We know what you are up to. Serious consequences may follow.

Help me. I didn't have zombie alert. They are beating down the door.

This page sucks

They're everywhere. Everyone needs the Zombie Alert expecially if you can't spot em like I can!

beware of the zombies, barbara!

It's on fool!!!

Ya know, there's no such thing as 'zombies'. Why, just the other day, I walk walking through my house and somethin' bit me-- I though it was a zombie at first. Till I realized it was my younger brother, Danny Daniel Robertson. Unfortunately, it was after I smashed him repeatedly about the head and face with a brick that I realized this.

I LOVE YOUR PRODUCT DO YOU HAVE ANY DEMON ALERT DEVICES I HAVE A FEAR OF LOUIS FARIKAN SNEAKING AROUND MY PROPERTY AT NIGHT

The device we purchased from Onko Enterprises known as "Zombie Alert" has become a crucial element to Mulder's endeavors involving the "Undead". Although my partner has insisted that the device works based on his own observation, I myself have not seen one piece of evidence to substantiate this, nor have I seen any evidence pointing to the possibility of re-animated dead. I believe that Mulder has become a victim to one of the many useless (intentionaly or unintentionally) devices that exist on the market.

I suspect I may have become zombified over the weekend. I have spent the last two days at work in a state of what can only be described as lessened consciousness. I am unable to finish tasks. I'm walking a lot slower. I feel life is passing me by on a distant highway. Have I become a zombie? How do I tell? How do those around me tell? Please help, before I start chewing brains.

Being a zombie myself I'm wondering how you found out about our sinister plans to munch the brains of the world. I never saw you at the weekly meetings in Des Moine.... And for all you living out there I want you to know that the only reason that we only want to munch your brains because our brains seem to atrophied severly and dribbled out our noses. We need to replenish our brain supply with fresh brains from you the living. So just to let you know, your brains are going for a good cause.

As a representative of the Church of the SubGenius, I have to say, keep up the good work! Zombies are everywhere. Why, our own spiritual leader, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs was shot and killed by a fanatical assasin in 1984, and still continues to walk the earth. You products have alerted us to his approach, so that we may avoid him when he comes to collect his fees. Thanks!

"Beat em' or burn em', they go up pretty easy" "I AM LEGEND", by Richard Matheson, one of the best written works on Zombies. A "must read" for any Zombie fan. When the Zombies come, are you ready???

Wow! What a great product! Much better than string fishline between trees and tying bells to it. Have you thought about having your detectors trigger offensive devices like Claymore mines? Keep up the good work. If mankind has any hope of survivng the teeming masses it is with the help of products like yours.

STOP WASTING YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY ON PHONEY GIMMICKS. I, JEBIDIAH: ZOMBIE HUNTER OF ZION WILL DESTROY THE WALKING DEAD SINGLE HANDEDLY FOR A SMALL FEE. ARMED WITH ONLY MY WITS, CUNNING, A COUPLE OF HAND GRENADES, MY PROTON PACK, AND MY EVER FAITHFUL TRUSTY COMPANION SYPHILLUS, I SHALL ERADICATE AND EXTERMINATE THE UNDEAD... FOR I AM JEBIDIAH: ZOMBIE HUNTER OF ZION.

Hey there pardners! Ah think yew should quite a'sellin yer products! Them zombies iz gud people! Ah should know: mah entire fambly is made up of zombies. When ah wuz a boay, ah used tuh run `roun the streets at night and chase gurlz. If ah caught `em, ah'd et their brains...! Then ah wuld go home and beat my salami! Whut a perrrfect way tuh spend tha evenin! So yew bettah quit a'sellin them thare anti-zombie products or I'll jus have to come down thare and kick yer buttocks!! Ah mean it!!

Dear Onko, Thank you for this wonderful product. My annoying neighbor used to dump grass clipings over into my yard, he laughed when I bought your wonderful Onko Zombie Alert, He laughed when I boarded up my house after buying loads of automatic weapons and sharp pointed objects, but his laughs quickly turned to screams when Zombies devoured the small town of Green, Kansas ( just check! it is in riley county) . Only my family survived, and Since this happened the company gave me a job in Kansas City! Thank you Onko! Sincerly, John Eggerman E-Mail me at THRASHR100@aol.com

All this silliness 'bout folks gettin' bit by zombies and turnin' into the livin' dead is a bunch a hooey. Why I was out huntin' just 3 days ago and I got bit and I'm here to tell ya... gack...urggghh ........................................... .......nnngzzzzzhhhuhhh...brains......BRAINSSSSSSSSSS!

These machines work great! I'm buying a hundred...FAST!

Hallo! Ich komme aus Deutschland, ich habe mir ein Zombi Alert aus einfliegen lassen! Und es ist spitze!!! Wir haben kaum noch zombis!! Wir können die Biester jetzt bis zu 2 MIN !!! vorher hören !! einfach geil!!

Hi I am Norbi. I am so brainless! HELP ME!

I myself have been zombie hunter for many a year.I'am a 3rd generation zombie killer and i have seen athing or two.So if you have problem with them zombies just jive me an e-mail an i will sort them out for you.Contact me on zombiekiller@death.co.uk

I have takin the zombie alert package a step further. Why have system that wakes you up? why not destroy the zombies while fast asleep? Exactly what I was thinking when I designed the Zombie eradicator 12000. Using the zombie alert technology, combined with a Sentry unti, armed with a 50 caliber machine gun, i can make zombies into swiss cheese, without leaving my bed. As soon as a zombie comes within 50 yards of the unit, it opens fire. Get yours today! Before its too late! Note: Not responsible if unit opens fire on the living.

This is a serious thing folks. I once had a zombie show up at my front door holding his intestines in his hands. You probly think I'm crazy but my story goes like this, A normal looking man dressed in bell bottoms and a botton down shirt showed up at my front door. Pounding harder and harder, I thought that my dad came home early to se the "big game" but forgot his keys but much to my supprise it was a creature from beyond. A REAL LIVE ZOMBIE!! I of course screamed as any normal eight year old would as he colapsed right in front of me. My parents took him in back to operate on him but he came back to life and killed the nurse with a surgical drill. WAIT thats the plot to zombie 6 monster hunter, my bad.

Hello! I need work, got a zombie problrem? town infested? I can help I work cheap! Email me at redfox35@hotmail.com! lock and

Damn zomie. Like I said I need work. Someone Please I am stuck in a job right now and I`m not even getting paid! Sure it`s fun but I need a job that address is redfox35@hotmail.com (no joke) ***************************Special Deal***************************************** First 5 zombies free ok!!!???!! Lock and load!

Ya ever grab one o' them zombie folks by the ears an' shake 'em? I did that, an' all it did was rip his ears off. So I kicked 'im in the cherries an' pile-drived 'im into the dirt. That was some fun. I still got the ears, I put 'em on a necklace, I'm 'asavin' 'em fer a right up perty lady so's she can marry me.

I'm a vampire because I dress in black and wear white make-up with black lipstick so that makes me cool, and a vampire. Your little machine can't stop me and my totally goth friends from sucking the blood of the families here in Rockville, MI. Our coffins are in my parents basement on the corner of Mill Street and Grove Lake Drive. And all you are doing is keeping out our competition. Zombies blow, vampires rule the night!

Thank you Mr. Vampire as to the location of your little nest. Be expecting a visit from me around, say, noon tomorrow.

I Hate it

I got me one of them Zomby Alert thingies an it don't do no good why jus las nite it jus started goin off an I don't know why so I checks my yard an there ain't no zombies there an when I come backs in My whole famly is eat up an all dead an stuff an then they startid comin fer me an I shots em up but one of em bit me an now im gonna eat yer brains!

We know who you are, and where you are, Just remember: Munch, Munch Munch!

OK. You have found out all of our secrets. But you cant stop us for long. We will soon eat all your brains. We will form a Unioun. Dont we have rights to? Were we not alive at one point? I say we fight back against this new technological advance. You might be able to stop one or two or even ten zombies, but when 100 zombies show up at your door what are you going to do? Yea thats right. Whats up now?

I like this new product you have made. It is very interesting, but i have a few questions. if you have known about the zombies for so long, then why didnt you make "zombie alert" sooner? And why does the product only alert people of zombies and not kill them? I have a better idea. In resent studies i have found that shap sound pulses with different wave lengths can actually put a zombie (or more then one) in a state of hypnosis. Once in the state of zombie hypnosis the sounds waves take control of all mechanical prosses in the zombies body. Rendering him completely stable. With this treatmen i have been able to turn a zombie back in to a normal person again. Which also leads us to the idea of eternal life. So, why buy a zombie alert when for the same price you can buy my "anti-zombie weapon". It works the same as a zombie alert, but doesnt just warn you, it dystroys all zombies around, makeing them human again. for more info on this product cantact me at amanne81@hotmail.com

I ordered the "personal protector" model recently. Imagine my suprise when I strapped it on, and it relentlessy sounded off! I searched the area for 2 hours before realizing I was a zombie. Boy, was there egg on my face!

For all you Zombie alert wannabes I been seein' in this here decent guestbook, makin' all yer fancy modifications, I say that I buy zombie alert because it works and it's got a really neat Web site.

Brains, Braaains

I am a ghost from India. I died in 1936 or was it 38(?). Even we ghosts become forgetful as we age. I have been haunting abandoned bungalows in the city of Bombay for a long time. The only zombies that eat brains that exist in this country of 950 million inhabit the parliament and the the various state legislative assemblies. We have a new variant here - criminal zombies in parliament!!! Zombies are afraid of my tribe, because we are the ideal citizens of this world - no babies, no garbage, no thieving, no murders, no crookery. All we ask in return for being ideal ghostly citizens is to be allowed to haunt a few old houses in peace (as few as one in a million will do) so that we can practice our favourite hobby - playing darts with shards of broken glass from old window panes. There is this crazy rationalist who tried to investigate me and wrote a short story based on a letter to the editor of an evening newspaper that I sent some ten years ago. Read all about it at the following URL: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/2778/

MMMMM BRRRAAAAAIIIIIIINNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WWEEEBBSSSIITTTTEEEBBRRAAINSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ordered 2 ZA's. One for the car. I figger since zombies always have a walking disability of some kind, like dragging a lame left foot, this gives me at least half an hour. Don't recken I rightly know where I'd head to. Mebby get some of those french fried potaters. Uhh-huh.

That Cronenberg feller before me was really me I reckon. Uhh-huh.

I am currently involved with Amway, but I want to have a Zombie Alert Franchise Dealership. I know that I can finally start making money.

FOR ALL THOSE ZOMBIES OUT THERE, THERE IS ONLY ONE FIGHTING GROUP IN THE WORLD THAT CAN SO COMPLETELY RIP AND TEAR THE EVIL ENERGY YOU POSSES SO FULLY OUT OF YOUR CORPSES!!! WE ARE THE GOATS! THE GOATS WILL PREVAIL! THERE WILL BE NO DRAW!! NO COMPRIMISE!!! WE WILL SIMPLY MASSACRE ALL OF YOU COMPLETLY AND TOTALY!! IT IS OUR DREAM! OUR LIVES!! AND WHEN YOUR VILENESS RISES TO PILLAGE THE EARTH WE WILL BE THERE WAITING AND GRINING, WEAPONS IN HAND AND READY WITH A STREGTH AND FEROCITY THAT YOU WILL ONLY COME TO UNDERSTAND IN THE BLACK SLEEP OF DEATH!!!!! KNOW FEAR ZOMBIES...... ...FOR WE ARE WAITING...

Its really good to see someone is finally provided some anti-zombie gear and has put up a web page to market it. For the most part, the public lives in ignorance of the zombie threat. The Goats, an organization dedicated to zombie defense, would also like to remind people not to stop at just purchasing a zombie alert system. To deal with zombies effectively one must fight off their unthinking destruction with the one thing they understand—MORE DESTRUCTION! A nice shotgun, sledge hammer, or samurai sword would do nicely. To be sure, make sure these weapons are strategically placed in every room of your home and work place. When the zombies rise you’ll be prepared to cave in their undead skulls! If the zombies are more than you can handle, don’t fret, where there are zombies, the Goats will soon be there to "deal" with them.

These things are cool. Can you make a ButtHead alert?

I remember the day clearly. I,being an investigative reporter, was sent to check out this mysterious ship that had entered the harbor in New York city. The harbor police first found this ship and realize that it had floated all the way from this remote island in the south pacific. Aboard this ship was the remains of several devoured bodies and one living one. It was a zombie. The zombie bit one of the harbor police men before diving overboard. I met the daughter of the man who owned the boat who wanted to find out what happened to him later that night. A day later we set off to that little island in the pacific. When we arived at the airport we had to find a porter to take us to the island because the island was too small for an airport. We met this charming couple from the states who were sailing the south pacific on their vaction who were willing to take us to the remote island even though the natives claimed it was cursed. On our sea voyage, the young women wanted to take some pictures while scuba diving in the nude. While swimming she came across the path of a great white and had to dive for safty. While under water she was attacked by a recklas zombie. She managed to ascape by getting the zombie to attack the shark instead. OH wait, this never happened to me, that was the plot of zombie 2. My bad.

Okay...

They're coming to get you Barbara.

I am the perfect zombie hunter! Why may you ask? Because of the simple fact that, I DON"T HAVE A BRAIN TO START WITH!!!! I FEEL SO NEGLECTED!!!!! Never will i get to experience the thrill of being chased by a zombie. HELP ME ONKO!!!!!!!!!!!!

i use zombie alert and now i have 1/4 of a brain left

In my opinion, you've got it all wrong about zombies. They are not as much of a threat as you would think. For the most part, zombies are nearly walking, rotting corpses. They have a life span of only about 210-400 days. They only "think" for the very beginings of their lives. About 19-25 days (depending on how fast they are rotting.) Putting a bullet through their brain does no more damage than putting one through their chest. Their inner organs only function for about 20-70 days. They "die" when you kill them, or when they have no muscle left to move and nothing functions. The best method for killing a zombie is to blow off it's head so that it is no longer a threat, or to burn it's flesh and organs completely off. They cannot bleed to death. Zombies can't see for very long either. Their eyes only blink for 1-2 days after death. After then, it's all downhill as far as vision goes. Since they stop blinking, dust gathers into their eyes clouding their vision until the eye completely rots away. To imagine being a zombie in the last days of it's life, think about being deaf, mute, blind, not able to really feel anything, or think. They only eat flesh for their first 100-130 days.

Yes, zombies eat brains. But they also eat skin, liver, bowels, muscles and other assorted body parts. If zombies only ate brains then why don't we just go around wearing hardhats and stuff. Come on people, this is serious. It's time to get your shit together.

I am one of the great zombie killers. I live in A town infested with the undead. I have a I don't use any kind of zombie detector. I don't kill them with guns or anything like that. i just beat theliving hell out of them. Zombies are scared of me

I'm thebiggest badest zombie killer in the world. when i get A ZOMBIE I DON'T KILL THEM RIGHT AWAY I TORCHER THEM. ALL THE ZOMBIESTRY TO GET ME WHILE I'M SLEEPING BUT THEY DON'T KNOW I SLEEP BY A ZOMBIE DETECTOR AND AN M16. I HOPE ZOMBIES ARE WATCHING ME TYPE THIS I NEED SOME COMPETITION INSTEAD OF THESE PUSSY ZOMBIES THAT COME AFTER ME THAT I BEAT DOWN WITH MY BARE HANDS,ITS MORE FUN JUST BEATEN UM DOWN

Hm. Very interesting. This device shows some very good potential, and I will in turn report this to my superiors. I am a field agent for the VGF (Vampire Genocide Front). Occassionaly we do run into what may be termed a 'zombie', but we tend to just avoid them on policy due to our unfamiliarity with that species of undead, although debate has been raging whether we should expand our list of prey. Soon, we will have a web site up listing vampire activity in the Portland, Oregon area and possibly may be interested in mentioning this product in a subsection dealing with 'others'. See goth. See goth gain angst. See goth get staked. Bad goth.

It doesn't take much to be a zombie killer... If you can walk at a steady pace and hold a shotgun, you're hired.

I was making out with some realy cute boy and he bit me. Now I have a bite mark on my neck. To tell you the truth I don't know if he was a zombie, a vampire, or just a really cute boy that got hungry. Anyway, I'm hoping it was a vampire because that would be so cool. but if it's not I would like to tell all of you out there to be carful with people thry could be just animals.

Couldn't we just think of it as metabolically challenged.

As a member of the MC minority, I strongly object to the use of the term Zombie.

My name is not important. I am of royal blood, born by the Wolf Nation to slay those who would upset the balance of power among the realm of our world. The "Undead" you speak of are only some of many creatures. They should be taken seriously. They are not mindless, babbling idiots. The creatures you are addressing are aflicted with an evolved version of the disease known as rabies. They are mindless, ves, but their sheer numbers, rabid ferocity, and instinctual cunningness make them strong. I of Royal Wolf's Blood must diminsh their ranks with my skills and shooting irons. I have found in my search that hand guns are effective and easily used to disperse of them...

A product deemed worthy of use. Last year my brother used a similar, mass-produced, cheaper rip-off. I didn't know about it until he came knocking at my door, complaining and jabbering with several of his new-found rotting friends. Bummer.

Someone once said to me Zombies are like sick animals if you take them in, respect them, care for them and feed them those little brown beetles you sometimes find under rocks then they will love you back and give you the greatest gift anyone could ever think of companionship. Now beam me up Scotty!

The IRS doesn't want you to know this but... they have found a way to bring back the recently deceased. Yes, folks, it used to be that the only two sure things in life were death and taxes. Well, now the only sure thing is taxes. That's right, now we'll be paying taxes for eternity. How does Zombie Alert fit into this, you may ask? Well, they haven't entirely gotten the process perfected yet and some of the zombies they produce are flesh-eating monsters. They've decided that these zombies will be auditors. That's right, so now, with Zombie Alert, you'll not only be protecting your hide but your wallet as well. Scott smichels@magicnet.net

The brother's like your handle, it is original and speaks of greats such as Pete Peters and other parents with a cruel streak

Louis Farikan is my hero. Anyone that good lookin' can't be all that bad.. You know what they say... once you've _______ black, you'll never go back. Too bad he had to dye his hair from red. DS

Zombies do not suffer? You fool their pain is eternal and terrible. This is the only thing that allows control over them; a promise of an end to it. You can decapitate, dismember or disembowel them this will not stop them. only the voodun priest, sorcerer, magi or what ever you wish to call us can withdraw the energy that reanimates their flesh; this is what they seek and they will follow any command in order to get the enternal rest back.

Dear Onko: Before reading your fine website, I was unaware of the dangers of zombie attack. I had only heard stories, rumors if you will, about these monsters. I believed that a zombie attack could never happen to me or anyone I loved. I believed that I was safe in my home, and that no undead beasts would ever rise again, with the purpose of scooping the squishy stuff out of my head. I see now that I was foolish and wrong. Now that I know that only ONKO provides a safe living environment, I feel like I've been a bad father and husband. How could I have let my wife and children live in such danger for so long? Well, rest assured that now that I understand the dangers of living next to a graveyard, we will be among your best customers. In fact, I've been so inspired and moved by your helpful information, that I'll be leaving my lucrative position as owner of a major film studio tomorrow, to open start one of my very own Zombie Alert Franchise Dealerships. Thank you ONKO, you've made me into a better man this day.

Thought you might like to know your product, "Zombie Alert", was purchased for White House security. Unfortunately they had to be removed as my husband kept setting them off.

Our school didn't know the dangers of the living dead. Then they attacked one day! I was the only one who survived. When they found me I was covered in the blood of the un-dead with the custodian's chain saw in one hand a shotgun in the other. Now at my new school we have zombie drills every month and a zombie alert alarm in every class room! Thanks zombie alert!

Being an elite military uh.....person, a ranger to be exact I never thought about the encountering of a zombie or undead being. But, in the middle of battle THEY CAME!!!!!! I tried to shoot as many of them down as I could, but they took out Charlie! THEY TOOK OUT CHARLIE I TELLS YA!!!!!!! So I kept running. I got to the exctraction site and the helicopter was crashed and covered with zombies!!!! So I ran to Charlie's jeep and he had something called "zombie alert®" in there. It helped me get out alive. I have no idea what it did, but I got out.

I have to say that I am DEEPLY offended by this page and this product. Apaarently your advertising staff has no appreciation for people or cultures different from themselves. I can only hope that someone will read this and have simpathy for the plight of our misunderstood kind, as I clear up these mis- conceptions (and at some points BLATANT LIES) about so-called "Zombies"; First, we prefer to not be called "Zombi(e)s", "Ghouls", the "Living/Walking Dead", or especially the "Undead" (which has a VERY negative connotation to it). If one feels the incessant need to seperate and segragate us from the rest of human society by labeling us, we prefer to be refered to as the "Differently Living Impaired". I believe the majority of the problems that a person the modern world might have with a DLI stems from that person's reaction to that DLI -- we do not respond well to ridicule, hostility, enslavement, or being riddled with bullets. I feel that the DLIs of the world have not been given a fair shake, and that peace and understanding between your world and ours is not impossible, but that it will take great effort on behalf of the world of "normal" humans, and a great leap of faith for us. Second, I would like to dispel the rampant rumors about the diet and dietary requirements of the DLIs. First of all, we do not exist solely on human brains, and whoever continues to spread that rumor have obviously never tried to eat the brains of a live human being. Entry into the human skull is EXTREMELY difficult, even WITH the use of tools, and yet I constantly see in television, films, and places such a this, DLIs depicted eating human brains right from the skull with their BARE TEETH! Not to mention that the death of a human animal for the exclusive use of its brains for food is far too wasteful and decadent for the taste of any self-respecting DLI -- rest assured that whenever we kill aliving, thinking being that we make use of all meat available in its' body, down to bone, sparing no tissue, and using no artificial colors, flavors, or preservatives in its preparation, unlike the grand majority of foods that "normal" people poison themselves with daily. Additionally, we do not even require human flesh as food, nor, as a matter fact, any food at all for nourishment, so you can just all of that silly "curse of the undead" and "unholy compulsion" out the window right now. We just like to enjoy ourselves every once and awhile, like anyone... and no one has any right to persecute us just because our definition of fun is different from their own. There are a number of other stereotypes about the Diiferently Living Impaired that I would like to unmask for the largely intelligent, open-minded, deliciously crunchy, yet sadly under- educated pulic of "normal" people while I have their attention, but this seems to be neither the time nor the place to do so. However I would like to thank all of those who are listening and learning. Let's hope that in the future, we can all live together peacefully. <>

Right, stop that! Now look, all this stuff about Zombies is just plain silly. I mean, nobody appreciates a good laugh more than I do, except perhaps my wife, and a few of her friends, oh yes, and Captain Johnson. All right, most people enjoy a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point! How am I supposed to believe that this silly little product can actually... say, wait. Stop that! AaaarrrrggghhhhH!!!!!! My BRAAAAAAIIINNN HUUUURRRTTTSSS!!!!! HELLLLOOOO MR GUMBEEEE!!!

my mother ate my dog once and then she srueup it was raly cool !!!!!!!!!!!!.

i came down the staris and walked by my parents room and thout thet they where having a lital fun but wen i went to join them my dad was hanging by his peker from the cilling and my mom was trying to eat him. So i gess she was a sombi but we had sex anyway. ps.This weeb site sucks!!!!!!!!!!

I'll tell you one thing since these came to my town people are dying and we got all sorts of defense up even a Zombie Alert.

Ever scince these dead boogers came to my town wev'e been formin a group of hunter's to go out and hunt these suckers and heres a warning never let them corner you!

Hey man, my girlfriend was a zombie!! And just becaause she was dead ,stank, and liked brains does`nt mean she was a bad person! She should`nt have to hear alarms goin` off everywhere we go!! We should`nt predjudice against dead people! She has rights too ,as an american citizen, livin` or dead! Why don`t you put your creative juices on something useful like Mime Alert(Damn mimes!!Now thats horror!)or Republican Alert. Just dismember...errr, I mean remember, just because someone eats the occasional brain does`nt mean they`re not a hell of a nice person!

Hey man, my girlfriend was a zombie!! And just becaause she was dead ,stank, and liked brains does`nt mean she was a bad person! She should`nt have to hear alarms goin` off everywhere we go!! We should`nt predjudice against dead people! She has rights too ,as an american citizen, livin` or dead! Why don`t you put your creative juices on something useful like Mime Alert(Damn mimes!!Now thats horror!)or Republican Alert. Just dismember...errr, I mean remember, just because someone eats the occasional brain does`nt mean they`re not a hell of a nice person!

Hey man, my girlfriend was a zombie!! And just becaause she was dead ,stank, and liked brains does`nt mean she was a bad person! She should`nt have to hear alarms goin` off everywhere we go!! We should`nt predjudice against dead people! She has rights too ,as an american citizen, livin` or dead! Why don`t you put your creative juices on something useful like Mime Alert(Damn mimes!!Now thats horror!)or Republican Alert. Just dismember...errr, I mean remember, just because someone eats the occasional brain does`nt mean they`re not a hell of a nice person!

Thanks to Zombie Alert's patented system my family survived a zombie attack, because of it's patented system we were alerted long before they reached the house. My family immediately followed the Zombie Protection manual. We locked all the doors and windows, after surrounding the house with plastic explosives (250 ft. away from the house). Then we turned on the 800 watt base-ball diamond lights surrounding the house as well. When we saw the zombies in sight we detinated the explosives. Though this only killed about 40% of the zombies. So to dispose of the others we followed `procedure 2; killing the other 60% of the zombies.' Now according to the manual, the only way to kill a zombie is to decapitate it, and then burn it's body. So each member of my family grabbed a sword and when the zombies started invading our house we chopped the little bastards head's off. After the Zombie Alert system stopped beeping we took the bodies outside and made a big bon fire, we had smores too. I owe my life to the Zombie Alert system.

I can not believe that I was DECEIVED! I bought the ZOMBIE alert product two cheesy months ago. Just when I NEEDED IT the batteries went DEAD. I WANT MY MONEY back! and the OTHER half of my BRAIN. If you want to speak with my right hemisphere: Foxy_Gump@hotmail.com

I was walking and i saw this monster that looked like that mean king of france eating this guys brains and I said "If I eat that I would barf!" he just looked at me with drool hanging down his chin. Then I went home.

For many years I have been a Zombieologist; when my good friend, Mr. Thaddeus Tedsworth the IIIrd, purchased a house for what he termed "A Song," I was intrigued. When he told me that it was sold so cheaply because its previous owner was convinced there were zombies in it, I insisted on going to the Housewarming party, with my dear sister Jenny. Little was I to know that the bloodbath that was to follow would leave all the guests, the mail-man, and even my beloved sister drooling undead filth! If only Thaddeus had put in a Zombie Alert detector, he might not have had such a disastrous party, I am thinking. Commiserations & party invitation/investigation requests may be sent to qstate@usa.net.

You people really need to relax! Zombies are just another part of nature and give character to any neighborhood. Zombie Alert is a nuisance on par with car alarms and should be banned in all but the most remote areas.

Dear Sirs; I have recently (within the past 4 months), purchased the standard model of your product, Zombie Alert. Being a rig driver for an interstate trucking firm, I bring my zombie alert with me on my trips. The reason for my letter is this. My Zombie Alert module only functions in Pennsylvania. I have been to every state in the continental U.S. and have suffured zombie attacks everywhere but in PA. ALso, my unit seems to have varying degrees of sensitivity. It is most accurate when I'm near isolated cemeteries, abandoned houses in the rural country-side or near huge indoor malls that have helicopters parked on their roofs. In other areas around PA., the unit works but I have measured it's sensitivity to the 1700 yards you claim and much, much less. I would greatly appreciate your responding with a technical support number or other-such information. I must go lay down now...what's left of my brain is giving me a terrific headache. Sincerely and Yours Truly, I. M. Zombiefood

So, okay me and a friend were driving home from work late one night and I said," Hey Zed, are you, well, you know, horny?" Zed looked at me with a bewildered face and said " Well,yeah, I am horny." Then I said to Zed," You ever done it in a graveyard?" Zed replied with a nervous no. I told him to be prepared for the best night of his life. We pulled into the graveyard and I got the shovels out of the back of the truck. " Alright Zed, start digging." We dug up at least ten graves and opened the caskets. "What are we gonna do now?" Zed asked groggily. " Zed my friend" I replied, " We are gonna get down with some carrion cooter." At first Zed, being that it was his first time to have intercourse with a corpse, was kinda scared but after watching me he got into it. About 15 minutes went by, I was having a great time and I decided I better check on my pal. "Hey buddy. how you likin it?" Zed replied,"Not too good." I replied," Well then get another." He got up and opened another casket. About ten minutes later I checked on him again, "Yo dude, you having a good time?" Zed retorted, "nah man, I am just not into this." "Well then pick another, don't give up yet." I commanded, and like the obediant friend that Zed is, he got up and went to another. " Is it gettin any better now?" I bleeted after a few minutes. "No man, this just ain't my bag." whined Zed "I don't believe this, you should be having a blast, hold on a second." I finished with my mistress of the night and got up to check on my lunar liason. "Are these the ones you've been doin zed?" I asked pointing at the closest three caskets. He replied with a sheepish yes. All of a sudden it was all clear as reynolds wrap. "No wonder you ain't havin a good time Zed, you picked all the ugly ones."

My girlfriend is not a Zombie, but I think she is a Vampire. Do you have any Vampire Alert systems?

My parents were zombies but I didn't mind until they ate my brother which kinda made me happy but I decided that I didn't want that to happen to me so one night while they were sitting staring at the tube I shoved a cherry bomb in thier noses and lit the fuse unfortunatly after I did that I noticed that my dad just got back from a midnight snack(the bar tender)at the bar and had alchohal on his pants.The house went up in flames only after I grabbed my labtop got away.

My parents were zombies but I didn't mind until they ate my brother which kinda made me happy but I decided that I didn't want that to happen to me so one night while they were sitting staring at the tube I shoved a cherry bomb in thier noses and lit the fuse unfortunatly after I did that I noticed that my dad just got back from a midnight snack(the bar tender)at the bar and had alchohal on his pants.The house went up in flames only after I grabbed my labtop got away.

has any one played Nightmare creatures cause i think ive seen a real zombie that looks just like one from that game.