>
USA - Thursday, February 15, 2001 at 04:40:14 (PST)
Hey,I have found the Zombie Alert system works amazingly well for most Zombies....Philosophical & Hollywood Zombies drop like the lame brain dead beings they are. Apparently kung fu poses scares the crap out of the Philosophical Zombies...not much of a surprise. The Haitian Zombie is the most frightening in my humble opinion...ahhhhh. I have adapted my Zombie Alert System to detect the dreaded Haitian Zombie. When detected the system plays Iggy & The Stooges tune Search & Destroy....brains explode in a similar fashion to the Martians in Mars Attacks when exposed to the sounds of Slim Whitman...messy though. As a back up somebody advised me to pick up a Flame Thrower...sounds like a good plan.....Beware Zombies of all kinds....we will triumph!!!!!
Ms Bates <>
zombie free zone, USA - Wednesday, March 14, 2001 at 20:09:04 (PST)
Hey,I have found the Zombie Alert system works amazingly well for most Zombies....Philosophical & Hollywood Zombies drop like the lame brain dead beings they are. Apparently kung fu poses scares the crap out of the Philosophical Zombies...not much of a surprise. The Haitian Zombie is the most frightening in my humble opinion...ahhhhh. I have adapted my Zombie Alert System to detect the dreaded Haitian Zombie. When detected the system plays Iggy & The Stooges tune Search & Destroy....brains explode in a similar fashion to the Martians in Mars Attacks when exposed to the sounds of Slim Whitman...messy though. As a back up somebody advised me to pick up a Flame Thrower...sounds like a good plan.....Beware Zombies of all kinds....we will triumph!!!!!
Ms Bates
zombie free zone, USA - Wednesday, March 14, 2001 at 20:09:55 (PST)
My Zombie friend Dave was detected by one of your "hi-tech" detection devices. He thought he was home free when he saw that family of four sitting down to dinner. Little did he know that they had anti-zombie devices. Now he is in a maximum security prison in Texas and scheduled for execution in late 2003. Thanks to Zombie Alert, I have lost a good friend and a source of food!
A Friend of a Zombie
CAN - Thursday, March 15, 2001 at 14:10:55 (PST)
bRAInS ...... bRAaiNS!!! NNNggNgnG..... brAINs!!!!!!
USA - Monday, March 19, 2001 at 07:46:32 (PST)
I've just finished compiling the data for my, "SURVIVORS GUIDE TO LIVING THROUGH THE ZOMBIE MENACE", I plan to include your add as an appendix to it. I have had incredible success with your products, and no one is safe without one!
The Paleman <>
Ocean Springs, MS USA - Friday, April 06, 2001 at 13:07:27 (PDT)
USA - Friday, April 13, 2001 at 16:51:59 (PDT)
USA - Friday, April 13, 2001 at 16:52:40 (PDT)
USA - Friday, April 13, 2001 at 16:56:09 (PDT)
USA - Friday, April 13, 2001 at 16:56:40 (PDT)
Yoah, Last night I was sleeping and this boom boom boom went on my door dah what could it be dad. Oh yeah my boyfriend bangs that loud and he came in and had sex with me and my dad was watcing so come call me i am really really sezxy and hootttttttttt! Kiss bye. Oh , huh come have sex with me k. Bye Stick your dick up my posie. Uh, Yeah.
Cameron is Gay! u no love <>
Henderson, N.V USA - Friday, May 04, 2001 at 23:26:06 (PDT)
Cameron that is gay you no ,love <>
Henderson, N.V USA - Friday, May 04, 2001 at 23:36:32 (PDT)
We tried to board up all the windows in the lower house, but they just kept on coming. They're so slow, But they don't half get in the way when U try to close the Doors!
Ben and Barbara <>
USA - Saturday, May 12, 2001 at 15:25:08 (PDT)
Some scary stuff happened today, ahhh, ohmy god, a zombie, shit.....
USA - Sunday, May 13, 2001 at 17:54:15 (PDT)
Zomby alurt peeple no bye okae too leave door unlockd..zombies not real..rrrruuuuurrrrrrrrrr....
a mahnnn, not zombeee
USA - Thursday, May 17, 2001 at 10:20:14 (PDT)
zombies will come when hell is full so be ready for them your family members will not recognize you (if they are zombies)
joe blow
newyork, ca USA - Sunday, June 24, 2001 at 19:17:10 (PDT)
Ahem. I was just wondering, how many nipples does your standard zombie have?I'm s'posed to check. Sigh.And to think, I could have been a banker.
Newt Pulsifer
USA - Wednesday, July 25, 2001 at 08:29:19 (PDT)
Thanks to the support of the American People and Onkos Zombie alert I am able to enjoy a wonderful zombie-free child hood. Fidel survived the unthinkable - a zombie attack as a child where his parents and other military jump suit were lost to the realm of the zombies. So I Elian Gonzalez encourage you to purchase the Onko Zombie Alert to prevert your children from growing up to become dictators of island nations. Thanks Zombie Alert, Elian
Elian Gonzalez <>
Havanna, - Cuba - Friday, August 10, 2001 at 00:46:55 (PDT)
I just want to complain about your zombie alert personal edition- some bloody groupie had one on and came backstage, and freaked us out whenever she got near our guitarist, keith. Can ya do somethin about that?
Mick Jagger <>
New York, NY USA - Friday, August 10, 2001 at 08:04:43 (PDT)
I received your home Zombie Alert and installed it, but thenwhen my husband got home from his job it kept going off forno reason. I know he's a computer programmer, but just becausethe job is eating his brain, does that mean he's after mine?Help, he's made me take the batteries out and he keeps droolingon my hair.
A worried wife <>
Los Angeles, CA USA - Friday, August 10, 2001 at 18:54:11 (PDT)
I purchased your zombie alert system and was most upset when I found it did not function. Just two nights ago, a zombie entered my bedroom through my window, ate my brain, and left.Now I am just like 99% of the people in this country. I have shit for brains. (had to put something in there)
Disgruntled Customer <>
Portsmouth, OH USA - Sunday, August 12, 2001 at 08:13:04 (PDT)
waaaabllaaa aaa...smmiu
blub <Skin-e bee>
blaarg, irg norway - Sunday, August 12, 2001 at 10:13:00 (PDT)
i think i'm going to be okay because the cemetery nearest me has razor wire along its perimeter, presumably to keep the zombies inside. also, i think my congressman is pushing for legislation to require ALL cemeteries to voluntarily put up this kind of protection. "is this the end of zombie shakespeare?"
captain nobody <>
chicago, IL USA - Sunday, August 12, 2001 at 16:58:57 (PDT)
I am the host of TV's "The Newley Dead Game" Where would I be without the undead in love? Long live the zombie!Bob
Bob Boobanks <>
CA USA - Monday, August 13, 2001 at 21:56:35 (PDT)
Zombies. I will sign into law the Zombie Stem Cell Research Act. This will allow benefits of Zombie technology to advance our own research.
GWB <>
Washington, DC USA - Tuesday, August 14, 2001 at 06:02:08 (PDT)
Is Yoko Ono a zombie?
Ronnie Baby <>
TX USA - Tuesday, August 14, 2001 at 06:03:47 (PDT)
You know, a few open cans of pork brains placed strategically outside the house (or better yet, a neighbor's house) is a way cheaper deterrent than your Zombie alert. . . .
Giz <>
Richmond, vVva USA - Wednesday, August 15, 2001 at 06:27:37 (PDT)
Thanks to your page, I now realize that I am a Zombie."Technically speaking, a Zombie is a human being who, despite having full mastery of a set of sensation-concepts, is nevertheless himself unable to have any sensations appropriate to those concepts."Holy shit. It all makes sense now. The inability to laugh, the failure connect meaningfully with other people, my habit of biting people's skulls. I must have died about 10 years ago and just didn't notice.Knowing who I am make me feel so free.I can now say it loud and proud. I AM ZOMBIE, HEAR ME ROAR! This makes me happy. I'm going to get me some brains now.
chaz <>
USA - Thursday, August 16, 2001 at 06:27:23 (PDT)
For a while now, I was thinking that I was mentally disturbed or dysfunctional and in need of counseling or therapy or something. How wrong was i! I AM UNDEAD - what use have i of your psychological concepts!? I sneer at your puny human therapy!! I! (ph33r my faux html!)
chaz <>
USA - Thursday, August 16, 2001 at 06:41:39 (PDT)
chaz <>
USA - Thursday, August 16, 2001 at 06:42:47 (PDT)
What's that delicious smell!? It's my breakfast!! It's Curried Brains! Want some?? MMMMMMMMM!
chaz <>
USA - Thursday, August 16, 2001 at 07:20:19 (PDT)
Boy, I'll tell you, Zombie Alert works just as advertised. We'd been having a problem with Zombies ever since a local cemetary was relocated to make room for a gangley wrench factory. They startle us awake at least once a week and we wind up having to get out of bed, play loud Henry Mancini music on the stereo, and turn on all the lights.We opted for the Industrial Zombie Alert though we use it in our residence. We get warning in plenty of time thanks to Zombie Alert! Now we have plenty of time to put on eye shades, insert ear plugs and go back to snooze while the sights and sounds of our house protect us from harm. Thanks you, Zombie Alert!
USA - Thursday, August 16, 2001 at 22:46:55 (PDT)
There's a sure fire way to detect Zombies using the internet: they display the following traits:They type in all lower case. They don't know the difference between your and you're and fail to see the distinction between there and their. If you see anyone posting using any of the attributes run for your life! They're dead!
Leo Q Deww <>
USA - Thursday, August 16, 2001 at 22:50:18 (PDT)
Hell me their eatting my brainss.......................................
robs <>
7 Layer of Hell, Ar hell - Friday, August 17, 2001 at 10:09:06 (PDT)
I have no problem with people protecting themselves from Zombie-violence. However, when we institutionalize this protection, and in point of fact, RELY on a single product for this information, the consumer loses his natural 'vibe' for dectecting evil Zombie juju.
Ralph Nader <>
New York, NY USA - Sunday, August 19, 2001 at 23:33:49 (PDT)
Now, if they had just had these things in Resident Evil 2, i wouln't have Shit my self as many times as i did!!
NeoSizer <>
USA - Thursday, August 23, 2001 at 08:16:30 (PDT)
The recently departed <>
Hershey, PA USA - Sunday, September 02, 2001 at 20:08:47 (PDT)
Have fun and fool your friends! Dress up as a Zombie for Halloween. Visit for lots of Zombie masks, props, makeup, etc. A good selection now available and MORE to come!WARNING: Before visiting your family and friends to munch on their "brains" be absolutely certain that the batters to their Zombie Alert have been removed. Remember, the Zombie Alert is the one that is marked ZOMBIE ALERT! Don't confuse it with the Smoke Detector!
Haunted Ventures FX <>
Hershey, P USA - Sunday, September 02, 2001 at 20:14:57 (PDT)
I've installed Zombie Alert in my office... and I was astonished to learn that most of my coworkerrs are zombies!Thank you, Onko!
Steve Miller <>
USA - Monday, September 03, 2001 at 04:15:45 (PDT)
I thought i was the only one! HA! someone sent me this site since they know I'm such a zombi-phobe because i plan zombie escape routes wherever i go. But THEYLL be wishing they wern't laughing at me when zombies are munching thier brains and I escape! They'll be sorry!I'm glad to see I'm not the only one with the insight.gwen
gwen <>
arlington, TX USA - Tuesday, September 04, 2001 at 14:48:53 (PDT)
Before I got Zombie alert I was afraid to go to sleep.Now I can sleep safely without any nightmares
USA - Friday, September 07, 2001 at 05:09:44 (PDT)
Im a memeber of the living dead, not a zombie , but a Vampire we are the creme de' le' creme of the undead world and I'm sure they will never know I am coming. Muahhhahahaa! Don't worry, I've only come here to suck your blood!
The Vampire Damien <>
USA - Friday, September 07, 2001 at 21:33:39 (PDT)
USA - Monday, September 10, 2001 at 03:51:45 (PDT)
Thank you Zombie Alert! Your ZombieAlert have saved me and my family many times from Zobieattacks. It feels good now that I can be safe again whenever I got to sleep.Zelly from Crystal Lake
Zelest <>
Orebro, Sweden - Tuesday, September 11, 2001 at 05:33:06 (PDT)
...brain....hunger...need brain too conquer pain...zombie no like....
zombie-dogge <>
Gbg, Suecia - Saturday, September 15, 2001 at 04:12:31 (PDT)
Fantastic line of products. You have anything that works for Mormons or Jehova's Witnesses?
EvilDeadFan <>
San Francisco, CA USA - Monday, September 24, 2001 at 12:41:48 (PDT)
The Church of SLAPPY concurs with the dire need for early warning devices such as "zombie alert". All members of the church of SLAPPY have a small microchip implanted into their skulls, these chips can be read from very high altitudes and "may or may-not" contain a very small amount of C-4 explosive. These explosives can be triggered via satellite in case of Zombie infection, rendering the infected person useless. The charge destroys the lower part of the brain and the top of spinal cord. The church of SLAPPY believes that everyone should have these devices implanted before the zombies take over. I live in Dallas, and there are at least 3 or 4 zombie killings reported every week. (Don’t get me started on robot attacks)
ePPY <>
Big-D, Tx USA - Monday, September 24, 2001 at 13:45:15 (PDT)
hey dudes. I witnessed a crazy zombie attack once. there was this one zombie munching on brains with forks and knives and spoons and sharing it with little kids. then there was a second zombie who was trying to hunt down the first zombie. and he wanted to have his zombie pigs eat him because he turned him into a zombie. SCAREY. or maybe it was just a movie i saw once.
san diego, ca USA - Wednesday, September 26, 2001 at 09:09:30 (PDT)
I thought that these guys were just tryin' to get me to vote for their party or some shit. Then I get one of these Zombie Alerts and I find that they aren't Mormoons or Democrats but Zombies. Man, my hous e smells a whole lot better these days.
I am not sure <>
Reading, UK - Saturday, September 29, 2001 at 11:19:38 (PDT)
I represent the ALDDL - Anti-living-dead-defamation-league - and I demand that you stop selling these racists products. Why, I'll bet some of YOUR best friends are zombies!! And... oh hello, darlin'. didn't see ya come in. C'mere an' gimme a kiss. *chomp* ow! that hurt. and I'm bleeding all over....the....carpet....thingy (few minutes later) Itchy...........tasty......
C. Adaver <>
- Monday, October 01, 2001 at 07:24:59 (PDT)
you lot are so out of order,i mean i want to do an honest day of being ghoulish (OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWHHHHHHHHHH) and you bastards make this contraption. Everytime I walk past it my scarey zombie trban sets off the alarm, i know ur trying to earn an honest lump of rasmali but ur threatening my lively hood, bastard mr's
Deadtej Zombiesal (formerly known as Mantej Bansal)
Ilford innit hehehehehehehehe, England - Saturday, October 06, 2001 at 05:03:05 (PDT)
I pulled my pants down in class today and this girl zombie bit my pee pee off. considering at the second before detachment i felt this funny tingling and peeing facade going on i think i got the last laugh! that funny girl zombie was covered head to toe in white stuff, im a funny peepeeless 5th grader ain't I!
Billy Bob <>
hodderville, CA USA - Monday, October 08, 2001 at 18:49:01 (PDT)
leave me alone.
Rob Zombie
USA - Friday, October 12, 2001 at 16:06:33 (PDT)
Fuck you all! Someday (maybe soon) i'll be a zombie.
Osama Bin Laden <>
Barceboba, sPAIN - Thursday, October 18, 2001 at 03:04:56 (PDT)
LONDON, UK - Thursday, October 18, 2001 at 05:07:01 (PDT)
DAURY, CA USA - Thursday, October 18, 2001 at 05:10:41 (PDT)
We've had zombies in Europe for hundreds of years now. In the center of Amsterdam the zombies are accepted as a part of society. They have their own subculture and they know how to behave. If they don't behave, they'll be taken out usually within a few hours. Only recently the number of zombies have started to grow rapidly. The government are planning on new ways of dealing with the zombies.
Bill Rain <>
Amsterdam, Netherlands - Monday, October 29, 2001 at 05:21:27 (PST)
I´m the zombie minister, and I hate all these fucking zombies, please send me the biggest alert you got!The hole capital is attacked by zomdies, I´m sitting on a roof, only with a spoon to defence...ej det passer sgu da íkke, jeg er i skole hø-hø.,.
Poul Nyrup <poulpik@dk.hero>
USA - Thursday, November 01, 2001 at 03:56:35 (PST)
I'm a live-and-let live kinda guy; NOT to be confused with a live-and-let-unlive-so-you-can-eat-my-tasty-brains guy. Where do you zombies get off?! Come shuffle by my neighborhood looking for a meal and SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!!
Jeremy <>
Columbia, TN USA - Thursday, November 01, 2001 at 09:28:33 (PST)
to all you zombie hunters handguns are the best for smoke there undead ass,sbig clips to like glocks and m92s peace out and aim true
mad man matt <>
ca USA - Friday, November 02, 2001 at 17:19:21 (PST)
Hey! Neat idea. I like the site.I've met a zombie. check out my site. lol
Jay <>
Toronto, CAN - Saturday, November 03, 2001 at 11:31:14 (PST)
Ok Zombie alert people. I must say im impressed with your products to stop Zombies. But, without hell there is no need for heaven. Without Evil there is no good. Lastly, without Zombies there is no point in Zombie Alert. I am the perfector! See, i purchased your silly products and used them on my Zombies and ive worked out the wrinkles! Time for a 2.0 sweeties! The Undead walk! With ot without or poop smear little product! There is no hope and my soon-to-open website will prove it!heeherheehaw!.....hawwerrgoo!
Victor Romandetti <>
Mohnton, pa USA - Saturday, November 10, 2001 at 19:07:55 (PST)
Help!!! After giving me an awesome blowjob this female zombie ate my dick!!!
Marcus Aurelius <>
Queens, NY USA - Sunday, November 18, 2001 at 21:35:50 (PST)
THANK GOD for ZOMBIE-ALERT TM-!! I was sitting at home one day eating a bowl of pudding, when the local graveyard burts open, and the living dead began to overtake my neighborhood--My ZOMBIE-ALERT TM certainly did the job! It alerted me the moment that the first hand broke the surface of the ground, and I was in my car, driving I-95 down to Tampa by the time my neighbors were being eaten in their homes!Thanks ZOMBIE-ALERT TM
Jace Toal <>
Philly, PA AmericaLand - Saturday, December 01, 2001 at 09:04:29 (PST)
THANK GOD for ZOMBIE-ALERT TM-!! I was sitting at home one day eating a bowl of pudding, when the local graveyard burts open, and the living dead began to overtake my neighborhood--My ZOMBIE-ALERT TM certainly did the job! It alerted me the moment that the first hand broke the surface of the ground, and I was in my car, driving I-95 dow
Jace Toal <>
Philly, PA AmericaLand - Saturday, December 01, 2001 at 09:10:35 (PST)
did you know that a certian plant drugs humans and turns them into zombies
brendan <>
livonia, mi USA - Friday, December 07, 2001 at 19:54:56 (PST)
check this zombie site out!!!!!!!!!!!
swampy <>
USA - Sunday, January 13, 2002 at 18:22:54 (PST)
Being a zombie I must protest! where is the ACLU when you need them! Dont we have rights too? Perhaps I'll go on a hunger strike...just as soon as I eat my girlfriend's hot and spicy brains
Red Deadman
USA - Wednesday, January 30, 2002 at 14:38:19 (PST)
You will not survive! Your feeble attempts to thwart us will fail. Your brain belongs to our legions and no glorified smoke detector will stop us! I look forward to the day when your sweet, juicy neurons slide down my throat!
Russian Destruction
UK - Monday, February 11, 2002 at 07:41:13 (PST)
I once had sex with a Zombie!
USA - Friday, February 22, 2002 at 03:13:02 (PST)
I'm coming to get ya....
Kent Qvist <>
Västerås, Sweden - Saturday, February 23, 2002 at 10:33:26 (PST)
i need healing iv bin 2 racoon city got me a zombie hed if uwan more stories visit
kan have <>
cucmmgg, uij Japan - Monday, February 25, 2002 at 12:07:53 (PST)
I have a rock that keeps away tigers. Anyone wanna buy one?
Max Override
USA - Thursday, February 28, 2002 at 09:15:44 (PST)
I am a zombie and I mistakenly installed one of your infernal devices in my home thinking it was a carbon monoxide detector. Now the thing won't shut up! I can't get near it, it seems to get louder as I approach it... and I most of my eardrums have rotted and I want to save what I have left! Can you send a service technician to my house to disconnect it? One with a big brain would be nice please. Thanx!
Zombie #10023491
Milwaukee, WI USA - Thursday, February 28, 2002 at 10:47:18 (PST)
Hey, if you watched the 2002 Winter Olympics, you may know that that big German guy who X-C skies for Spain had to give back his Gold Medal for the 50k classic race. The olympic committee said it was because of a drug, so new it's not even on the banned substance list, but that is all lies. He was DQed because he's a ZOMBIE!! If you watch the tape, where he's crossing the finish line, in the bottom left hand corner of your screen you'll see part of a big ol' bowl full of steaming brains!! I think Spain used dog or cow brains or something, but who knows. Alls I know is it ain't right! ONKO, you should try cutting a deal with the IOC... think of the money you'd make supplying all future Olympics with Zombie Alerts!! Faster, stronger, undeader!
TV Watcher
Stanton, MN USA - Thursday, February 28, 2002 at 12:14:58 (PST)
Do Zombie Alert products only work when the zombies are attacking? Because one of my coworkers is a zombie, but he never attacks anybody.
Harrisburg, PA USA - Thursday, February 28, 2002 at 16:05:42 (PST)
Zombie Alert save my family !!Thank you Onko.I was so impressed I bought the franchise for the whole of Victoria... I'm raking in the money now (as I lay back and drink alcoholic beverages from dusk till dawn).
Jaime Drysdale <>
Melbourne, Vic Australia - Thursday, February 28, 2002 at 18:27:08 (PST)
Check out
george bonilla <>
lexington, ky. USA - Thursday, February 28, 2002 at 20:18:27 (PST)
This is nothing short of vile prejudice and hate mongoring.You'll be hearing from our lawyers in due course!
People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies <>
USA - Friday, March 01, 2002 at 05:19:08 (PST)
well, I got no complaints with the fine ZA products themselves, but a word of advice, people: DO NOT PUT RADIO SHACK BRAND BATTERIES IN THESE THINGS! Oh sure, I usually use the Energizers or the Duracells. But the Shack was having a sale on them double-A's, and I thought, "Hell, with the money I save on batteries, I can buy another case of 9mm parabellum hollow points!" So I threw those babies in the personal at home, and went to bed, secure in the knowledge that I would be hastily awakened should an incursion of the walking undead prove to be imminent. I wake up at 3 a.m., and I hear a little chirping sound, like a cricket or some damn thing - "chirp, chirp". Turns out it was the "battery low" signal from my ZA personal model. I'd just put the damn things in the night before! Next thing I know I hear a bunch of moaning and shuffling on my front porch, bunch of damn zombies pounding on my front door. I barely had time to grab my nine, slip out the side door, and cap the back of a few zombie heads before they broke the front door down. The moral of this story: Use plastic, not paper, when reloading shotgun shells (paper jams!), Be sure you use at least a 6-layer plywood when boarding up your windows, and don't skimp on the batteries for your Zombie Alert detector!
Evil Resident <noneof>
USA - Sunday, March 03, 2002 at 02:44:12 (PST)
you are the best
shaun <>
Newcastle, England - Sunday, March 03, 2002 at 08:02:09 (PST)
Zombie Alert saved my entire house & town from Zombie Attack. The Slomin's Shield didn't! Thanks, Zombie Alert!
Noteaten By Zombies <>
Philadelphia, PA USA - Tuesday, March 05, 2002 at 09:50:20 (PST)
i dont think you shouldnt bother trying to stop zomies, alien attack is obviously a more pressing issue, duh, for more information on ways to stop aliens visit
USA - Thursday, March 07, 2002 at 02:25:53 (PST)
Me, The Terminator offers his service to you the Zombie fearing public, if you have a zombie problem ... Who you gonna call .. The Terminator. The Terminator deal with zomies the old fashion way grab by the balls and beat them down , no fancy stuff just a good old fashiion ass kicking. If you require The Terminator sevice email The Terminator at
The Terminator <>
Bristol, England - Thursday, March 07, 2002 at 02:34:16 (PST)
if your town is infested with the undead, if theyre banging at your door, or if you just have any questions regarding zombies email the expert at
USA - Thursday, March 07, 2002 at 02:35:24 (PST)
The Terminator is doing a 20% off sale though out Easter so Call Now dont wait because it might just be a little Too late.
The Terminator
Bristol, England - Thursday, March 07, 2002 at 02:44:25 (PST)
The Terminator is doing a 20% off sale though out Easter so Call Now dont wait because it might just be a little Too late.
The Terminator
Bristol, England - Thursday, March 07, 2002 at 02:44:35 (PST)
The Terminator is offering his services at a discounted rate, though out Easter. The Terminator is offering 20% off call now dont wait because it my be just a little too late
The Terminator <>
Bristol, England - Thursday, March 07, 2002 at 03:13:52 (PST)
the zombie killer is having a 25% sale throughout easter so if u have a problem dont delay, contact
bob <>
USA - Friday, March 08, 2002 at 06:21:55 (PST)
zombie killer <>
USA - Friday, March 08, 2002 at 06:28:49 (PST)
Man i fight Zombiods every f'n day now there's a product that help those pesky zombie ambushes. All f'n right. For personal protection not just early warning system which A good idea, but you also need louievile slugger for proctection for when the zombies do come, which dose the trick on bashin' zombie heads 90% of the time or an aluminium which is good but dosen't have that weight you need for that real stopin' power. Because only a shot the head will take out standard zombie. Mind you when up agianst demonic zombiods all the head shots in world would't do crap, you'd need some infalmitory materials like a molitov or a preist/witch doctor/rabbi/ what ever. Mutant zombies or the otherhand are like the standard only strongier and willier you'll need a high gauge shot gun, no 22ca thier like bb pellets on those mothers'. Pet zombies general you can run over them with a car like livin' pets allthough be wary of big dogs and zoo animals/wild that aren't quite dead. But be creative in killin' zombiods that's half the fun belive me. Keep up the fight and keep the zombies down!
Punk'n Zombie Fighter <>
Rochester, NY USA - Sunday, March 10, 2002 at 12:23:15 (PST)
Pues mira yo estab tan tranquilo en el almacen con chema dandonos el lotazo en esto que debido a la calor que hacia o por lo menos yo tenia el tipo anteriormete mencionado se quito la camisa y me fije que se fijaba mucho en mi estupendo craneo querria comerme el cerebro el tio desustanciao en esto que yo le ataque y le meti ejem ejem por el (_!_) y el se desintegro rapidamente se como acabar con los zombies PUTO CHEMA
Paco <>
Zaragoza, España España - Wednesday, March 13, 2002 at 04:01:34 (PST)
ACHTUNG: Der übermäßig nazis kommt!
Das Zombie Jäger
BERLIN, Deutschland - Thursday, March 14, 2002 at 22:09:03 (PST)
Hello from New Orleans.
The Wizard <>
New Orleans., La. USA - Thursday, April 04, 2002 at 21:19:58 (PST)
I haven't got long, they are beginning to surround me now. Almost everyone is dead here and I can hear the distant roar of them. They are all neginning to gather round now. I can hear them. Oh my God they're coming. I am hidinh out here and everything seems secure but for how long. Jesus I always thought I'd be prepared. I never thought they'd creep up so fast, and so many dead. I tried to dave them but they were just too slow. I may be the last survivor here because more and more come here everyday which means they are running out of food. If only I had my zombie alarm, I could have got away. Oh my God they're com.................................................
Coolzombie <>
Aberdeen, Scotland - Friday, April 05, 2002 at 13:50:52 (PST)
The Ministry of Truth says that your products may cause perturbations in the sub-etheric strata. This has been shown in controlled laboratory experiments to cause the very necrotic hyper-plasia that leads to zombie attacks. A representitive will be contacting you shortly with an order for 10,000 units.You may now return to your regularly schedualed reality.
Rev. Dead Corpse <>
Austin, TX USA - Tuesday, April 09, 2002 at 21:01:49 (PDT)
WHITBY CANADA, KA ONTARIO - Wednesday, April 10, 2002 at 17:44:29 (PDT)
You know, just as soon as some software company invents some new copy-protection, some kid in Ohio cracks it. How can we be SURE that Onko's Zombie Alert devices won't be obsolete by the time they arrive? Do you offer affordable upgrades?
Your pal, Jim
Milwaukee, WI USA - Thursday, April 11, 2002 at 09:12:04 (PDT)
Great site. I have many thesis on zombies. ask and i shall deliver. ex) Familial Attachment in Relation to the Necroambulate
R. W. C. DR of Zombology <>
Phili, PA USA - Friday, April 12, 2002 at 15:22:54 (PDT)
I think the best waepon u can use against a zombie is a shotgun note-I am a ferm beliver in the resident evil balefs shuch as if you dont want to join them shoot them shoot them alot
MR.X <>
USA - Friday, April 19, 2002 at 16:46:16 (PDT)
What y'all dont realize is that zombies only want a hug. HUG YOUR ZOMBIES!
Juan <>
USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 08:38:17 (PDT)
As the writer of the still-in-preproduction unofficial "Resident Evil: The Musical!", I find these products not only super effective during the inspiration process (during which one is dropped by helicopter into infested cities) but also during the audition process: remember, having a real zombie playing a fake zombie isn't good karma. Keep up the good work; I personally recommend the Personal Protector, Model 240rolx. Hasn't failed me yet!--LEM
L. E. Martin <>
Houston, tx USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 08:47:30 (PDT)
The Living Dead issue has been largely ignored by Congress and the national media. It's good, honest, hard-working Americans that have to deal with the threat of the Hungry Dead, and I'm glad, NO! PROUD, to see that the good folks at Zombie Alert have answered the call to protect the right-thinking brains of right-thinking citizens. Damn dirty zombies!
Dan Anderson <>
Las Cruces, NM USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 08:53:01 (PDT)
Hey there, my fellow paranoid friends! I've got some great bits of information that could easily save your lives! Through my electronics training, I found that the Personal Detector can be used for a variety of land-mine devices. Simply bury jerry cans of volital explosives, gunpowder or such with the two green wires, you know, the ones in the left side of the thing after you take the cover off, in the explosive. Plant these liberally... err... conservatively around your front door, under windows, and even in your chimney for stopping small amounts of zombies. To eliminate larger numbers of zombies, drench broad patches of your lawn with fuel oil and plant the residenial detectors inside those. Since those stinking zombie pigs tend to avoid bright light, they'll leave your house alone. With luck, you're neighbors will be able to navigate the burning mazes and make it to your basement to arm themselves with whatnot you keep loaded down there. When the zombies finally reach your home, the mines will thin their ranks and protect blind spots while the roaring flames consume the ruined corpses of the ones you shoot, thus putting them out of commision till the Reds show up, when you might need a few zombies as scarecrows to distract their infantry while you pull the PaK .75 from the garage... err... I don't actually have an antitank gun in the garage, honest...
Crazed Survivalist #827639 <>
Waco, Tx USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 08:56:02 (PDT)
What size batteries do they take?
Memphis, TN USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 08:59:59 (PDT)
I purchased one not to long ago and unfortunately i live near a gap store and my ZA just keeps going off. I need to know if you have any updates for your product. Do you plan on making a vampire/mummy/demon/santa claus detector? My daugther is dead set on catching Santa so she can ask him a couple questions about last years christmas. Great product. It pays for itself. Me and the wife sleep safer at night. Thanks Zombie Alert.
David <>
Raliegh, NC USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 10:45:50 (PDT)
Also, don't forget to change your batteries on your ZombieAlert.For the Love of God, change those batteries.
Zeke Hillard
Templeton, MN USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 11:08:13 (PDT)
Does the Zombie Alert work on all forms of Zombies(Venus Space Radiation, Black Magic, T-Virus)? Do you also sell specially made zombie supression weapons?
MartMan the Zombie Thrasher <>
Ottawa, On Canada - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 11:09:43 (PDT)
Great Product. Any chance that you could develop something to detect Catholic Priests, and keep our children safe?
Thadeus <>
USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 11:55:24 (PDT)
USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 12:44:05 (PDT)
Thank goodness we finally have a forum in which to discuss the stark reality of the Zombie threat. For too long the call has gone unanswered and the Zombie epidemic has been allowed to flourish at the cost of countless innocent lives. Because of the odd localized nature of Zombie outbreaks, its easy for some people to lull themselves into an attitude of disbelief towards the magnitude of this issue. Racoon City was our Alamo but how many more people have to die, how many more cities must be lost before a plan of action is set into motion? Let's mobilize people, lets take a stand against undead vermin everywhere. Remember Racoon City...
StarUnlit the Obscenity Deluxe <>
Toronto in the True North, Ont CAN - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 13:26:52 (PDT)
I only eat brains because my elder zombies molested me at a young age, propelling me to eagerly devour brains voraciously. If I had good hours of therap-No! What are you doing?!DAMN YOU ZOMBIE ALERT!
Poor Molested Zombie Boy
USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 13:28:24 (PDT)
I got bit by a Zombie and I'm afraid I am now becoming one.Not to mention that it really smarts.
Jim Grope
Puckerville, USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 15:08:10 (PDT)
USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 15:09:48 (PDT)
you have to be FRICKING fucking with me. You people are insane and you should all be locked you. Bunch of fucking idiots
Gary Gilbert <>
fort collins, co USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 15:11:13 (PDT)
My brothers; The Battlemage of Death and Air and The Battlemage of Searing Life and I have been dedicated to fighting, utterly destroying and even controling the undead for over a year now. The Onko Zombie Alert system has been an essential part of ridding the world of the undead, thanks to its ability to detect undead, we are now able to channel our magic forces into more destructive spells instead of wasting it on finding them first. If you ever need to rid yourself of the undead, demonic powers or bug infestation, e-mail me at or The Battlemage of Death and Air at .
The Battlemage of Holy Life <>
Edmonton, Alberta Canada - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 15:11:59 (PDT)
I HAVE A COMPLAINT ABOUT YOUR ZOMBIE ALARM. It went off in the middle of the night and i SHOT my mother-in-law!!!!........ Then again... that would explain the flaky skin and the smell.... THANK YOU ZOMBIE ALERT!!!! :D
Corner Brook, NFLD Canada - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 15:23:04 (PDT)
Well gee. That solves all my zobie worries. But hat about wherewolves? Those bastards keep me up every month. And vampires. How can I deal with the rest of my monstrous foes?
Jon-Jon <>
USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 15:50:27 (PDT)
Thanks Onko, for your wonderful products. However, why don't you develop a line of preventative zombification drugs/salves? Because, you know, every dead body that is not exterminated gets up and kills, and every body it kills gets up and kills.
USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 17:01:56 (PDT)
In my experience I have noticed that a Elephant Gun works best for headshots to take out the minions of the Zombie world. Just the other day one of those smelly brain eaters was sneaking around in my yard trying to paint my house with various "Barney"-esque colors.....Praise be to the mighty Elephant Gun....and thanks for the early warning Zombie Alert!
USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 17:05:57 (PDT)
Me want moneyMe love you long timei hav bulet in my armlong tim
An undead Oriental Whore
- Monday, April 29, 2002 at 17:23:08 (PDT)
Onko, dudes! You guys saved my life! Yesterday I was sitting in my room minding my own business when my Zombie Alert goes off! So I pick up my shotgun and step outside, and this damned frenchman was close to devouring my dog's head! So I blasted the thing into tiny little parts (this is of course after we discussed Marxism and it became utterly baffled...I needed to make sure, because, I mean, I could have accidentally shot a LIVING stupid frenchman...)Thanks Onko.
Prætor Rusty <>
ON Canada - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 17:51:05 (PDT)
Hoorae for Zombie Alert! If its good enough for the God of Death, then its good enough for everybody. I mean, just yesterday I took a bunch of souls and their bodies became all zombified. If I hadn't had my Zombie Alert, I'd have my own unholy army of the undead and... oh.
Shinigami <>
USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 17:59:47 (PDT)
You guys are feeding off my success. Rot in Hell!
Rob Zombie
USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 18:24:26 (PDT)
As much as elephant guns are cool, I find the M37 western custom shotgun is the fastest and most efficient way to take down Zombies. Uzis and double handguns are cool too ^_^ (I think we really should have a real forum to discuss these zombie matter!)
MartMan the Zombie Thrasher <>
Ottawa, On Canada - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 18:37:05 (PDT)
I suppose I would be worried about zombies and thus be receptive to your product pitch if it weren't for the fact that I am a Ninja trained in the arts of flipping out and killing people (which is totally awesome) and also wailing on my guitar while defeating pirates with my many boners and flying.
A Ninja!!!
USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 19:00:53 (PDT)
Everything I know in life I learned from the Simpsons or from my Latin class. Latin is, of course, worthless against Zombies (It only works against Mothra, as any fool knows). The Simpsons, however, has proven most effective. After purchasing your devise, I sat down to watch my favorite Zombie-related episode of that award-winning program, when the alarm went off. Since this is Iowa, I was expected the undead at any time. Well, I quickly fast-forwarded the episode, hoping to glean some Zombie-fighting tactics, but the Zombies bit me and ate my brain before I could learn any. So, naturally, the people of Iowa elected me to the U.S. Senate. Thanks Zombie Alert!
Rory Cline <>
Des Moines, IA USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 19:16:58 (PDT)
Because of the ban on stem cell research, we will never be able to create artificial and yet real human brains for them to eat! We will all perish and for no better reason than a zombies hunger. DAMN YOU G.W.!!!!!
northridge, CA USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 20:12:46 (PDT)
While it's true brains are a great snack for zombies it's a proven fact that most of the american functions all too often without the help of their brains
Fairborn/Carlisle, OH USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 21:41:21 (PDT)
I am a zombie. I eat you brains, yummm good in my belly. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!
Matt Gomez <>
Riverside, CA USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 21:43:31 (PDT)
It was a dark and stormy night. The captain and I were standing on the deck as the mad fiends beat upon the door moaning "more brains". The creaking whine of the ship portented our doom as the bow was tossed to and fro in a maddening gyration of fear. The Captain turned to me and said: "tell me a story, my dear". And so I began: It was a dark and stormy night......
Bloodlust <>
USA - Monday, April 29, 2002 at 22:29:26 (PDT)
How are you gentlemen?All your brain are belong to us.
Manchester, Britain - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 00:05:48 (PDT)
We here at the Resistance find it quite useful. You wouldn't believe the trouble we had with this pink fluffy zombie who beat the hell out of us and stole our stuff, including the mighty FrostBlade. If we could have had the Zombie Alert system BEFORE all this trouble started, we'd be sitting pretty. As it is, he really did a number on us. Help!
Salome Eriksson
Moose Jaw, SK Canada - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 01:20:56 (PDT)
If zombies are stoned do they eat more brains?
anon <>
NY, NY USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 01:32:34 (PDT)
Up in Canada, our climate is mostly too cold for most common household pests (cockroaches, Gamera, and most ravers). I myself have never seen or heard of zombies here in Canada. Should I even bother to invest in Zombie protection?
Paul E. Lindgren <>
Red Deer, AB Canada - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 02:19:01 (PDT)
Fools. The strength of my shambling minions lies in their vast numbers, their dogged persistance, and a carefully cultivated addiction to cerebro-spinal fluid. This pathetic 'alert' device can only delay the inevitable... my genius will conquor the... no.. this cannot happen... no! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *hnnnnnnnnngggghhhhh*....
Melichor Boudun-Grizz, Lord of Evil
USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 06:10:51 (PDT)
Thanks, Onko! Zombie alert saved my life and the lives of my family. Living next to that graveyard was a bad idea, that's why Onko's Zombie Alert was perfect. As soon as thoze zombies started lurching down the block, ol' Zombie Alert tipped me off to their presence. I have had a few problems with the alarm, though. Hold on a second, there's somethdzfbz;npoI:'¯  xbh ./
Jack Tremble <>
Lafayette, IN USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 06:39:26 (PDT)
ZombieAlert might have saved the lives of my comrades in arms during an incident at a mansion three years ago. Since then, my town became ground zero for a nuclear attack. Nevertheless, Claire and I stand by ZombieAlert. Umbrella will never get the upper hand again! Thank you, Onko!
Chris Redfield <>
Raccoon City, KS USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 06:44:14 (PDT)
Zombies. Everyone has a problem with them, but no one wants to talk about it. The first step in dealing with the problem, obviously, is to make people aware that a problem exists. That's why I believe in Zombie Alert's mission and products. This company and the fine people working for it are laboring day and long, dark night to open our eyes, and the eyes of our nation, to the Zombie issue facing us today.Thank you, Zombie Alert. You make a difference.
ZombieFaceKillah <>
Here, CA USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 06:55:20 (PDT)
Is there an expanded animal-zombie alert system? I recently purchased several fine Onko products, and to test them I re-animated my squished cat using an Ancient Indian Graveyard(tm). Unfortunately, no alarm sounded. Help me, Onko Zombie Alert, you're my only hope!
Louis Creed <>
Bangor, ME USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 07:07:04 (PDT)
...ssssssend more cops!
USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 07:55:01 (PDT)
I can't believe I wasted my time on this stupid site. How fucking retarded.
Jim <>
Peoria, IL USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 11:06:20 (PDT)
The ZombeesWith sincere apologies to any members of the Monkees who are still alive (and willing to admit they are members of the Monkees).Here we comeShufflin' down the streetTo us all people are 'brain food';Yeah, ev'ry one is meat!Hey hey, we're the Zombees!Most people hate to have us aroundBut they will need a shotgunTo bring any of us down.Some radiation or space spores,Or crazy bad voodooHas made the sleep of death restless,So now we're after you!Hey hey, we're the Zombees!Most people hate to have us aroundBut they will need a shotgunTo brains any of us down.We're just awfully hungry,Driven by an aching pain,Our macabre motivation:The need for fresh human brain!In your skull, beneath your hair,Just on top of your shoulders,Guess what is hiding there!Hey brains, we're the Zombees!Most people hate to have us around!Brains they will need a shotgunTo brains any of us down.(break)Brains brains, we're the Zombees!Most people brains to have us a-brains!Brains they will brains a shotgunTo brains any of us brains.We're just awfully hungry,Driven by an aching pain,Our macabre motivation:The need for fresh human brain!Brains brains, we're the Zombees!Brains brains, brains the Zombrains!Brains brains, brains brains Brains-brains![repeat and fade]
Gearboy <>
Canada - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 11:11:30 (PDT)
The Zombees

With sincere apologies to any members of the Monkees who are still alive (and willing to admit they are members of the Monkees).

Here we come
Shufflin' down the street
To us all people are 'brain food';
Yeah, ev'ry one is meat!
Hey hey, we're the Zombees!
Most people hate to have us around
But they will need a shotgun
To bring any of us down.

Some radiation or space spores,
Or crazy bad voodoo
Has made the sleep of death restless,
So now we're after you!
Hey hey, we're the Zombees!
Most people hate to have us around
But they will need a shotgun
To brains any of us down.

We're just awfully hungry,
Driven by an aching pain,
Our macabre motivation:
The need for fresh human brain!

In your skull, beneath your hair,
Just on top of your shoulders,
Guess what is hiding there!

Hey brains, we're the Zombees!
Most people hate to have us around!
Brains they will need a shotgun
To brains any of us down.


Brains brains, we're the Zombees!
Most people brains to have us a-brains!
Brains they will brains a shotgun
To brains any of us brains.

We're just awfully hungry,
Driven by an aching pain,
Our macabre motivation:
The need for fresh human brain!

Brains brains, we're the Zombees!
Brains brains, brains the Zombrains!
Brains brains, brains brains Brains-brains!
[repeat and fade]

Gearboy <>
Canada - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 11:12:50 (PDT)
ah dun seen one o dem dere brain suckin criters up on roof of arlenes grill and fry an ah tuk of inside faster dan a sherif morly afta one o dem varmins who goes messin wif his lady like and i go saves arlene from the criter see and i puts her in mah pickup and goes gets bubba see, bubba got himself a branded new huntin gun see an he shot clean thru one o dem concereet bowling bawls out front and got ol' miss patterson right upset cos tha bullet carry on going and done kill her dog see, sheeit, anywayz we gets bubba's new gun an we goes back to arlenes bu' tha criter ha gon scarpered, sos we follerd the scrap marks round the back and thru the ally 'hind onto the ol' graveyard and we see's the godamn critter climmin into a body box see, so i grabbed bubbas gun and doen fulled it wid holes but it damn comed out and start trying to bleed al over us so arlene hits it a few times with her fryin pan an i tells ya i been hit wiv at a few time and deeeeam tha hurt lik da bejeebus but that criter he keep on comin. so bubba had an idea seeing criter cant walkin to good and wez make him fall in the hole for misses pattersons dog, so i blasts it wiv anoder clip outta bubbas gun and got its arms right off see so it cants go an climb out, nex thin ah no arlene is pourin tha special gas over it, we foun it inna big metal thing we foun in the swamp, it had NASA rit on it and i saw it commin outta the sky see so i thinkin its those godamn alien criters agen, enywhos, we pors it alloer tha criter and wez throw a road flare in that hole and i swaer see i aint never seen a bang abig as at since the old dynamit facory got blooed good and took out the south end o town, and hooooooeyyy! we were picken bits of dead body out of the walls a week later! we even foun poor ol anna-may up a tree over an tha swamp, poor girl, she was dun killed when she falled oer a log in her pappys workhouse ana lande ona table saw. real sad. she was only 12, practly virgin an all, she'd only bin wif 3 fella's, an i know, i were one of em. enywas, i reckon next time wes bein ready for em. i got me a huntin gun lik bubba's but the bullets goan bloed up when dey hits thins see. ayep, gotsa goan fed up ol bess she a moin an a howlin like nouns busnes, seaya ya'll.
Zeke Slackjaw <Zeke@outhouse.swamp>
USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 11:27:43 (PDT)
I've got the protection system and I love it...but I need more explosives to stop them, you people don't happen to sell explosives or quad damage artifacts do you?
Quake Ranger <>
USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 13:28:40 (PDT)
Disco Maker <>
St. Petersburg, FL USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 15:03:56 (PDT)
In my personal experience, a good chainsaw and a cobalt-blue steel shotgun are more than adequate defense against zombie infiltration. However, should one lack the means to acquire these devices, ZOMBIE ALERT provides more than enough time to pack your belongings and run, considering the fact that most zombies are very, very slow.Come get some.
Name's Ash. Housewares.
- Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 17:39:58 (PDT)
If everyone in my home town would have had one of these it wouldn't have been nuked off the face of the planet.
Rebecca Chambers <>
Raccoon City, CA USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 20:22:47 (PDT)
Zombies are people, just like us.They are my fans and I love all of my fans, especially the young little zombie boys. Spread the love!Ow!
Michael Jackson <>
Never Never Land Ranch, CA USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 20:27:41 (PDT)
Damn, there was this zombie and the bugger bit me!! so what did I do? I bit the mofo right back. Ya should've seen the look on his face!
Canada - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 21:16:53 (PDT)
Your product rocks. Just don't send it to my site. Morty would be very angry."And out of the darkness the Zombie did call, through pain and suffering he brought to them all. Away were children to hide in their beds, for fear that the Devil would chop off their heads!" - Call of the ZOMBIE
Rei Tsuaki <>
Manhattan Beach, CA USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 23:18:58 (PDT)
This is a cool product.
Doug Shulby <>
Manhattan Beach, CA USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 23:36:20 (PDT)
this is cool
Doug Shulby <>
Manhattan Beach, CA USA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 23:36:50 (PDT)
I see Zombies all around me. In politics (Jesse Helms) and on TV (Larry King). They are so brain dead that they don't appreciate the fact that they've outlived their usefullness.They're the undead of the undead and I'm tired of them breathing my air and consuming my natural resources. Yet, if I were to chop them with an axe....the liberal media would paint me as the one who is wrong. We need to decriminalize assisted homicide.
Alois Krulick <>
Cary, NC USA - Wednesday, May 01, 2002 at 04:51:22 (PDT)
Well if this product was here ten years ago allot of lives could have been saved. Excuse me my ZA is going off I got work to do..........
Riz Zombie Killer
USA - Wednesday, May 01, 2002 at 05:30:06 (PDT)
I have been hunting Zombies for years and I just recently purchased the Mobile detector and attached it to my LAV III Battle Tank (which is a must for the Zombie hunting professional), My Zombie elimination Rate has incresed 20 fold. Thank you Onko you have saved my business.
Valin The Zombie Hunter <>
Truro, NS Canada - Wednesday, May 01, 2002 at 06:31:28 (PDT)
where's my hamburger?
gerald <>
mephis , tn USA - Wednesday, May 01, 2002 at 06:57:14 (PDT)
So, me an a couple of my frinds were in a graveyard drinking some beer. We got quit drunk and I guess we did piss on a couple of graves. Well, we woke up some dead guys and they've been going around trying to kill us. They've got Mick and Steve and I think they're gonna be coming after me soon. So, logn story short, are these technicaly zombies? And will your zombie alert system help me detect them? Thanks a bunch.
Billy <>
NJ USA - Wednesday, May 01, 2002 at 10:06:03 (PDT)
Okay... Here's what concerns me about the letters you're getting. No one has yet mentioned the need to get zombies from *long range*. Using pistols, chainsaws and swords is a really flashy way to dispatch zombies... it's also a great way to get bitten, and subsequently "turned," because we all know that zombies shuffle in whopping great packs. If they're close enough for sidearms, you are in serious trouble. I recommend the Onko Industrial Unit, as it gives you the most opportunity to get your 2A Riflemen in position to deal with the shufflers from longer distances (with a GOOD weapon, such as an M1A or FAL in .308 caliber... M16 and AK guys will have to catch the stragglers.) Rapid, sustained and ACCURATE fire is your only chance against the undead, folks. Thanks, Onko, for giving the Rifleman another tool in the fight against the shuffling hordes! With your help, the Mantown Zombie Hunters will keep central Texas free of Zombies. Loquor Tu Quid! Oh, one more thing...... beware Mount Evil.
J. Dock <>
Austin, TX USA - Wednesday, May 01, 2002 at 16:28:27 (PDT)
What, What the- Shine my Ass! Those Zombies are doin a rammer on my skater!!Listen up baby, I got a buncha Kracka Ass, White Zombie- Honkey Mutha Fucka's jackin up my fresh ride, and if I don't waste their white asses they're gonna come in here and house us!! You dig bitch
Reverend Fin
USA - Wednesday, May 01, 2002 at 20:30:35 (PDT)
Brains.......Send more paramedics....cac cwcwcwrgfqo w-c ewcmc
Bobby Cadaver <>
USA - Thursday, May 02, 2002 at 07:01:12 (PDT)
Is there anyway to magickly cause zombies to be your slaves? That could be useful.
USA - Friday, May 03, 2002 at 14:17:18 (PDT)
i don't care if they are zombies i will not kill those fine lookin lezbos
USA - Saturday, May 04, 2002 at 16:11:44 (PDT)
Love the site and your product.Zombie alert is the perfect holiday gift!So are skeletons from Galavant.com
USA - Saturday, May 04, 2002 at 19:41:52 (PDT)
I don't know what's so bad about Zombies!!O.K. they see us as thier main food group but when you have a bad case of the munchies, anything is tasty. And as for the grusum looks you try smoking for a solid week and see if you don't look that bad. So the next time there's a bunch of Zombies at the door invite them in and hand them the BONG.
sTu <>
Den Haag, NL - Sunday, May 05, 2002 at 23:59:04 (PDT)
Guys ... can I order "Zombie Alert" via Internet ?What credit cards you accept ?See, I am mailing this from basement and I don't knwo how long I will keep here because dead already approaching ...
Panic !
HR - Monday, May 06, 2002 at 03:46:18 (PDT)
OH NO! The Zombies are invading my home! I should've gotten a Zombie Alert!!
Insane Psycho Driver
USA - Monday, May 06, 2002 at 19:56:07 (PDT)
MY ANUS IS BLEEDING. HELP....ZOMBIE RECTUM FROM HELL!!! POOOPP HAAHHAAHaH A I SAiD pOoP. HeY AlLL yoU FUcKERz WhO ThinK THiS SiTe Is LaME...So whaT iF we R sEriOUs. I uSuAlly LeaVe InTellIgeNt pOsTs In OThEr forUms bUt I LIke ExPREssINg MYsELF OK!!??!!!?!?!? SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST NEED SOME ZoMbIeZ r0X0r.I like to pee
The Ass Reaper <>
Boston, AK USA - Wednesday, May 08, 2002 at 22:49:58 (PDT)
I was fooled by a cheap imitation "alert" unit. How can I know for sure that this will work?
USA - Friday, May 10, 2002 at 05:39:17 (PDT)
It's about time someone come up with a product line like this! Too many healthy brains have been eaten simply because their owners were not aware in time of a Zombie approaching! An ABSOLUTE MUST for any person with an olfactory deficiency!!
Rose Mori <>
Pittsburgh, PA USA - Monday, May 13, 2002 at 08:37:22 (PDT)
Ahem. I believe humans and zombies CAN live in harmony with each other. (Hahahaha, fools.. little do they know we'll eat their.bra..... am I still typing??) I am not a zombie, and never have been. That is all.
Z. Ombie <>
USA - Tuesday, May 14, 2002 at 07:10:56 (PDT)
I am confused! There are too many big words on this site! Can someone please explain this to me!!
G.W. BUSH <>
tx USA - Tuesday, May 14, 2002 at 13:51:47 (PDT)
how do I purchase these things? I would like a few, but can't find where to purchase, I need a # or something like that.
David Matthewson <>
California, CA USA - Thursday, May 16, 2002 at 23:40:37 (PDT)
I really don't believe in zombies. However, I do feel good about the people here at Onko. My neighbor owns one of those Devices and should it ever sound off. I know I'll have time to prepare. THANKS Onko!!!
Wes A. Brown <>
Paducah, KY United States - Saturday, May 25, 2002 at 20:18:35 (PDT)
To extensive research, and why zombies thrive in the wild in the USA, and only survive in captivity over here in the UK, is the average american's brain, has the consistancy of Spam. We have proven that their brains have the same water, meat, gristle, salt, seasonings, entrails ratio as a can of spam - the Zombie's food. To prove this, we did a series of spam transplants, with 100% success rate. With these findings, many hospitals around the USA have an instant cure for brain damage and other nasty effects. The plus side to this, is many father/son groups now have a new activity - zombie hunting, where they can catch, breed and release zombies into the wild for the good of nature.A deal has been struck with Onko Ltd, where the Zombie Alert Mk 6 will have the added feature of 'silent mode' and will have a large metal frame, with several hundred thousand volts and a slither of spam inside - so while you sleep, or if you have nothing better to watch - you'll be safe in knowing the only nusence they are now, is to sweep up in the morning.Trials for Spamlite transplants with the French are being conducted - currently with limited success - French brains have a larger water ratio.
Dr. Spamlite <>
London, UK - Tuesday, May 28, 2002 at 17:06:58 (PDT)
i neither value or use my brain do you know of a free clinic in which i can donate my brain to the zombies so they wont attack the few ppl that actually use their brains?thanks
heywood jablowme <>
raleigh, nc USA - Tuesday, June 04, 2002 at 12:44:26 (PDT)
Itchy. Tasty.
Zombie from Resident Evil
Racoon City, MI USA - Friday, June 07, 2002 at 13:52:40 (PDT)
I apologize profusely for being the bearer of such sad tidings, but I must tell you that your product DOES NOT WORK IN CANADA! I am feasting mightily as a result. Canadian brains are most succulent. Kindly refrain from devising a version of the product that can be used in other countries.
B. Zahm
Canada - Monday, June 10, 2002 at 20:29:25 (PDT)
Zombie Killer...? Que-est ce que c'est?
David Burn-Zombie-Burn!
Hollywood , CA USA - Monday, June 10, 2002 at 20:32:56 (PDT)
Dear Sir or Madam (or non gender specific creature of the night) I have been appalled by the total lack of feeling shown on your website towards zombies. Granted they are flesh eating mutants, but do they deserve to be shot in the head for that. For is it not written "Johnny, what have I told you about gnawing on your fathers head?" So brothers and sisters, let us not lend a vicious eye on these poor unfortunate souls. Instead, let us embrace them and should they attempt to bite, just nut them and laugh it off. Did not the prophets say onto James, "Yea, there shall come a time when each banana shall taste of orange and the heavens shall bring forth monkeys and the meek shall throw off their shackles and the first against the wall will be those bloody bank managers. Here endith the lesson.
Bob Freemason
Zombietown, USA - Thursday, June 27, 2002 at 04:17:06 (PDT)
you guys should actually sell your product. i'd buy it. sorry about using all lower case letters. however, i am not a zombie.
Nick Salvatore <>
Woodbridge, NJ USA - Thursday, June 27, 2002 at 20:44:55 (PDT)
Zombies Ain't Real!!! My Town Err... State has no Zombies(as far as i know)
leave me alone
USA - Sunday, June 30, 2002 at 21:27:08 (PDT)
We got a lot of female Zombies where I live. They walk the streets 24/7 looking for the Man.
The Wizard <>
New Orleans., La. USA - Tuesday, July 02, 2002 at 08:12:43 (PDT)
ive been up for days because im a zombie ive takin so much acid and tweaked the fuk out im a mutha fukin zombie...dont smoke crack zombies
Fukin Zombified <fucku>
tweakin, or USA - Saturday, July 06, 2002 at 00:13:13 (PDT)
Thank god for the ZombieAlert. I purchased 42 units after trying the US government's interactive training simulator for surviving a zombie attack, "Resident Evil". When the zombies finally did arrive, including my poor old Uncle Chester, we were more than prepared. While they did somehow eat the brains of my little sister, Meghan, I, my parents, and my way-cool grandma survived. We were also able to call most of our relatives before the zombies reaches their houses, but not our cousins the DiMarcos, who sent us bubble gum for Christmas last year.The only reason I am alive today is because of my Remington pump-action, my grandma' WW2 vintage flamethrower, and my 2 sets of Ginsu knives, and of course ZombieAlert. Thank you, thank you, thank you!The only problem is now that the zombie threat is eliminated, we sealed the doors so well to keep the zombies out now WE'RE stuck inside, and we're running low on food. We might have to call 911 just to get us OUT.
Thomas Morrisey <>
Blasdell, NY USA - Wednesday, July 10, 2002 at 23:25:08 (PDT)
After the horrifying ordeal I went through in Raccoon City, I purchases several ZombieAlert units for my secret anti-Umbrella base of operations. Although I haven't been attacked by zombies since, I feel safe knowing I will never be snuck up on by zombies again. Only problem is, since the US government had to nuke Raccoon City to stop the spread of zombies, I never got paid by the Police Department. And my car was parked in there, too.
Leon S. Kennedy <>
Raccoon City, NE USA - Wednesday, July 10, 2002 at 23:27:14 (PDT)
ZombieAlert has helped me survive the last few days here in Raccoon. I'm very mad at that "Claire Redfield" character, though, because she left me for dead after some zombies crashed through the large, uncovered, plate glass window of my store. Anyway, I did manage to escape the city, and I hope to open a new gun shop. Trust me, one of the first items I will stock when I manage to find a new shop will be the incredible line of ZombieAlert products.
Robert Kendo <>
Raccoon City, NE USA - Wednesday, July 10, 2002 at 23:29:59 (PDT)
Your evil product has helped my nemesis Chris Redfield survive. I'll be coming for you, soon. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Albert Wesker <>
Raccoon City, NE USA - Wednesday, July 10, 2002 at 23:30:58 (PDT)
Thank you for supplying us with such a fine zombie detection method... but poor Ronnie keeps setting the ZombieAlert off.
Nancy Reagan <>
CA USA - Wednesday, July 10, 2002 at 23:32:14 (PDT)
Grrrr! I didn't realize the ZombieAlert needed batteries to operate! And now I and the other 8 employees of Raccoon City Furniture (Where Raccoon Shops for Quality Furnishings) are slowly but surely turning into zombies. I'll see you in court... if I can find a T-Virus antidote within the next hour or so.
Zombie Bob <>
Raccoon City, NE USA - Wednesday, July 10, 2002 at 23:34:19 (PDT)
Phew, ZombieAlert will help keep me safe. They've been hunting me down ever since my script for the Resident Evil movie wasn't accepted. They feel they must "punish" me for allowing the moviemakers to turn their film into a vehicle for Milla Jovich.
George Romero <>
- Wednesday, July 10, 2002 at 23:35:45 (PDT)
Thanks to ZombieAlert, hell is now full of decommisioned zombies. I feel that you are at least partially responsible. They're raising a ruckuss, and they don't even have any SOULS for me to chew on! Give me a break here.
Satan <>
Lucifer City, Central District Hell - Wednesday, July 10, 2002 at 23:37:36 (PDT)
one night i heard a strange sound because i live next to the graveyard and then i go outside with my dog and i heard something behind me and i looked and it was a man in dirty clothes then i realised it was a zombie i run away and my dog was caught bij the zombie and later that night i was going with my parents outside to look for the dog and we had found him in pieces i now have a zombie alert and i hope that i never have go trough this again....
$h!bBy <>
delft, nl USA - Thursday, July 11, 2002 at 11:12:31 (PDT)
OH MAN!! I just made another great discovery which may save mankind (the greatest discovery is this fantastic zombie detector device)!!! Did you know it works on REMOTE??? No, well, now you do!!! I came across this great discovery when I was watching the news. When I did, the alarm suddenly went off!!! Off course it scared the hell out of me and after I changed my pants (I wet myself...DON'T you dare LAUGH!!! I would like to see you being confronted with such an alarm..), I searched the entire house, but came up with nothing, I was all home-alone (well, I was after I slaughtered my parents out of suspicion). The alarm had stopped by now, so I played back the tape that contained the just recently saved news broadcast (I always tape the news, handy for cases such as these). The alarm went of AGAIN!!! I wqent looking for zombies, but still nothing. I reran the tape again and there the alarm went again!!! Now I knew it had to be something on the tape. On close examination, I noticed that the alarm only went off when the president of the USA, George W. Bush (jr), was appearing. It al made sense to me then: now I knew why he couldn't speak properly, seemed so slow and comatized!!! HE WAS A ZOMBIE!!! It also immediately explained the incident wherein he was supposedly sufficating in a "pretzel": he was actually eating of a brain, which actually looks very similar to a pretzel, so the mistake on the reporters side is profound. Nonetheless, it does show that they are AMONG US!!! Don't let them fool you: buy this fantastic zombie alerter and you will even be able to tell from a TV screen who might be a zombie ("remember that the remote detection is only 99,99% accurate, so refunds do not apply to remotely used zombie detectors provided by Onko"). ISN'T THIS A GREAT DISCOVERY???
NL - Thursday, July 11, 2002 at 11:43:24 (PDT)
Heer Heer Brains Brains umm u uragh uragh
Bob the stoned Zombie <>
Racoon City, - Wouldn't you like to know - Thursday, July 11, 2002 at 12:36:52 (PDT)
The Only way to kill these things is to shoot em in the head... The head I tell you!:D
SickDamien <>
- Thursday, July 11, 2002 at 16:25:55 (PDT)
?? <??>
?????, ?? ???? - Friday, July 19, 2002 at 01:51:53 (PDT)
I was just wondering if I could get a refund for my "Zombie Alert". I have recently become one of the walking dead and the constant bleeping is going to put me in an early grave.
Recently Departed <>
Elkhart, IN USA - Thursday, August 08, 2002 at 10:50:42 (PDT)
I put ze URL in ze right way zis time...yez I do zat, no.
Me Again <>
Elkhart, IN USA - Thursday, August 08, 2002 at 11:08:27 (PDT)
Esta alarma también protege contra las Ketchup, Georgi Dan y los de Operación Truño? si es así me llevo 5, gracias.
Un bicho que pica <>
Zagalera, malo Chorrilandia - Saturday, August 10, 2002 at 06:49:52 (PDT)
i'm from belguim en ai em a mercanerie eef you need me my adres is oude baan 633060 bertembelgium
kenneth <>
bertem, belgium - Friday, August 30, 2002 at 13:33:42 (PDT)
Nobody likes you when you're dead.It just ain't right. Just cause i'm biting on your head,there's no need to be impolite!And if i still had eyes,then i would surely cry.Cause nobody likes you when you're dead.That's the story of my life.
Rejected, Z.A. (Zombies Anonymous)
USA - Monday, September 02, 2002 at 05:03:31 (PDT)
Onko baaaad!!
Zahm B. Brayneeter
USA - Wednesday, September 04, 2002 at 05:37:46 (PDT)
So if its that high tech and well made why the hell does it go off every time I put the dam battery in? Last time I jumped so much my ear fell off!
Mustals <>
Bolton, UK - Monday, September 09, 2002 at 22:19:15 (PDT)
Send more cops!
USA - Thursday, September 12, 2002 at 13:15:55 (PDT)
cool site
JoHnY <a@b>
USA - Thursday, September 26, 2002 at 06:40:36 (PDT)
So like, I figure, even though at a Zombie pace a Zombie can overtake you because you are tripping all over yourself. It's really not the point to outrun the Zombie, it's just to outrun whomever is with you. In fact it would behoove your greatly to just kick their knee out and let the Zombie get them while you try in vain to start the 'unstartable car', at least it would give you enough time to check the fluids before you sped off into the next Zombie infested town. I just had a question. Do Zombies prefer the brains of intellectuals and would it be a benefit to be stupid when Zombies are considering their meals? MEOW
Archbishop Dash Landers <>
Yeah, WA USA - Thursday, October 10, 2002 at 16:09:52 (PDT)
good times. good times.
Los Angeles, CA USA - Friday, October 11, 2002 at 15:09:16 (PDT)
USA - Tuesday, October 15, 2002 at 15:51:27 (PDT)
I thought I was surrounded by zombies at work the other day, until I realised that it was just my colleagues. If I had purchased your product, this foolish mistake would never have occured
Detective inspector Smith.
USA - Friday, October 18, 2002 at 08:22:22 (PDT)
What with all the Zombie trouble we are experiencing of late, are there complete home survival packs available?With say, sandwiches, some change for a phone call. Fishing hooks, a compass and maybe some dried biscuits.My wife asks if there are ways to tell if the children have become zombies, and if so, do they hurt ?
England - Friday, October 18, 2002 at 08:27:23 (PDT)
New Maze Website
Hoopiejohn <>
Morristown, TN USA - Tuesday, October 22, 2002 at 03:26:09 (PDT)
When young an old grave yard was only a few blocks away and was a source of alarm. I strongly felt there were mummies there but analyzed the fact that the mummy would be more likely to break into a closer house to the cemetary than mine. However I did not count on the zombie population. If only I had your product and if only you had a comparable product for mummies and vampires and werewolves, I may have rested easier and would have been a good customer. Its tooooo lateeeee noooowww bruhhahahahha
USA - Friday, October 25, 2002 at 13:51:45 (PDT)
Me....wantsss Brainnssssss
USA - Sunday, October 27, 2002 at 10:18:33 (PST)
USA - Tuesday, October 29, 2002 at 02:58:20 (PST)
dead, lost your looks, and displaced? i'd be pissed off too. see things from their side. gurgle... shuffle... slurp.
gurgle slurp <>
new york, ny USA - Friday, November 01, 2002 at 05:45:59 (PST)
Yeah, umm, is there a Zombie Alert for sharks? I remember in the movie Zombie a poor, unsuspecting shark was attacked by a brain thirsty zombie. It seems your products only caters to humans. This is unfair! This is an outrage! If you do not provide protection for the shark community, who will?
A Shark
USA - Friday, November 01, 2002 at 12:19:21 (PST)
As a member of the Society for the Preservation of Zombies, I find your page abusive and inflamatory. Not only does it encourage violence agaist the undead, but it is also targeting their freedom to move unrestricted.There is nothing wrong with being a zombie, this should be clear to everybody. Just because you eat brains for breakfast instead of corn flakes should not make you a target for shotgun toting, chainsaw wielding maniacs who are only out to prove their manliness. Why not trying to be a productive member of society instead, ah? Guess its easier to pick on those who are different instead.I have met many zombies and I can tell you that 99% are nice individuals. They try to make a living and pay their taxes just like the living guy next door. They eat the brains of naturally deceased people or people that died in accidents. Some zombies have even learned to eat the brains of animals. I personaly have never met a zombie that killed for brains. Just take a look at the growing brain industry. Who do you think buys their products?You people should be ashamed. There is much we can learn from zombies and their way of life, if only we were willing to learn. There is no reason why people and zombies can't live in peace and harmony.
Robert Welleeckane <>
Sweden - Monday, November 04, 2002 at 12:20:27 (PST)
Hey, personally, when a zombie comes to my door, I greet him with buckshot. I dont really trust these alarms. I mean, a guy broke into my house the other day and stole my copy of 'Capricorn 1', and the alarm never went off. I highly doubt that this alert really works.As fo rthe pro-zombie people, zombies serve absolutely no purpose in modern society. When was the last time you read some brilliant zombie literature, or took the family out to a zombie restaraunt? Never, zombie feed on the rest of society and they're protected by you red diaper doper baby lawyers who are afraid that one day you may become a zombie ans instead of taking a bullet like you should, you'll have some overzealous progeny waiting to take care of you, too, whilst a horde of flesh eaters raids the old folks' home.Monster, all of you lawyers, MONSTERS!
teh Budiak
Sacramento, CA USA - Monday, November 04, 2002 at 18:34:23 (PST)
Sebastian Gooch <>
Squaresvill, UP TimeLemonade - Thursday, November 14, 2002 at 09:06:43 (PST)
As a zombie, I'm quite offended by your product. I'm writing a letter to my government representatives.Dead
Dead Kev <>
USA - Sunday, November 17, 2002 at 00:39:47 (PST)
Benes Jan <>
Mlada Boleslav, Czech Rep. - Thursday, November 21, 2002 at 01:08:42 (PST)
USA - Saturday, November 23, 2002 at 16:44:34 (PST)
What the hell???? This site really sucks bigtime !!!
Séba <seba@zombination.muha>
Transilvania, EU - Tuesday, December 03, 2002 at 09:43:46 (PST)
After some careful brain scratching, I have come to the conclusion that I don't have the need for a turtle catching device although it would come in handy for scraping the zombies off the toilet bowl rim!........Help me!
nignutter <>
Edinburgh, Scotland - Saturday, December 07, 2002 at 04:35:33 (PST)
I've been developin some very excitin Anit-Zombie Devices. I have flame thrower watch that launches fire 30+ feet with unbeleivable accuracy. I also have a 4 barrel sawed off shotgun, guarenteed to kill anything, even a zombie
Dan "the Zombie Man" Jonez <I aint Got none>
Mianus, TN USA - Tuesday, December 10, 2002 at 07:42:54 (PST)
i love ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am writing a story that will make romero proud! any one interested in talking email me at
raven the dark slave <>
morris, illinois USA - Monday, January 06, 2003 at 18:38:30 (PST)
For long as I can remember, I have feared the slowly moving wrath of the Undead. Due to this my free time is always limited to indoor activities, away from open windows, with a sawed off shotgun in hand. Even the normal dynamics of physical love is ruined due to constant craning of the neck to ensure no zombies are peeking through the windows, and the speculations of whether or not my mate, may be, or is in the process of becoming, one of the walking undead. Now, with the new Orko zombie alert, I am a changed man.Any and all zombie occurances are promptly dealt with, which has freed up much of my time and allowed me to persue my love of pornography unfettered by irrational fears of attack.Thank you, Orko!
Archie P. Davis <>
jacksonville, fl USA - Thursday, January 09, 2003 at 13:28:13 (PST)
In every stinking city, every stinking day the threat is REAL. These Zombies long for my precious sweetmeats and I am determined to deny them, for as long as I can.Thank You Zombie Alert for giving my irrational fears real focus.JL
Jefferson Livingston III <>
Minneapolis, MN USA - Tuesday, January 14, 2003 at 01:30:04 (PST)
THANK GOD for the Zombie Alert products... I've lived with a crippling fear of zombies for so long, it was becoming almost unbearable!!! I wish I could say I was making this up, but ask any of my friends, and they will tell you. Not only did I rent an apartment on the 3rd floor of a building to ensure that no zombies would be able to break through, I also keep on hand a supply of strong wood planks to secure my door if the need should ever arise. Thanks to the Zombie Alert products, I am now able to enjoy life without worrying obsessively that the living dead were about to attack at any moment! Trips to the graveyard in the middle of the night are no longer cause for alarm: I can defile graves and tred merrily on radioactive Indian Burial Grounds with no fear! THANK YOU THANK YOU, Zombie Alert! You've saved me from a Living Death!
Megs <>
USA - Thursday, January 23, 2003 at 14:31:15 (PST)
my friend has a zombie infestation - - i have recommended fitting one of your devices to prevent future attacks, but what can she do about her current problem? i hope they haven't eaten her brains yet. icky.
Kris <>
derby, UK - Friday, January 24, 2003 at 12:54:03 (PST)
You people act like this is all one big joke. The joke's on you when the dead are muching on your still beating hearts. I think we should take any biological experimentations a little more seriously and ignore the stupid B-movies
Jason <>
USA - Sunday, January 26, 2003 at 20:40:15 (PST)
Sebastian Gooch <>
state, of mind bears - Thursday, February 06, 2003 at 10:59:13 (PST)
The Letter from Heaven Of Rabbi Nachman of Breslov, his Holy memory is blessed, sent to his precious pupil, Rabbi Israel Ber Odesser, may his merit protect us, in 1922 to the Yeshiva of Rabbi Me’ir Baal HaNess located in Tiberias, Israel. History of the reception of the LETTER FROM RABBI NACHMAN OF BRESLOV It was very hard for me to go down towards you, my precious pupil, to tell you that I benefited greatly from your work, and upon you I said: my fire will burn until the arrival of the Messiah, be strong and reinforces you in your work NA NACH NACHMA NACHMAN ME’UMAN. And by that I would reveal to you a mystery, and it is: full and gushing from line to line (Pay, Tzaddi, Pay, Tzaddi, Yud, Hay)And while working hard you will understand it and the sign is: The 17th Tammuz they will say that you are not fasting. The Universal Song of Worldwide Redemption is:NA NACH NACHMA NACHMAN ME’UMAN Sing and say it with all the melodies you love is a remedy and a salvation, for all kinds of problems and situations! (So said the Royal Rabbi, the Messianic light of the “Breslov” group, Rabbi Israel Ber Odesser, may his merit protect us.) Rabbi Israel also said: “The Messiah is already here, his name is Nachman Israel Odesser, it is possible to announce it in the buses…”“I am the King, everybody must know it…”“The whole world, and all the government, doesn’t know which I am! I am NA NACH NACHMA NACHMAN ME’UMAN !” It is written in the Bible about Rabbi Israel: “and he called his name the God of Israel”, because his name was transformed, from Israel to NA NACH NACHMA NACHMAN ME’UMAN, he is the Messiah soul, evoked in the Talmud. Our Rabbi, Rabbi Israel Ber Odesser, said to us “My Rabbi, Rabbi Nachman, Root of the Creation, deceased at forty years old. And I, I reached the one hundred and fourteen years” Make the addition (“Gematria”) of 40+114 and you will find 154, exact value of (“Moach Noon”), or Brain of the Creation, kabalistic and Messianic soul, which was perceived by no wise. “The holy Ari-zal (cabbalist of Zfat, 16th century) himself, didn’t know anything of [wisdom to which arrived] Rabbi Nachman” (words of Rabbi Israel) The Heart of the fiftieth spiritual gate, (“Lev Noon”), is evoked in the book of the Psalms, psalm 72, which speaks about the Messianic light, it speaks about the Petek, or Messianic letter received by Rabbi Israel, in Tiberias in 1922. It is written in this Psalm: “That a radiation spouts out on ground, and that at the top of the mountains its fruit makes tremble the World, like the Temple of Jerusalem.” The Temple is called in the Bible, Levanon. (Lev Noon) The forty years, evoked about Rabbi Nachman decease, is not a physical “death”, it is the light of Sinai, and the reception of the Torah, of which essence is our Rabbi, Rabbi Israel Ber Odesser, NA NACH NACHMA NACHMAN ME’UMAN. It is written in the Talmud, that a man understands his Master’s teachings, starting from the age of forty years . That is explained, in the introduction of the principal book of Rabbi Nachman: The “Tephila” (Supplication) have the power to change everything, and the essence of Rabbi Nachman’s teachings is Supplication, because it is the essence of the heart, and the authentic tradition. It is God’s daughter, and the Jewish people, and that is only worthy to be named authentic. Her been engaged is only Rabbi Nachman, only him, have the true capacity of curing his broken people. Rabbi Israel said and revealed several times, that he is a true man; he is the lung of the Creation, and its resurrection… but that the chassidic sect called “Chabad” […] is the absolute lie, and does not deserve the least attention. Because it can's only deteriorate our Lord’s daughter. All the Rabbis and the whole humanity, should submit themselves to the Messiah, the Rabbi NA NACH NACHMA NACHMAN ME’UMAN, throw their crowns and their reign, and achieve his desire, which is solely the true Peace. And that solely, will kill all our enemies, because the borders of the Jewish Empire will be unlimited, at the Messianic times, as it is written in the Bible: “From the Nile till the Euphrates”, and this is far from being a metaphor. It is revealed, in the kabalistic books, that the Biblical expression “From the Nile till the Euphrates” refers to the whole Universe, as it is written: “And a river gushes from the Eden, (The Eden refers to the “Sephira” or kabalistic light of “Chochmah” Or wisdom, root of creation and goal of any man in this world) from there it ramifies in four rivers.” These four rivers correspond to the four letters of the Tetragramme or unutterable name. The Breslov group, which is the Jewish people, currently in lethargy, will take soon the monopoly of the whole world. We must now fulfill the Messiah will, Rabbi NA NACH NACHMA NACHMAN ME’UMAN: 1) To study his books, and to achieve them.2) To distribute them in the whole world.3) To publish the true Messiah name, and the New Song: NA NACH NACHMA NACHMAN ME’UMAN.4) To bring Rabbi Nachman’s tomb, from Uman (Ukraine), to Jerusalem. Thereupon, a terrible earthquake will destroy all our enemies! NA NACH NACHMA NACHMAN ME’UMANIs evoked in the Internet Everybody should pronounce and sing with his favorite melodies:NA NACH NACHMA NACHMAN ME’UMAN Thus God will insufflate us the true life, and he will make known the true joy to all the Jewish people. Because his supreme desire is to show us the extreme sweetness, light, and melody, of the holy Israeli territory, and our whole life, we will embrace its rocks, and roll in its dust, and we will share without interruption the immense joy of living and walking in Israel. And soon, we will deserve to be the sole State and Empire, in Israel and in the whole world. And then, Rabbi Nachman’s desire will be accomplished, and all our enemies will be swallowed up forever to the abysses, very soon and nowadays, Amen.
Angel <>
Bagdad, Irak USA - Friday, February 07, 2003 at 05:41:11 (PST)
i think u rock i had a zombie attack and with the help of a few 44. slugs and your product
BJ Cummings <>
columbia, mo USA - Friday, February 21, 2003 at 19:17:40 (PST)
You penny pinchers! I know these precision inventions might be difficult to produce, but charging us $37 for the basic system?! Isn't the communities' safety more important than the accumulation of cold hard cash? Perhaps you should be paid by the government for mass distibution of your products. After all, if the government won't help us survive a zombie attack what ARE our taxes good for.Trying to scrounge up $37,Sam
Marietta, GA USA - Wednesday, March 05, 2003 at 17:15:35 (PST)
I think your foreign shipping is too poor!I ordered a zombie alert and now the zombies have eaten mybrain a long time ago and now I finaly got the ZA it starts screeming when im neer it!
Denmark - Thursday, March 06, 2003 at 05:26:40 (PST)
We in the Village,are true believers....and know the benefit of your productsall villagers have them in their huts....
Queen Lebina <>
Vancouver, Wa USA - Tuesday, March 18, 2003 at 17:35:31 (PST)
USA - Monday, March 24, 2003 at 22:42:59 (PST)
Wow! I was a fool for installing a cheap imitation brand of Zombie Alert. I figured they all rolled off the same assembly line in China. You should have seen my face when Granny walked in for diner the other night. She's been dead for 15 years. Granny took a bite out of Missy and Jimmy-Joe before I realized what happened. Now, thanks to Zombie Alert, I can blow their heads off from a safe distance. Thanks Zombie Alert! The moral of the story is, don't be fooled by imitation products. Rely only on the original Zombie Alert!!!
Clint Jackman
Walawala, WA USA - Tuesday, April 01, 2003 at 19:19:33 (PST)
Ha ha! I must say, that this little device certainly has made my zombie-hunting excursions MUCH more exciting! Huzzah for the Zombie Alert system from Onko!
Cornelius W. Bone, Esq. <>
USA - Saturday, April 05, 2003 at 21:12:25 (PST)
Hello. My name is adam... or it was untill a platoon of the walking dead ripped at my neck and began to feast on my brains. I WAS AN HONER STUDENT DAMN IT! Now all i can think of is death metal records and consuming others skull inerds. Don't let my story slip passed you. Buy your zombie alert today, or you may end up like me.
Adam <>
San Antonio, tx USA - Friday, April 18, 2003 at 01:15:40 (PDT)
Ummmm Zombie weak, Zombie Alert strong. Kaka strong Zombie Alert Kaka of zombie. Kaka tear zombie to peices.Kaka happy with Zombie Alert.
Kaka Kaine
USA - Friday, April 18, 2003 at 12:33:40 (PDT)
hi i saw a zombie near my house
bob <>
sfdioj, VA USA - Sunday, April 27, 2003 at 19:55:08 (PDT)
Thank you Thank you Thank you for such a wonderful product. I have a few back at My office and also would love a hand held if this is ever to come about, although My boss Tony isnt to thrilled when natalie comes to work and this is triggered off.Again, many thanks and be safe!
Karl Kolchak <>
Chicago, Ill USA - Wednesday, April 30, 2003 at 10:29:53 (PDT)
Awesome Site!Check out "ZOMBIE CAMPOUT" (2002), in the tradition of "Dawn of the Dead" and "Scary Movie"
Jeremy Schwab <>
Dallas, TX USA - Friday, May 16, 2003 at 15:12:51 (PDT)
i like to got it as soon as possiable
bador <>
jubial, 03 USA - Monday, May 19, 2003 at 03:36:19 (PDT)
Ok all of you are on crack. Get help now!! I feel real sorry for all of you.
Would'nt want you to know
MI USA - Thursday, May 29, 2003 at 18:10:32 (PDT)
Grrrrr. Mpppph Bob no like Onko. Now Bob works at McDonalds just to make ends meet. Maaaaaaaaaah hard being zombie now
Bob <>
USA - Wednesday, June 04, 2003 at 04:27:07 (PDT)
Great product! I was referred to you by AR15.COM
TX USA - Thursday, June 05, 2003 at 22:43:11 (PDT)
I am a so called "zombie" well let me tell you something, there is a lot more to being a zombie than eating brains, this i can assure you... i am not like other zombie, i try to carry on an intellectual conversation with any of my "victims" but i get nothing but absolute rubbish in return... for example, i have to deal with morons like one chap i saw on here who called himself "killer" mindless imbeciles like him are one of the many reasons i kill you "living" and feast upon your brains, although on people like "killer" i usually don't feast upon much... you people have us zombies all wrong, Hollywood has turned us into absolutely nothing but rambling fools who moan loudly and act like barbarians... i rather enjoy your site, it give us intellegent zombies a leg up on the competition...Sincerely,Mr. Jonathan T. Higginson IIIPresident and CEO of I.Z.C.AIntellectual Zombie Committee of America
Mr. Jonathan T. Higginson III <none of your bloody business>
Grave Yard, PA USA - Thursday, June 12, 2003 at 00:30:39 (PDT)
Yeah, really funny! Just wait until I get in office, I am going to bann this zombie detection tecnology.
Bob Dole <Kppirnicus@aol,com>
Oceanside, CA USA - Friday, June 13, 2003 at 01:20:54 (PDT)
I wonder how many of you morons are actually serious. This is some of the stupidest shit i've ever seen. All you "real" zobies can head this way, i've got a huge tasty brain and there are plenty more around this area. My god yall are all fuckin retarded. Just go ahead and kill yourselves......all of you.
HorneDogg <>
Pelham, AL USA - Monday, June 16, 2003 at 22:36:43 (PDT)
Read this url ( and you will see the zombie experience I encountered. BEWARE OF THIS ZOMBIE!!! HE CANNOT BE TRUSTED!!!
elly <>
WV USA - Monday, June 23, 2003 at 10:54:05 (PDT)
zombie alert! awsome. when i was a kid and i saw night of the liveing dead i thought i needed one of these. i have plenty of zombie storys but...all i know is that if zombies did attack id be getting friendly with the good old boys and the red necks, they always seem to save the day. ( oddly enough )
Krystal <>
Titusville, FL USA - Tuesday, June 24, 2003 at 21:16:09 (PDT)
Thanks ONKO for the alert.I am in a studio with a 20-gaugedouble barrel shotgun fight off zombies.[BANG!][BANG!][BANG!][click][click]Oh crap[pulls out a Browning 50 cal HMGF**K YOU![Sounds of MG fire down the hall
A Newpaper Editor fighting off Zombies Early thanks to a Onko Alert <>
Plantation, Florida USA - Sunday, June 29, 2003 at 16:11:14 (PDT)
We will ssssssuuuuuuuueeeeeeee you!
Attourny of Capcom of America
Seattle, Washington USA - Sunday, June 29, 2003 at 16:17:01 (PDT)
Oh NOW you invent It!
Jill Valantine from Residant Evil
Racoon City, New Mexico USA - Sunday, June 29, 2003 at 16:18:51 (PDT)
Zombie's take over my the phantom of the opera...he's in my mind......YO Motha was a zombie!!!
ABQ, zz USA - Wednesday, July 02, 2003 at 21:45:04 (PDT)
Thomas Cross <>
Portland , OR USA - Thursday, July 03, 2003 at 00:52:14 (PDT)
YOU bastard i'll eat the living shit out of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When your not looking i'll EAT your puny brain!!!!!
angry zombie with an axe
zombieville hell, hell state hell - Friday, July 04, 2003 at 08:03:57 (PDT)
stuporduck <>
Bamberg, SC USA - Monday, July 07, 2003 at 22:15:55 (PDT)
i am constructing a human being...i have it breathing now but am unsure as to how to infuse it with consciousness...any ideas...hope this thing doesn't get out of control...
raul <>
USA - Saturday, July 12, 2003 at 09:33:38 (PDT)
The Zombie threat can be managed. Electro-shock is a very usefull training tool. I have many Zombie-Americans working for me. They can do simple repetive tasks without complaining for hours at a time. Only the occasional break is needed so they can feed. Pig brains keep them well satisfied but I still recomend keeping them muzzeled.
MrPhotoMan <>
Seattle, wa USA - Wednesday, July 23, 2003 at 22:42:08 (PDT)
Wish i had one of those a couple hours ago... Now it's too late... I'm already starting to feel itchy and hungry for human flesh... Since i only have a few hours left of conciousness before I pass out and never wake, i decided to surf the internet.
Justin H. (One of the Living-Impaired) <>
Willcox, AZ USA - Monday, July 28, 2003 at 23:52:08 (PDT)
i am curious as to if the zombie alert works with demon possesed corpses and vampires and mummys. I have had quite the time with the first one and if one could give me an alert about them i would be much appreciative.
Sarin <>
USA - Monday, August 04, 2003 at 11:58:50 (PDT)
I'm so relieved to find that there is a zombie detection device that doesn't go off by exposure to the brain-dead masses! I recommend that this product be essential for every home, workplace, place of worship, and graveyards themselves. I lost one of my faithful cemetery groundskeepers in a localized incident of zombie attack. Being right in the source of the problem, I'm afraid he didn't have any chance. Since then we've built "panic rooms" in key locations throughout the cemetery, so that no matter where the groundskeeper is, he will have a shot at survival. Thanks again, Onko!
Reverend Kevin Ward <>
MA USA - Sunday, August 10, 2003 at 21:07:33 (PDT)
My friends and I were at Griffith Park one night to play a prank on some other friends of ours. We dressed as zombies and waited until dark to strike. Lo and behold, REAL zombies came out of the woods to try to eat our brains. Luckily for us I had the personal Zombie Alert on me, and it alerted us in time to grab the shotgun and chainsaws. THANKS ZOMBIE ALERT!!
Constance <>
Los Angeles, CA USA - Wednesday, August 13, 2003 at 13:48:09 (PDT)
How long does it take to turn into a zombie in the movies?
Chris <>
welland, Ontario canada - Saturday, August 23, 2003 at 16:51:02 (PDT)
Thank GOD for your reliable products!!!
Shon Winston Brandley
West Lafayette , IN USA - Thursday, August 28, 2003 at 15:04:52 (PDT)
In 1998, I had bought my first home. I got the works - Fire, Earthquake, even Flood insuranse! The one thing that I didn't remember was zombies. In the fall of 2001, I regretted that mistake! I lost over 12,000 dollars in property damage alone to a mild zombie attack! Now I use zombie alert. I know that the chances of another Zombie attack are pretty low, but better safe than sorry!
Joe Tragesser <>
Santa Rosa, CA USA - Thursday, August 28, 2003 at 22:23:08 (PDT)
After a debilitating zombie attack 2 years ago I was left without three fingers, a penis, and my left eye. After purchasing the "Zombie Alert" I have thwarted nearly a half a dozen repeat attacks. Please, I implore you to purchase this item for you and your family. Do it for your children! For God sakes don't let what happened to me happen to you or your kids. It would be a crime with a product like this on the market.
Eros, LA USA - Friday, August 29, 2003 at 11:08:34 (PDT)
What a fantastic product! Ever since I installed the Zombie Alert, I'm never bothered by "surprise" visits from my mother-in-law! The unit detects her shriveled, putrid ass in plenty of time for me to roll down the steel shutters, seal off all entrances, light the napalm in the moat and lock and load the twin 50's on the roof turret! Thanks, Onko!
USA - Sunday, August 31, 2003 at 02:05:36 (PDT)
help the zombies are eating my BRAIN...they don't like the alert very much HELP
USA - Monday, September 01, 2003 at 16:00:43 (PDT)
olé ayudame los zombies me van a comer mi cerebro, estoy en mucho peligro!!! Necessito un Zombie Alert muy pronto, antes que... alskdgh;oaiwtph
Mexico - Monday, September 01, 2003 at 16:06:58 (PDT)
I represent the national Humane association, and I would like to say on the behalf on the organization that it is better to avoid zombies rather than to blow their heads off with bazzookas and blowguns and slingshots and toerh stuff like that. Our In-laws are zombies, and we depend on this to stay alive at Thanksgiving Thanks Zombie Alert for bringing out family and the world a more humane approach to the armies of the Undead!
Washington, DC USA - Monday, September 01, 2003 at 16:16:33 (PDT)
Praise Jeezus for the Zombie Alert! Before ah gots mah Zombie Alert, ah wuz forced to stay up all night with mah .38 and mah axe to protect mah family from zombies! But now that ah gots a Zombie Alert, ah kin gets me a good nights sleep! Halleluyah!
Zeke <>
Hog Holler, AL USA - Monday, September 01, 2003 at 17:42:11 (PDT)
zombies are j00,, but cailtin PWNS ALL
Sean el p-i-m-p
USA - Monday, September 01, 2003 at 21:11:24 (PDT)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!Your pathetic stinking Zombie Alert cannot stop me from achieving the ultimate victory over you filthy humans!
The Prince of Darkness
Hell - Friday, September 05, 2003 at 11:12:35 (PDT)
Well, the problem is not the zombies nor their hunger for our brains, the problem is quite simply all the other means of becoming a zombie: TV, shopping, driving around in your car for hours with no target, drinking to much of that stuff that is mainly produced by rotting organic (living) materials, ignoring our debt to mom nature, and, of course, the main reason of becoming a part of the daily-growing IZS (International Zombie society): being unable to see what is right in front of you.Thanx for reading this.Thanx for your interest in not becoming a zombie.Thanx for your smile.To the rest: eat blowfish and take the money!
Baron Samedi
Bonn, Germany - Sunday, September 07, 2003 at 12:47:59 (PDT)
I hope this product really works. I'm thinking of starting the 1st Zombie Bordello....What do you think????
Whissper <>
Tampa, Fl USA - Monday, September 08, 2003 at 13:26:49 (PDT)
sup y'all. representing the zombie infested isle of da uk. if it wasnt for the onko alert and my close friend colin chainsaw i would not be here today! thank you onko!
toxic <>
bridgnorth, UK - Saturday, September 13, 2003 at 16:12:22 (PDT)
meh i just died its all cool tho im kikn it wit johnney cash and all that shiit drinkn fortys and eatn brains its all good
freshly eaten man
pasadena, ca USA - Monday, September 15, 2003 at 23:40:25 (PDT)
since I´ve installed 260 zombie alert devices ,I feel so secure, but what about vampires...?
USA - Tuesday, September 16, 2003 at 06:41:05 (PDT)
"I love the fact that those dirty zombies can't get into my house. Just like on Night of the Living Dead when that white guy who survived but got kill by Barbara; I can just go up stairs and go into my attic and hide, but your product works just as well."
Brian Byrum <>
Orangevale, CA USA - Thursday, September 18, 2003 at 10:57:46 (PDT)
We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old.Yummmm, brains! munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch munch yum yummmmm
Zombie Churchill
London, England - Thursday, September 18, 2003 at 17:56:31 (PDT)
Hallöchen,komme aus Deutschland und wollt mich nur mal ganz frech eintragen... :-)Micha
Michael Schneider <>
Berlin, D Germany - Friday, September 19, 2003 at 15:04:34 (PDT)
when my city was underattack from millions of there Ex-Citizens, i have to say that if it wasnt for the Zombie Protection devices, and the gun shop down the road, and the fact that i have a bomb shelter in my back garden, i would have surly turned into a zombie and would have walked the streets feasting on the brains of the living. i found that the mobile was useful in my escape (after all my food, and ammo had run out) and with those 6 easy payments of $89.95(Plus postage, UPS fees, FedX costs, taxes, duties, handling, storage, insurance, dowry, and closing costs) i would have surly starved 2 death. A note to every veiwer of this message, TAKE PROCORTIONS YOU MAY NOT BE AS LUCKY AS ME. Thank you zombie alert,
Andrew Keech <>
Faversham, kent UK - Saturday, September 20, 2003 at 06:32:55 (PDT)
All u Soldiers out there we and the goverment have a new gun unit it is called anti zombie eliminator well we also got us some speacial mines grenades handguns and more MAN THOSE ZOMBIES DONT STAND A CHANCE AGINST ME AND U WHY I GOT BIT 5 TIMES BUT I DO NOT GIVE A BULL$HITNOW BUY ARE WEAPONS AND ONKO AND THESE BITCHES WONT BE FEASTING ON UR BRAINS only 85.95 comes with weapons shelter to. Email me at
Sgt]GoA]Tyler <>
kansas, ka USA - Saturday, September 20, 2003 at 08:13:25 (PDT)
Jumping Jehosaphat! Talk about the enemy within! Who woulda' thunk of the enemy within...our cemeteries??? Obviously, this calls for further curtailing of civil liberties! Perhaps a camera in every bedroom?
John Ashcroft--Attorney General <>
Washington, DC USA - Friday, September 26, 2003 at 08:55:09 (PDT)
I got a zombie jammed in my butt.
Joe Blow
USA - Friday, October 03, 2003 at 08:24:57 (PDT)
LOME , TOGO - Saturday, October 04, 2003 at 02:39:28 (PDT)
Remember everyone, crazy is not always a good thing...
Sandwich, IL USA - Saturday, October 04, 2003 at 12:11:16 (PDT)
ACLU Issues Cease and Desist Orders to HollywoodAP WIRE: LOS ANGELES- The American Civil Liberties Union took an unusual step yesterday by issuing Cease and Desist letters to many of Hollywood’s major and mini-major studios. The complaint centers around “a history of repeated negative portrayals of people characterized as ‘Zombies’”. The letter went onto say that “massive, pervasive anti-Zombie sentiment in the film industry has created a worldwide social intolerance of people of the Zombie persuasion.”“We’re trying to give a stronger defense to these people who aren’t allowed to vote, have no collective bargaining structure in place, and therefore, have no voice to protest their plight,” said ACLU consul Douglas Pershy who chose to work completely Pro-Bono on the case. “The way they are perceived by the rest of the human race in a social light, or social dark in this case, really sickens me. I completely hold Hollywood responsible for this injustice.”A long history of films date back to 1932 when the Indian silent film “Chalta Purza” made the first cinematic reference to Zombie intolerance. Today’s faire of movies featuring the Undead include “From Dusk Till Dawn”, the “Dawn of the Dead” series of films and “Die, You Zombie Bastards!”Pershy started to get the picture. “It was “(From) Dusk Till Dawn” that I first became sympathetic to Life Challenged peoples. I immediately looked for universities that might teach classes in Undead Social Studies but found I had to go all the way to the University of Finlandia to find one. The course was ill attended and was dropped from curriculum by the time I got there.”But that didn’t stop Pershy. “It was a blessing in disguise as I became good friends with Dr. Jan-Erik Koskinen who taught the class and he shared his views on the plight of the Living Dead.”The two became good friends and began to work on a proposal for the ACLU. Their presentation included issues of Hollywood’s misrepresentation of Zombie objectives, erroneous Man (good) vs. Zombie (evil) themes and hate crime violence desensitization through depictions of various Zombie slaughtering using of guns, fire, pointed sticks and vehicular ramming, all of which were displayed as heroic efforts rather than those of hatred.“It was the part of their presentation,” recalls ACLU New Projects Boardmember Shaylee Durkins, “when Dr. Koskinen explained that the Life Challenged rarely have the opportunity to congregate because of moon cycles. So they’ve never really been able to develop a language. Thus, they’ve never been able to communicate with each other to create a common front with common social goals. I personally believe that they are a very misunderstood people.”Durkins went on to express her initial impression of the presentation, “It was highly unprofessional, but I broke down crying for them.”Dr. Koskinen explains further, “All they have is a system of grunts and moans which often can express feelings pain and suffering but they have know way to say something like ‘Could you please pick up my arms for me?’ So when you see Zombies in a movie chanting ‘Brains, brains’ it’s a total fabrication intended to bolster the hatred of Zombies.” Musician-Director Rob Zombie has personal experience with Zombie intolerance. “I agree it has gone too far. I’ve never had a spike driven through my heart but people do spit on me a lot. When The Simpons stick it to Zombies it’s kind of OK because look what they get away with on Apu!”Hollywood blasted back at the ACLU saying that every once in while they balance anti-Zombie gore films with pro-Zombie “Feel Good” and comedy movies citing pictures like “Zombie Cop”, I Was a Teenage Zombie”, “My Boyfriend’s Back” and the animated “Zelda the Zombi”.Movie Mogul Joel Silver’s Dark Castle Entertainment was created specifically to produce horror films. “This (accusation) is totally without merit,” says Silver. “It’s entertainment, it’s just a movie. And even though I strive for effects that are convincing, they’re not real! The ACLU should spend their time on those punks that made Jackass.”Pershy concludes, “I know this is going to be a tough fight. And it’s even tougher when Halloween comes around each year. But the Zombie bashing, both verbally and physically, has got to stop if we’re ever going to get along with our Life Challenged friends.”
Kirk Cameron <>
Hollywood, CA USA - Thursday, October 09, 2003 at 11:33:27 (PDT)
yur little zombie detector cant stop anarchists when all systems fail our hybrid race will rule yur wondering how can i be a zombie and a vampire and a zombie well my dad was a zombie and my mom was a vampire when i was three i saw my mom get brutally attaked by my dad so i ate him i was hungry my adopted parents are a nice lady named rosemary and satan i have a brat brother named damian just becuz hes heir to the throne doesnt mean im not worth anything i mean im a hybrid i could join satans dark army but no he tells me i cant cuz he doesnt know where to put me either in zombie or vampire
USA - Saturday, October 11, 2003 at 11:35:47 (PDT)
i got an idea humans wear a helmet and maybe yur head wont look so good with salt and butter and maybe some hamm mmmm
zombie anarchist vampire
USA - Saturday, October 11, 2003 at 11:41:46 (PDT)
ha ha ha ha ha im a zombie and im not brought back to life by radiation i dont feel diffrent though o well bak to sniffing glue drinkin beer days ouch bullets hurt goddamnit pig brains suk i eat uh i cant remember
joe ramone
USA - Saturday, October 11, 2003 at 11:48:28 (PDT)
come and get some u fucking vampire ill fucking chop your head off and eat it like a zombie u nek suking undead goth actually whats it like to be a vampire
justa little dronk
USA - Saturday, October 11, 2003 at 11:56:16 (PDT)
Zombies always attack my house, so ZOMBIE ALERT is good. Just dont make a demon alert cause Im a demon. It would be kinda hard for me to kill people.
The Don-Gua
USA - Monday, October 13, 2003 at 19:47:53 (PDT)
Thank for the Personal Detector. It saved My life. A normal Game of Paintball changed to shooting fest in under 3 Minutes flat! Thanks for the memories Onko!
Klown 666 <>
Roseburg, Or USA - Friday, October 17, 2003 at 16:47:34 (PDT)
Ah wuz jes walkin thru town the other day mindin mah own bizness when one them zombies comes up from behind! Damn! But I wuz lucky, cuz mah wife Mabel gots me one them Zombie Alerts fer Chrismas last year. Well, she wuz gonna give it to her Uncle Jed, but he done kicked the bucket day after Thanksgivin. So anyways, this zombie comes up behind me, makin all like he's gonna rip off mah head at the neck and eat out mah brains, which Mabel says ah ain't got too much of, so's I can't afford to lose none yeh see. Anyways, Zombie Alert went off and saved mah life! It's portable, and yah kin carry it with yah too! Damn thing goes off like a banshee, and I turns aroun jes in time, pulls out mah trusty Colt .45 and blows a hole the size of a bowlin ball clean thru that suckas skull, stops him dead in his tracks it did! Turns out it was Mabel's Uncle Jed! Well, ah puts a few more slugs thru him, and now he won't be back to bother me none no more, thanks to Zombie Alert, praise be to Jeezus!
Deadman's Gulch, AZ USA - Tuesday, October 21, 2003 at 18:09:03 (PDT)
echt gruselig
- Friday, October 24, 2003 at 03:47:46 (PDT)
love zombies
USA - Friday, October 24, 2003 at 03:48:09 (PDT)
I have started depending on the book "The Zombie Survival Guide" by, Max Brooks, a comple protection from the living dead. It's all you really need to be prepared.
A Scared Grandma
USA - Tuesday, October 28, 2003 at 13:44:20 (PST)
Zombie Alert saved me from a life of eternal death!!! Thank you Zombie Alert!!!
Punch Drunk, IOWA USA - Tuesday, November 04, 2003 at 18:43:23 (PST)
Im so glad that someone has taken this precautionary measure! I havent been able to sleep at nights!
USA - Wednesday, November 05, 2003 at 09:04:12 (PST)
us this a bunch of bull, or are you guys all a bunch of weirdos...
--- <--->
---, --- --- - Wednesday, November 05, 2003 at 17:49:20 (PST)
Most "normal" people live their lives as zombies, that's really more scary than any other of these stories
Gus Patchio <>
Melbourne, Victoria Australia - Monday, November 17, 2003 at 04:59:11 (PST)
Most Web Site designers I know in Melbourne Australia are Zombies too. They all follow the rule of code is king, when in truth business is king. Him, I think I may have gone a bit off topic.
Web Site Designer <>
Melbourne, VIC Australia - Monday, November 17, 2003 at 05:01:55 (PST)
all freash must be eaten!!!...and rob zombie...??...:)
polipop <>
wêgorzewo, warmiñsko-mazurskie USA - Wednesday, November 19, 2003 at 06:01:01 (PST)
IIIIIII eeeaaattt youuuur braiiiiiinsss!
Zob Rombie
USA - Thursday, November 20, 2003 at 18:53:48 (PST)
Must .... brains.... Must ..... supress..... rational thought..... Arrgghh!
Bible Zombie
USA - Monday, November 24, 2003 at 18:18:07 (PST)
Every day I sit and stare at my Zombie Alert Industrial (Model 280za) cradling my M-4, anxiously waiting for the thing to go off. I've zeroed my AimPoint, stock-piled ammunition and am waiting for the zombies to come get some, but none ever show up. I think the good folks at Zombie Alert need to make a product that leads YOU to the zombies. Every day I sit around like a chump while some hunters in PA get to waste zombies in an open field somewhere. This hardly seems fair.
Christian the Zombie Killer-Wannabe <>
Weird, NJ USA - Wednesday, November 26, 2003 at 10:02:06 (PST)
must eat brains
USA - Thursday, November 27, 2003 at 02:56:08 (PST)
Your Zombie Alert has saved my life on several occasions, and I am greatly appreciative. But lately I have had problems with numerous Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on my door. Just yesterday, I mistakenly let one of them in, and he came very close to converting me. Fortunately, a zombie happened to attack at that very moment! As soon as my Zombie Alert went off, I grabbed the J.W. and pushed him toward the zombie, who quickly devoured his brains, turning the J.W. into a zombie. This diversion gave me time to grab my elephant gun and blow both of them to pieces.The zombies I can handle, but I am worried that the next time a J.W. comes to my door, there might not be a zombie conveniently available. Could you please develop a Jehovah's Witness Alert, so that I can blow them away before they can get in my door and try to convert me?
Jasper Q. Tittlethwaite
USA - Friday, November 28, 2003 at 20:16:24 (PST)
one day my dog was howling really bad when it decided to drop a little creature out of its but. this ravid looking lifeform devoured my dog right there on the spot. sniff. then i ran and ran but my dog had still been eaten!
london, me england - Tuesday, December 02, 2003 at 06:22:49 (PST)
i got bit by that little lifeform... charles.p. damn ur dog for its cursed us all!!!!
ruby red ru
myangleisnot good, USA - Tuesday, December 02, 2003 at 06:25:49 (PST)
i got bit by that little lifeform... charles.p. damn ur dog for its cursed us all!!!!
ruby red ru
myangleisnot good, USA - Tuesday, December 02, 2003 at 06:26:07 (PST)
i got bit by that little lifeform... charles.p. damn ur dog for its cursed us all!!!!
ruby red ru
myangleisnot good, USA - Tuesday, December 02, 2003 at 06:27:43 (PST)
I am sick and tired of people who say if you don't agree with zombies, it's okay to light them on fire!Polls and opinions do not kill Zombies, only your votes will help me rehabilitate the Zombies into functioning member of society.
Hillary Clinton
New York, NY USA - Wednesday, December 03, 2003 at 08:40:14 (PST)
Hope this isn't Chris' Blood.
USA - Wednesday, December 03, 2003 at 08:41:28 (PST)
My sanity is at its end....I still can't believe this is happening. We lost another man yesterday. Meyer; one of our better marksmen. He saw me panic once we were overrun by the zombies, but he came back to save me. But when the time came to return the debt, I ran. I can still hear him calling out my name. I can still hear the screams coming from behind. The sound of his flesh being stripped from its bones. I was afraid....terrified.... It's the 27th. The fight to stay alive continues. I took out several zombies, who managed to break through the barricades. Now I'm cutting through the chill with whisky, unloading my Mossberg on anything undead. That shotgun's become a close friend of mine. I've blasted many a zombie into fertilizer with it. We've lost 13 men as of yesterday. In 3 hours, we'll bicker over trivial things in the meeting room. It's a total waste of time. When I finish this bottle, my old friend Mossberg will be turning one lost body into fertilizer. Peace at last. I can hardly wait.
USA - Wednesday, December 03, 2003 at 10:29:03 (PST)
Oh man, do I live in zombie country! I am so thankful for this product, for it has saved my life billions of times. This one time I was sitting alone, all quiet like in my house, reading a book. All of a sudden my zombie alert system went off. I had just enough time to lock all the doors in my house, and put some boards across my windows before I saw the zombie on my porch. It was ugly, too; probably dead for a few days, but decaying pretty rapidly. I grabbed my shotgun and shot the dead bastard right there. I listened to see if there were any more, but there wasn't. I then dragged the poor sonbitch off my porch and put it in the fire that I keep just in case of zombies. Man, I hate those things. Thanks, zombie alert!
Pittsburgh, PA USA - Wednesday, December 03, 2003 at 14:42:40 (PST)
I don't know how I survived this long without your products. The constant attacks while I was on the crapper, being harrassed by the undead during dinner. Not to mention the little accidents I've been able to avoid (I haven't popped a Jehova's Witness in atleast a week).
Richard "Zombie Hunter" Gamblin
Salmon Arm, BC Canada - Wednesday, December 03, 2003 at 14:42:57 (PST)
Well , I'm a zombie and I suppose I would be shocked if I had a consciousness : Why is there so much hate against us ? Every day the same shit :" get away , bastard of zombie ! I won't let you my brain ! " So I just asked to somebody the solution for our problem ( because it's OUR problem , for living people as well for undead ) , and I eat his brain so I could understand it ( if he had talled me , I wouldn't have understood , cause I'm only able to make no sense ) . The solution is : make some people breeding ! With the new bio-technologies , it should take a short time . For you , the organs , for us the BRAINS!! Is'nt it a great idea ?
Niurgg! <>
Paris, France - Wednesday, December 03, 2003 at 16:43:30 (PST)
just want to say hi to all zombies
USA - Thursday, December 04, 2003 at 00:14:23 (PST)

what <>
USA - Monday, December 08, 2003 at 10:20:41 (PST)
i pick my nose
freddy <>
chicago, IL USA - Tuesday, December 09, 2003 at 16:02:38 (PST)
this product gets our full endorsementthe AZC (Anti-Zombie Coalition) is behind you 100%oh, and can i get one of those little watch sized ones in silver?
manda <>
gettysburg, pa USA - Wednesday, January 21, 2004 at 19:55:06 (PST)
just wanted to say hi. really good site
USA - Friday, January 30, 2004 at 00:51:23 (PST)
I have a short humerous story about a zombie. It could be on something like HBO's Tales from the Crypt or Tales from the Darkside. It's humerous but also horror.
Tim Foster <>
Charleston, WV USA - Sunday, February 15, 2004 at 12:34:16 (PST)
We recommend this product to all of our customers.
Zombie Squad <>
st. Louis, MO USA - Monday, February 23, 2004 at 07:55:51 (PST)
I have personaly commited my life to getting the word out about the true danger of zombies. I will make sure to start an internet chain letter about this web site.
C.J Jemelka
USA - Saturday, February 28, 2004 at 18:54:22 (PST)
Ah gots me a zombie in the root cellar! Ah caught him th' other day chewin on one my hogs out back. I shot the fucker clean through, but he didn't die, jes knocked him cold! So ah puts him in a cage down in the cellar, and ah's goin tah show him at the county fair and makes me a whole lot of money, maybe millions or even thousands!
Hog Holler, AL USA - Monday, March 01, 2004 at 18:42:08 (PST)
Thank you Onko, this alarm have saved my family from several zombie attacks as we live near a cemeteryso everyone make sure to get the Zombie Alert to save your family from going zombie
Daemon <>
stockholm, sweden - Thursday, March 04, 2004 at 02:54:21 (PST)
great sites, well done
USA - Friday, March 12, 2004 at 02:45:35 (PST)
Dear Zombie Alert,Your products are the best; next to a 12 guage auto loader, a modified lawn mower, and my favorite machete-"sweetiepie", I use zombie alert all the time!!BTW, if you need product testers for your rumored "napalm" line of Zombie control products, please, drop me a line!Regards,In "Bob" we trust,Rev.Geo
Rev. Geo <>
Cleveland, ohio USA - Friday, March 12, 2004 at 03:25:24 (PST)
when there's no more room in hell the dead will walk the earth
USA - Monday, March 15, 2004 at 12:33:19 (PST)
Dear madam, sir,Recently I acquired one of your so-called 'guaranteed' zombie alert products. It was the personal protector. I bought it in a supermarket near San Francisco and it seemed to work fine at the beginning (the red light burning and all), but no alarm! So I thought, great, no zombies, until suddenly, while walking home from a country evening in a dark alley I was attacked by something I would definitely describe as a zombie (bloodthirsty eyes, blood everywhere, dumb gaze, raised hands and a growling sound). Luckily I had my dog with me which saved my life. However, my dog has been bitten, and I had to shoot it. I am not the same without my dog. I'd like to claim your 1,000,000 guarantee. Where can I file for this guarantee? I am warning you that if I do not receive a prompt answer and the money (I enclose the police rapport as proof) I will not hesitate to take legal steps.Yours sincerely,Peter RasputinSan Francisco
peter <>
san francisco, ca USA - Monday, March 15, 2004 at 16:27:48 (PST)
life is so grotesk
USA - Tuesday, March 16, 2004 at 01:30:32 (PST)
Go to to buy all the essential zombie hunting gear and become an honorary member of Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squad!
Jim Rage <Ben.Peberdy@THET.NET>
Blue Springs, VT USA - Wednesday, March 17, 2004 at 11:34:50 (PST)
KaN yoUU KommE OVER and GiVVE DEMO?? PleeZE ShaVEEEE HEAad. IGNOre SMEll of RoOM aND BLOood ON POrch. MAId HaD anACCIDenT.
Chaz <>
USA - Saturday, March 20, 2004 at 19:22:20 (PST)
This is all so strange
Orrin <>
USA - Sunday, March 21, 2004 at 16:39:37 (PST)
Is this for real? I thought zombies were fake??
James Colins <>
Kentucky, KY USA - Tuesday, March 23, 2004 at 10:26:36 (PST)

, - Tuesday, March 23, 2004 at 10:30:40 (PST)
Well, y'all may remember me. Ah gots me a zombie in a cage down in the root cellar! Ah likes ta take him round to the county fairs and show him in the geek show fer money, and ah's makin me a hole lot of money. He don't seem to mind none neither, cause ah lets him eat one of the paying customers now and then, keeps him in shape and keeps him from eatin me! Here's mah problem. Ah had me a Zombie Alert so's ah wouldn't get eaten by zombies, but the damn fool thing went off all the time cause of the one ah gots in the cellar. Ah don't worry none bout that, cause ah figger my trusty .32 and mah coon hound Jake's all ah needs to protect mah ol' hide. But ah needs somethin to alert me if the one ah got down in the cellar tries to escape. So maybe y'all can come up with some kind of Anti-Zombie Alert, one that would go off iff'n he tries to make tracks fer the woods?
Hog Holler, AL USA - Wednesday, March 24, 2004 at 19:17:04 (PST)
Zombies are the coolest monsters ever created all of the other monsters suck like frankensteins monster and vampires wearwolves are kinda cool but not as cool as zombies. i wish they were real so that i could shoot them in the head with my 12 gauge shotgun blowing the back of their skull out leaving them dead(again).
Sean McDermott <>
new matamoras, ohio USA - Friday, March 26, 2004 at 08:59:04 (PST)
I know that some of you think this is phoney. This is REAL! I live in Del Norte CO about 2,000 people here, real small town. Anyways, last night the emergancy siren goes off for tornatos and we here over the intercom to get in our houses and lock up. Everyone is running, thinking it is a tornato. I am only 14, so I don't believe this crap. I go to the close by Loaf n Jug. They hurry me in, and lock up quick. I am wondering what the hell is happening and I ask one of the employees Jess. She says that there is a zombie attack in Monte Vista ( 20 min. away) They have a heard of them released in the town! I think this is bologna but when we turn on the radio all we can hear is the Emergancy Broadcast system. This is crazy. Our power is running off a small generator, I am not sure how long it will last.. We boarded up our selves in this gasstation, not too smart but now you can hear stuff outside. It is the damn folks out there banging around, looking for fresh meat. I know that I may not have a big chance here with growing to 15, so anyone out there that doesn't believe , you should try calling Loaf and Jug in Del Norte, CO #3. We are fighting for our lives, and no one care if we live or die. The radio said somethihng anbout a atomic bomb. Oh shit.a
Frieda Dominguez <>
Del Norte, CO USA - Friday, March 26, 2004 at 14:34:50 (PST)
Here is something to get your mind off of being eatin alive by your neigbour! The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash :} And I heard as it were the noise of thunder One of the four beasts saying come and see and I saw And behold a white horse There's a man going around taking names and he decides Who to free and who to blame every body won't be treated Quite the same there will be a golden ladder reaching down When the man comes around The hairs on your arm will stand up at the terror in each Sip and each sup will you partake of that last offered cup Or disappear into the potter's ground When the man comes around CHORUS Hear the trumpets hear the pipers one hundred million angels singing Multitudes are marching to a big kettledrum Voices calling and voices crying Some are born and some are dying Its alpha and omegas kingdom come And the whirlwind is in the thorn trees The virgins are all trimming their wicks The whirlwind is in the thorn trees It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks Till Armageddon no shalom no shalom Then the father hen will call his chicken's home The wise man will bow down before the thorn and at his feet They will cast the golden crowns When the man comes around Whoever is unjust let him be unjust still Whoever is righteous let him be righteous still Whoever is filthy let him be filthy still Listen to the words long written down When the man comes around CHORUS Hear the trumpets hear the pipers one hundred million angels singing Multitudes are marching to a big kettledrum Voices calling and voices crying Some are born and some are dying Its alpha and omegas kingdom come And the whirlwind is in the thorn trees The virgins are all trimming their wicks The whirlwind is in the thorn trees It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks In measured hundred weight and penny pound When the man comes around And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts And I looked and behold, a pale horse And it's name it said on him was Death And Hell followed with him.
CuJo <>
San Antonio, Tx USA - Wednesday, March 31, 2004 at 07:04:41 (PST)
Follow-up to Karina. If you have the ability to wonder whether or not you're a zombie, doesn't that mean you can't be a zombie?
seatttle, USA - Friday, April 02, 2004 at 13:42:58 (PST)
Hey, I wouldn't mind if the Zombie Alert systems DID detect real dead people, man. Cause whether they're living-dead, or dead-dead, I'm running!
WA USA - Saturday, April 03, 2004 at 10:44:45 (PST)
I went to and got me a roommate and it turned out to be a ZOMBIE roommate! Thanks, Onko, and Thanks, Zombie Alert!
Zombieville, CA USA - Saturday, April 03, 2004 at 10:54:57 (PST)
A pipe burst in a zombie's house, so he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the zombie a bill for $600.The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a zombie!."The plumber quietly replied, "Neither did I when I was a zombie." A zombie was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. The zombie saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" A zombie entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The zombie replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
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USA - Monday, April 05, 2004 at 19:36:16 (PDT)
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ccfgbhgh, fbb cgdggf - Thursday, April 08, 2004 at 04:17:13 (PDT)
This isn't family died in a zombie attack.
Amy <>
MO USA - Saturday, April 10, 2004 at 15:07:00 (PDT)
I know that ZA doesn't work at all. It's a waste of money. Think about twice! Don't be stupid. God bless you all!
Kritze <>
USA - Wednesday, April 14, 2004 at 05:12:06 (PDT)
What the heck is that noise?! Damn it! Who installed that stupid thing on my set?!
George Romero
USA - Monday, April 19, 2004 at 11:33:46 (PDT)
I am invisible so the zombies can't get me BWAHAHAHAHA
Demented Darin <>
fuckyouville, FU FUCKYOU - Thursday, April 29, 2004 at 23:25:38 (PDT)
people think zombies are a joke. i'm telling you that they are REAL. WAKE UP, PEOPLE! great products and service, keep it up. i will come to you for all my zombie protection needs from now on.
bob f <>
pdx, or USA - Saturday, May 01, 2004 at 22:29:15 (PDT)
Thank you very much for this invaluable service. The threat of a zombie attack has been preying on my mind for quite some time, now, and I know I will sleep better once your product arrives. However, I couldn't find the order page. Has your company gone out of business? I find that hard to believe, given the terrifying nature of the zombie plague that could be unleashed at any time. Please e-mail mewith ordering details ASAP. I would like both the industrial Zombie Alert, as well as the personal protector for when I am away from home. I realize that this is quite a bit of money, but no price is to high for my own safety and that of my family. Thanks and God bless you for the service you provide. Trex
trex <>
san diego, ca USA - Thursday, May 06, 2004 at 05:29:29 (PDT)
Remember to replace the batteries every month. I strip batteries from the smoke detector if I have to. This one time my sist...OUCH!! Oh, Uhnnnnnnnnn....brains...brains.....BRAINS!....
USA - Friday, May 07, 2004 at 18:59:36 (PDT)
zombie rulezz wy mutanty popromienne pierdolone w dupe wyjebane kurwiszony huj wam w pize i w ¿iæ ókulululolu
skurwysyn <>
Minetosota, hyhy USA - Saturday, May 15, 2004 at 21:11:20 (PDT)
WE HAVE ALREADY TAKEN OVER THE WORLD!!!! eatin' yer brains since 2001 from: Your President
George W. Bush <>
D.C., D.C USA - Wednesday, May 26, 2004 at 07:48:18 (PDT)
What's a zombie's favorite cereal? Kellogg's All Brain!
Zombie Henny Youngman
Altoona, PA USA - Monday, May 31, 2004 at 06:42:17 (PDT)
You seem to have things to detect zombies so can't you find a cure?! My friend is dying because he didn't have one of your great products!
SK Canada - Monday, June 07, 2004 at 16:40:21 (PDT)
Zombie Cleanup services. Boarded up your windows but tired of staring at the walls? Small time Aussie Necromancer looking to gather army of darkness. Will pay $5AU per zombie. We will collect. (Sydney Metroplolitan area only) dial 555-0423 NOW!
Maelific Dark <>
Sydney, Australia - Monday, June 14, 2004 at 23:22:22 (PDT)
I am back and ready to rule! Check out my website! Bush/Zombie Reagan 2004!!!
Zombie Reagan
Washington, DC USA - Friday, June 18, 2004 at 04:56:08 (PDT)
hi, i'm about to start work on a zombie movie. being around 40 people dressed as zombies can be a little nerve racking, but now, with zombie alert, i can tell which ones are real zombies, and which are just actors. thanks zombie alert!
mi USA - Wednesday, June 23, 2004 at 09:36:12 (PDT)
Iam now a zombie because my brain was eaten and I smell
m00rarg <none>
hell, earths core none - Monday, June 28, 2004 at 06:37:49 (PDT)
my phone number is (609) 390-3481 please call me if you have any zombie related info, serious callers only!
Tom J. Capito <>
Beesley's Point, NJ USA - Tuesday, July 13, 2004 at 12:42:51 (PDT)
Hi I am Jonathan If you meet a zombie, you should either shoot it in the head or chop it off. If it bites you, kill yourself because you are infected unless you come up with an antidote within an hour. Always carry a gun.
jonathan hawley <>
Syracuse, ny USA - Monday, July 19, 2004 at 18:29:51 (PDT)
Getting Zombie alert is a great idea. It gives me enough time to sharpen my chainsaw, fuel it and then have my breakfast. As the zombies shamble to my home in the next 20-30 minutes. I have time to do any other small jobs. As they arrive there moans gett louder just as the revs of my chainsaw and so does their smell. When my chainsaw is running I go out and hack them to pieces and burn the bodies. Thus thanks to zombie alert it finally gives a man a fighting chance to get prepared and do any last minute jobs before making the dead rest in peices.
Qld Australia - Saturday, July 24, 2004 at 05:17:00 (PDT)
nice site
USA - Sunday, July 25, 2004 at 00:46:20 (PDT)
The ZA alert is great, but unlike some people who run when they hear it I just reach for my Katana sword and go outside and begin harvesting zombie heads for my shrunken zombie head collection. I also hang them outside my door, they heads are to zombies what garlic is to vampires, a deterant. Perhaps Onko industries would be interested in inrtoducing a line of shrunken zombie heads as added defense to the ZA. Could become a package deal sort of thing. Let me know if you guys are interested, there are lots of zombies here and I have over a thousand shrunken heads in my bathtub just waiting for distrubution.
Lord Saturnine, Slayer of thousands of Zombies <>
CA USA - Sunday, July 25, 2004 at 22:54:07 (PDT)
the entire town of colma should invest seeing as the dead outnumber the living
USA - Monday, July 26, 2004 at 18:10:58 (PDT)
Listen, I'm not THAT Ash. Please stop spamming my inbox with ads for zombie-related products and services. It's becoming too much. Here's an example of what I have to put up with: To: Ash Williams From: Subject: Enhance your 12-gauge -- watermelon happy troglodyte greeting s, fri end!11 Isy our shotg unmissing th e oomph thatitus ed tohave? i haev a deel for you11!!four only three paymints of 4$139.995 yuo can upgraed two a zombi killingmac hien of epic porportins!
Ash Williams (no relation)
Des Moines, IA - Wednesday, August 04, 2004 at 10:47:42 (PDT)
If only more people would buy this fantastic device. I work in the field of zombie extermination and I know for a fact that if everyone had Onko zombie alert devices in their homes, brain eating would be a thing of the past. Re-dead the Undead. Visit Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squad at
Jim Rage
Blue Springs, VT USA - Saturday, August 07, 2004 at 18:20:16 (PDT)